Abstrusion Candice james

Abstrusion Written by

Street, New Westminster, BC Canada V3L 3C5

TABLE OF CONTENTS

4. Gleaming

5. Eventuality

6. Shoreline

7. Naked And Needing

8. Written And Engraved

8. Your Absence

9. Sanctified

10. Sometimes

11. Sweet Hungry Fever

12. The Deep

13. The Key

14. The Pledge

15. Beyond The Shadow

16. The Truth Is

17. While You Lay Sleeping

18. Whisper My Name

19. Your Court

20. Whenever I Hear Your Voice

21. And Still We Plunge Deeper

22. Hate/Love

23. The Awakening

24. Branding Irons

24. The Edge

25. Broken

26. Creeping Damp

27. Even Less

28. I Succumb 29.

Love’s Metal

30. Never Lost

31. No Stranger

32. Eternal

33. Survival

34. Thank You

35. Spectacular Nights

36. There Used To Be Lightning

37. Unchained

38. Unsearchable

39. When You Smile

40. Before You Looked Away

41. Lost

42. Crab Cakes & Jazz

42. Starlight Skating Rink

43. Even Brighter 44.

I Can’t Run I Can’t Hide

45. Me Without You

46. Moving

47. No Way Out Of You

48. Oblivious

49. The Brush Of Your Breath

50. The Pledge

51. Some Endings

52. Stains

53. Survival

54. Then And Now

55. No Trace

56. The View

57. Always Searching

58. At That Crucial Moment

59. Broken Too Long To Be Fixed

60. How Can I

61. If I Cannot Cry

62. Late Last Night

63. Locked Out

64. Reversal

65. Safe At Last

66. Showdown

67. Sleeping Awake

68. That Moment In Time

69. The Remaining

70. This Relentless Rain

71. Winds Of Change

72. Western Wind

73. If I Saw You Again

74. Clearly

It’s wet and gleaming with a deep intrinsic beauty And it’s not even raining. It’s you reigning over an ocean of emotion, Water streaked with kisses That dance like diamonds on the surface of this dream We’ve fashioned with our passion.

Your face is the mirror I shine in. I was lackluster and unpolished. Then you plucked me from the dust Of some long forgotten wish And made me come true.

You made wishes become horses And now I ride the winds of change Into the eye of this needle.

It’s gleaming so bright I’m blinded by its light But sight is no longer required.

All that’s required is you.

I’ll always acquiesce to your wishes On all levels On all fronts Because my happiness Is contingent on yours.

I would that I could Reach into my being And pull out the essence of my spirit And shape it into a beautiful pulsating star That would light all your pathways with love From here to eternity.

I reach for you and in doing so Reach for myself Reach for heaven Reach for eternity And cast my wish into the universe That I may spend every second Seeing only your eyes Seeing me.

Belonging to you was never an option It was always an eventuality

I have abolished all shallow water And left yesterday’s sea as a distant shadow Bereft of all vessels Save the love I sail on, Destination your heart.

The breeze and I renew acquaintances And bond even deeper For this final quest of quests.

The wind knows you well. She whispers your name incessantly As I breathe in its echo with quiet desperation.

Morning has broken And I see you looming large On the horizon of my dream.

Adrift, thirsting and burned By the elements of life, I stretch to grasp your bright looming shadow, That I may lay in the coveted cool of it And be whetted by your love As it splashes me into reality.

You are the shoreline I’ve been waiting to reach All the days of my life.

NAKED AND NEEDING

Into the fire, Naked and needing, I jump heartlong Onto the licking tongue of the flame you create.

It quenches the thirst, Satisfies the hunger That has run rampant within me All those centuries I spent before you came to me.

Sliding down the blade of your knife At last I feel the true cut of love Taking me higher, Making me fire.

To bathe in this fire you’ve created, To warm my frost bitten heart, To thaw my ice clad soul, I will always come to you Naked and needing.

WRITTEN AND ENGRAVED

Yes, without a shadow of a doubt, You’re my soul inspiration, my Muse. It’s just after 10 PM and I had to call you Just to hear you voice, As tender as slippery silk on the skin of my soul.

As precious as golden pebbles Skipping through the cool blue lakes in my mind Causing the currents of love to suddenly surface In a whirlpool of passion.

There have been other moments in my life But none as monumental or indelible As these moments of you.

You cannot split the second I don’t think of you. You’re constantly with me.

Written and engraved on my soul.

YOUR ABSENCE

Your Absence Never gives way to relief. When you’re gone It’s a pause between centuries. Everything ceases to please Your absence If it ever became permanent Is something More frightening than death.

We lay on a sanctified carpet of love Blessed by each caress we exchange. Hot rain mixed with cool blue sunshine. Wise men and angels Could never feel or even be privy to The depth of emotion you’ve aroused in me. Red neon icing melting in my mouth. I thank you for this thrill. This escalation of spirit, This total loss of self Inconceivable to most souls.

You Surpass the beauty of any Rembrandt In my eyes.

You Pale even the most vibrant sunset In my eyes.

We lay on our sanctified carpet of love Wielding the brush of emotion Creating a masterpiece never to be forsaken.

We are the lost love letter Written in the eye of emotion’s storm. You, and only you, Have made this possible.

Sometimes I think I can’t live in a tense Or a person. I seem to become mired and mirrored in the past And the future simultaneously.

The present somehow mysteriously eludes me. When I’m in it, It is surreal And elusive, almost non-existent And yet It’s where I most desire to be.

Sometimes I think I’m not even real. Then, I see your face And suddenly everything makes sense again.

I only become real When you look at me.

SWEET HUNGRY FEVER

It’s such a sweet hungry fever Your primal kiss presents me with. Should I die to be reborn within it? Or should I shrink from it and hide Inside someone else’s smile? Too Late! I’m already drowning in the tender afterglow Of your warm embrace.

Smile Just for me. No one else but me. Smile from your soul and pierce my being. I will turn it to gold and cherish it Until 7 becomes 6 It’s such a sweet hungry fever you create in me.

It’s fast becoming something I may not be able to live without.

THE DEEP

It’s a feeling that fills my being totally, Yet still manages to somehow claw Even deeper into my soul.

Is it a brand new emotion Or is it reminiscent of an old enchantment Faded & buried so deep in my psyche, So deep

I’m not certain It ever lived and breathed before? No use to philosophize Or burn the midnight oil sifting memories Because that was then and this is now.

This is real and this is happening, Racing at breakneck speed, Raw Emotion Never before so cutting yet comfortable.

I tenderly caress it with the fingers of my heart, Whisper it softly through the canyons of my mind. I touch it, hold it, nurture it and lovingly build it Into a poetic dream I can polish to perfection.

I dance with it, feel its rhythm pulsate through my core And change the beat of my heart. I grasp it to my soul never to let it go, For this is eternal magic, eternal flame Never to be put asunder.

This is the wonder of absolute being. This is the wonder of you!

Whenever you’re gone The Sun doe sn’t shine as bright. The rain doesn’t feel as fresh or wet, The moon loses its luminosity.

I lose myself. There’s an indescribable ache, An unequivocal emptiness.

Oh I get by, But just barely.

The world becomes hazy And the code to happiness becomes elusive And indecipherable.

Without you I’m locked Inside a universe that doesn’t suit me.

You’re the only key That opens me.

THE PLEDGE

I pledge my soul to you. If ever a sad feeling starts to form in your eyes, I will lasso the wind And transform it into a towel for your tears. I will capture the Sun To warm the coldest moments You spend in uncertainty.

If ever you feel empty I will fill you up. If ever you feel needy I will exceed your requirements. If ever you feel frightened I will slay your dragons.

If ever you become lost I promise, I will find you This is my pledge to you

BEYOND THE SHADOW

Sometimes in the course of the day, When I’m away from you, There are moments that feel like years.

They ache with a life of their own Chasing ghosts just beyond their shadow. When you’re not with me There’s a skulking numbness that pursues me And corners me in darkened alleys. I become the shadow of a shadow, L ost in life’s fog. Sometimes the need to touch you Is so prevalent and all pervading -- I can almost feel the fabric And temperature of your skin.

Sometimes I close my eyes And I swear I feel The brush of your breath on my neck.

Moment to moment You reign supreme in my universe. Beyond the shadow of a shadow.

THE TRUTH IS

The truth is, It has to happen fast or it doesn’t happen at all. I say “I love you”. You say “ You don’t know me, or anything about me .” The truth is, Somewhere and someplace in time I’ve known you forever.

I know everything I need to know about you. I see you through my eyes And you are beautiful to me, So I paint a picture Of who I believe you are in my mind. I engrave my vision of you carefully And carve it meticulously Into the blazing stone fireplace in my mind So it can never change.

This is who you will always be to me. I will always love the you I have painted. It is a masterpiece. It is You Forever.

The truth is This masterpiece I have painted of you Will never ever change Because I am the Artist.

I have signed the painting, And, I have put away my paintbrush Forever.

WHILE YOU LAY SLEEPING

While you lay sleeping I look at you. I see all things beautiful. Your tenderness is a warm vacuum of tingling nerves That I eagerly climb into without fear.

As I lay awake beside you, While you lay sleeping, I thank whatever Gods may be That they brought You To Me The One who’s needed you so much.

As I gently caress your body I lay my cheek softly on yours: To listen to your breathing, To get a little closer to your dreams, To be near you wherever you have gone, While you lay sleeping.

Pressing my body to you, I feel my spirit melt through yours.

I fall asleep inside your love, While you lay sleeping.

WHISPER MY NAME

Whisper my name And I will hear it.

E ven though you’re far away from me tonight, I keep you safe in the warm hold and gentle fold of my spirit.

I frame wings with my thoughts And fly them straight to your heart On the winds of love Across the universe tonight I’m holding you, Caressing you, Kissing you, Loving you Somewhere this side of heaven.

Invisible, Indivisible, Indelible Imprinted on the fabric of eternity.

Vulnerable Only to a deeper degree of love.

Whisper my name. I will hear you.

YOUR COURT

I spend most of my lucid waking moments Touching you with the fingers of my mind. Every moment I’m breathing I want to hold you, Kiss you, Touch you, Love you.

I’ve spent most moments since I met you Thinking of you And wanting to hold you close to me forever.

The ball is in your court. Return it to me If you’re ready for the real thing Or Zip up your raquet For another day, Another court, Another love.

Whenever I hear your voice Something ethereal whisper to my heart. It’s like a cool waterfall flowing over me In a torrid blazing fire.

It’s like a midnite sun beating down On a cold hard winter night.

Whenever I hear your voice Magical moments rush in On a swift incoming tide Washing through every corner of my mind.

Whenever I hear your voice I realize just how alive I actually am these days.

The world spins a little faster, Shines a little brighter Whenever I hear your voice.

AND STILL WE PLUNGE DEEPER

We slid down The hot steel blade of love’s knife Unscathed.

No wounds, No bleeding, Just a deeper more profound understanding and respect For this deep emotion.

We rolled our hearts like loaded dice Across the valley of love’s landmines Undamaged And today they still beat In perfect rhythm with each other, Only for each other.

You’re so very close to me So metimes I’m sure you are me, and I am you Inside this netherworld exchange we nestle in nightly.

We rock in our cradle of love, Polished to brilliant stone Sprinkled with the burnished orange stars we’ve created.

This is a deep as it gets And still we plunge deeper Into the beckoning abyss of each other.

HATE/LOVE

I hate you And yet I love you.

I hope you miss me so much you break, And yet I hope you never break.

I hope you cry all night long with no respite, And yet I don’t wish even one tear to stain your face.

I hope you’re cold as ice each night without me, And yet I wish you warm blankets and dreams.

I hope your feet and back ache incessantly, And yet I wish you freedom from all pain.

I hope you are so dep ressed you can’t function, And yet I wish you total happiness and serenity.

I hope your heart aches in agony And yet I wish you peace and joy.

I wish you were still mine, And yet I’m thankful you’re not.

I hate you, And yet I love you.

THE AWAKENING

When you’re starving, crumbs will not suffice. When you’re just hungry they will. If a feast isn’t to your liking You’ll leave the table still wanting.

I wanted The things that remained ungiven I wanted The tarnished golden ring to shine I wanted The you that you hid so well.

When I tried to dream my wishes to life Reality became so hazy. I saw things as they really we ren’t. When the alarm clock in my dream screamed to be heard I was forced to open my eyes. A new dawn splashed A shock of cold water On the face of my heart.

The smoke and mirrors disappeared. Reality suddenly seemed so real So harsh.

When the awakening came The dream vanished!

BRANDING IRONS

Sometimes I fear you And your source of tears; Jewels trickling down the cheek Of a hazy cherished memory.

You blend your evil and your magic So magnificently In the guise of primal passion.

You have tied me to the secrets That hide in your blood, And so we mingle With lost innocence.

Behold, Our hands are branding irons As we touch each other’s soul.

THE EDGE

I’m at the edge of your embrace Teetering on a shaky precipice. I’m at the edge of my sanity And ready to jump if you leave me.

I’m dying here at the edge of a sad song And begging you to save me.

Another postcard from the edge Coming soon.

If I ever needed to win something I need to now. I lost everything when I lost you. Disillusionment runs rampant Across the barren landscape of my heart.

I’m having a very bad day today Bourne of missing you monumentally.

I’m desparate For your touch, For your voice.

Everything I am is tangled up in you. I can’t face people. I can’t face the world. I can’t even leave the house today. My condition is too fragile. You’ve broken me.

And now the empty days begin To match my empty heart, Like two lost earrings in a sea of tears.

The numbness crept in, With immediate effect, On tiny wornout slippers.

It was over in a heartbeat, A single heartbeat that shook the heavens And broke my soul.

We went through so many heartbeats together Yet in one fell swoop our heartbeats separated Like the Red Sea parting.

We were the deposed Pharoahs Engulfed by this disaster we were destined for.

Star crossed, right from the beginning, And too focused on the moment To check the darkness Lurking in the corners, We murdered the love we so coveted.

Some things, even though pre-destined Never come to fruition, And then the emptiness creeps in On cold damp weary feet.

EVEN LESS

I’ve looked at love from all sides now, Waxing, waning, disseminating On the moonlit shore of dreams.

I’ve seen this miracle awaken I’ve watched it break down to nothing.

I’ve looked at love Through childhood’s page Through teenage fears and middle age.

I’ve tasted its honey. I’ve wasted its money. I’ve exalted it. I’ve faulted it.

The golden years are here Strewn with silver tears And threaded through the eye of yesterday’s needle.

I’ve looked at love from all sides now And understand it Even less.

Moping and groping, Searching to find a tranquil thought To stave off this infiltrating insanity.

What happens to the heart When you realize the one you count on Isn’t going to be there ever? What happens to the mind When the emotional turmoil Becomes so tightly wound The threads of sense break? An empty gnawing feeling Begins to claw its way into the soul Perhaps to nap Perchance to sleep the endless sleep.

Unravelling to the 23 degree

For the 24 time I succumb To the numbness I’ve become.

The tears I cry Are wetter than ever before As I watch them fall onto The imaginary mirror of this page.

I see reflected in them “the possible”

And “the impossible”. I see you. I see me. I see us And then I don’t see us.

The teardrops meet and blend And I see the dream I had for us. The dream I’ve tried so hard to make come true. It’s reduced to teardrops, Adrift on a tide of raw emotion.

It’s still intact, But it’s heavy with love’s metal.

I can’t pick it up by myself. Maybe you could help me lift it So we can hold it to our hearts And make them new again.

Right now, I’m just staring at the dream And praying it doesn’t evaporate.

NEVER LOST

When you can’t find a song to thrill you anymore, I will be your music. When you ca n’t find a dream to build on anymore, I will be your foundation. When you can’t find the passion that flared before, I will be your candle in the wind, your primordial spark. When life is unfair and you’re world weary, I will bring you fresh new moments Laced with the fragrance of flowers Sprinkled with morning dewdrops.

When you’re soul is thirsting, I will be your water, your river, your lake. When your chest feels tight and the air becomes thin, I will be your breath. When you feel a frost starting deep inside you, I will be your fire. I will vanquish the chill and destroy the ice.

When you lose yourself, I will always find you.

NO STRANGER

The wind whispers your name And drifts daydreams of you Through the canyons of my reverie.

You’re no stranger to this secret territory. Instantly my blood recognizes you And my pulse quickens.

I see your image Across every sunlit sky. I smell your essence In every raindrop that touches my skin. I feel your love everywhere, Surrounding me, Sanctifying me, Keeping me safe Inside the warm hold of your heart.

We never were strangers. We were one The moment we first touched.

Where we are concerned There is no beginning, middle or end. Our love always has been, Always is, And always will be.

Eternal. You claim me just by looking at me. You own me just by touching me. You keep me safe just by speaking to me. You transform me into pure love Whenever I hear you whisper my name.

When I speak of love I speak of you. There has never been another. There never will be.

Eternal.

SURVIVAL Candice James Copyright 09.27.2008

Don’t ever doubt The depth of my love for you. It’s a perpetual circle That begins and ends In the vortex Of your very being. It transcends all levels of reality, Known and undiscovered.

There is no music When you’re gone. There is no sunshine Without your smile. There are no dreamscapes Without your eyes. There are no sensations Without your touch. There is no love Without you.

I become lost in a damp fog Whenever you remove yourself From my world.

Return to me. Smile for only me. Touch my heart to bring it alive again.

Bring back the music, The sunshine, Bring back the dreamscapes, The sensations.

Bring back your love That I may survive.

THANK YOU

Thank you For the nights in white satin; For the days strewn with sunshine; For the moments of glory; For the glimpse into infinity; For the creative inspiration.

Thank you For all the little things; For all the big things; For the magical mornings; For the mystical evenings; For all the indelible days.

Thank you For holding me so close; For kissing me passionately; For caressing me tenderly; For touching my soul; For loving me.

I always knew You could never be mine But thank you for trying.

The nights of you and I Those spectacular nights Glittering with the dust of diamonds, Alive with the touch of silk, As we lay feathered together Inside our pillowed dream.

Glory abounded and heaven smiled As we exchanged each other Inside the breathing bullet we fired.

We touched each other’s soul And layed claim to love.

We embraced, and touched the sun. We kissed, and entered heaven. We made love and became pure spirit.

Some things can’t be stopped: A tidal wave; An erupting volcano; Our love.

Those spectacular nights of you and I Will live forever In my memory.

THERE USED TO BE LIGHTNING

There used to be lightning To illuminate my darkened universe. It flashes no more. There used to be a key To access a world of happiness But tears have submerged the door.

There used to be soft raindrops To cleanse and wash away the hurt That careless words created.

There used to be sanity To understand the emotions We were spinning Til sense became too inebriated.

There used to be so much love Before we became lost.

There used to be lightning. Now, There’s only a faint echo Of distant thunder.

Chained to a ghostly speck of dust The weight was unbearable. Lost between pulse beats The silence was defeaning So I dove into a sea of forgetfulness And became suffocated with memories Burned by an icy finger, Warmed by a frozen palm print, Silver pathways began to form and disappear Flashing off and on In some bizarre neon dimension of soul.

A snowdrift of anti matter Swept me off my fountain of fear. I floated through many universes Finally coming to rest on you.

No longer chained to a ghostly speck of dust I languish safely Inside your red hot deafening pulse beat And it is enough.

You are all I hear

As the rain falls, Sky tears mingle with mine As I become one With this coldest night of nights.

I’ve seen fire, But tonight I can’t even recall what it felt like. This chill is too encompassing. This rain is too hard. Sometimes I feel I’m part of the rain, Or it’s a child of mine Stillborn inside a veil of sorrow.

I’ll wrap this rain around me To save me from myself Until I am the rain.

I’ll fall softly through oblivion Until I become unsearchable

WHEN YOU SMILE

When you smile and your eyes sparkle, I catch a fleeting glimpse of the many magical moments to come. I see virgin lands of love laying wantonly in wait For the fingertips of my mind to discover.

From this one glimpse into paradise I can and will create a coveted new fabric to clothe your soul in.

If I could: I’d harness the moon and stars To light your darkest hours; I’d lasso the wind and weave it into a tender towel To dry your wettest tears; I’d package the soft summer rain in a golden vial To soothe your fevered brow; I’d glean the colors from a beautiful sunset To paint your life with enchantment and love.

If I could do these things for you Believe me, I would.

Smile once, for only me, That I may save it To keep me dry on a rainy day.

When you smile, You make my heart stand still. And you always will!

BEFORE YOU LOOKED AWAY

You were my world. My sun rose and set on only you. You were my moonlight. My dreams turned to gold inside your embrace. You were the brightest star in my sky, Spilling dust on my heart to warm it.

You were my greatest passion. The flame burned so hot Some embers will never die.

You were the love of my life, And though we’re parted You remain the love of my life.

The last time I saw you I looked at you hard with love And saw the story of my life Written in your eyes Before you looked away.

Molten lead Dripping from the Universe’s pencil Runs through me onto these pages And creates the comfort I so covet.

Steel teardrops Stolen from the sea of love Lacerate my eyes.

Indigo dreams, So dark they hide magical moments. Never quite real And now, Almost forgotten.

I’m lost. I’m searching for that part of me I lost inside you.

If I can find it, I won’t be lost anymore.

Molten lead, steel teardrops and indigo dreams Are my constant companions.

When the last spark of love I feel for you has finally died, They’ll belong to you.

Whenever I think of crab cakes and jazz I’ll be remembering you. When I recall heartaches and tears I’ll see a vision of you. Whenever I lose something I want I’ll be thinking of you.

As the years pass by and we’re far apart, In a hazy memory, Your image will flash On the screen of my mind -- Sometimes dripping with love; Sometimes drenched with tears; But whenever I think of crab cakes and jazz I’ll remember you.

STARLIGHT SKATING RINK

I’m skating on starlight just outside your vision. Showering in moonbeams, turning to silver.

All my moments are filled with loving Candice James

I’ll pass your way again, and if you’ve got your skates on Reach out for me and I’ll grab your hand and never let it go. We’ll dance together forever in this starlight skating rink I built for only you, just outside of heaven’s door.

I need to always be with Candice James

I’ll offer you the key. If you touch it gently With your diamond love my world will turn to gold.

EVEN BRIGHTER

You’re my water When my spirit is dying of thirst. You’re my sustenance When my soul is bleeding with hunger.

You pour your essence over me.

I ’m alive again. In my eyes You shine Like a beautiful multi-faceted diamond. I know all your edges. To my body You feel like rich luxurious velvet Burning new descriptions Indelibly into my fingertips.

To my mind You are life and death And the long winding pathway Through ecstasy and agony.

To my spirit You are my soul You stoke the embers in my mind.

You create my fire. You will never be homeless. You’ll always live inside me. I breathe on your flame That you may burn even brighter.

The cracked sidewalks I’m traveling,

Shift haphazardly and yawn a warning Into my deafened soul.

I try to run. I try to hide As the landscape of my heart Breaks into brittle needles & pins.

I feel the vines of prophecy Climbing like ivy in my mind Seeking their own truth As they slide around my neck To handcuff my breath.

It’s a long slow kind of death I never chased down, But somehow it found me And became mine When you waltzed into my life.

I can’t run. I can’t hide, But I can dance this song to death That I may be reborn Into someone else’s rhapsody.

ME WITHOUT YOU

It’s like walking to the bedroom, But when you arrive You feel like you’re only halfway there.

Sometimes I find myself turning around And waiting for myself to catch up with me. It’s a rabid displacement of all things Familiar and forgotten. Memories flash off and on, Haze in and out. The good ones try to outsmart the bad ones, But they all end up On the slaughterhouse floor of my heart. It’s like walking into your own heart And not recognizing it. Somehow it’s become a total stranger Wandering haphazardly through your mind.

It’s like walking through heaven’s door And ending up in hell. This is me Without you.

Moving through these unknown times I’m spinning on a dime Pretending it’s a quarter, Fooling only the sad clown In the last row of this theatre of doom.

Moving through this night so long There’s no whisper of light, No lure of warmth, No blanket to hide under Except this sheet of tears This space of ice.

Moving through this hard edged desperation There’s only crimes And suicides of the heart To be investigated; To be dissected; Then blessed; Then divested.

Eventually Moving through Becomes Moving on.

NO WAY OUT OF YOU

You pulled that rug right out from under me When I wasn’t expecting it. Good thing I’m an experienced cat not a kitten I managed to land on my feet And only broke my heart.

I’m direly in need of some exotic catnip But unfortunately you’re the only source I know And you’re not supplying me anymore.

I’m teetering on a high voltage tightrope Too frightened to open my eyes And too scared to take a step For fear of falling into the truth.

I should have checked for a safety net Before I entered the circus ring in your dangerous heart. I’m stuck in the middle with no supplier and no safety net And, no way out of you.

I always seem to be Running up against horizontal zippers In a vertical world.

I never get to fully open the fabric of this nightmare So I never can see everything all at once.

I just get fleeting glimpses Into these pockets of hell, Searching for a heaven That just cannot be found.

So I’ll just keep spinning Round and round In this square prison of water I find myself trapped in.

Drowning, But happy in the knowledge That you won’t notice the tears.

In fact, You probably won’t even notice the water.

THE BRUSH OF YOUR BREATH

Smoke rings rising in images of you. I see all possibilities in them for a moment For all time, and then, I see only one possible moment.

The altered atmosphere, Creates and molds a statue, A cathedral unto itself, Sculpted at the edges of castle deep.

Left behind and dissolving Into a beckoning sea, All negative vibrations suddenly disappear With the brush of your breath on my soul.

I’m a vagrant of love Claiming clemency from all separations. The brush of your breath on my spirit Is the wind beneath my wings.

THE PLEDGE

I pledge my soul to you. If ever a sad feeling starts to form in your eyes, I will lasso the wind And transform it into a towel for your tears.

I will capture the Sun To warm the coldest moments You spend in uncertainty.

If ever you feel empty I will fill you up. If ever you feel needy I will exceed your requirements. If ever you feel frightened I will slay your dragons.

If ever you become lost I promise, I will find you This is my pledge to you

SOME ENDINGS

Sometimes I have 20/20 vision And other times I’m almost legally blind. Either way, I should have seen at the start We’d never have a happy ending.

Some endings are so hard to take You just can’t read that book again. The only evidence that you’ve read it Is the pages that crumpled As your teardrops slowly dried And stained the ink on the page.

We became indecipherable And love disappeared Like frost on the grass.

Without warning, you broke my heart. I still can’t believe I never saw it coming.

Some endings are too hard to take And I just can’t read that book again, Ever.

I thought about you this morning And the tears began again. Lately they’re a frequent yet unwelcome visitor. Thank God they are only momentary And haven’t taken up permanent residence yet.

I see the tearstains on love’s page And wonder at the world that must exist inside them. Some of them look lonely, Some emanate anger, And a few special ones Hold the remnants of lost love.

“Everything is a universe unto itself”. I know this must be true Because you are a universe unto yourself Far separated from love and me.

Nestled in the warm damp Of tears on my pillow I realize you are the stain on my soul That not even death can wash away.

When I saw you this morning You were a sight for sore eyes. Wild and wooly, hair disheveled and hung over. You still looked absolutely beautiful to me. As you neared the car I could feel your heat And the ice in my heart Began a silver thaw Inside that golden moment.

We had good times. We had bad times. When I remember the bad times Even they feel good now.

I’ve carefully wrapped them up In their own special melancholy afterglow.

When I saw you this morning Hung over and disheveled The flood gates in my heart opened And I let you in once again to do more damage, But not before I put on my life jacket And grabbed a few golf balls for you.

Because I never know where we’ll end up, I want to ensure you’re happy And make sure I don’t drown.

At the heart of the matter, It’s a matter of survival.

In the beginning, A meeting of the eyes, A meeting of the minds.

A meeting of the bodies. A meeting of the hearts, And finally A joining of the souls.

And then, The anger, the disillusionment, The airport where we boarded the future And finally We flew apart In our opposite wounded directions.

And now, Teardrops in my eyes, Desolation in my mind, A chill throughout my body, An aching in my heart.

And finally A breaking of my spirit.

The me I knew so well Will never live again. It died inside of you.

NO TRACE

I took the little labels, Identifying the frets, Off the Dobro tonite.

Since we don’t make beautiful music anymore, I couldn’t see much sense In you trying to play it with me again.

In a way it felt bad, But in a way it felt so good To peel those little labels off Like you peeled my love off of you.

As I look at the Dobro now There’s no trace at all That the labels were ever there.

I need to always be with Candice James

If I chance to see you again I’m just as certain There’ll be no trace That I was ever there.

THE VIEW

When you came into view today You looked so good, Wearing the blue Nike T Shirt I bought you for your Birthday.

Did I look good Wearing the heartache You bought me for my Deathday? When I looked into your eyes I saw both confusion and care.

I thought I’d see nonchalance But if it was there you hid it well, Much the way you hide your true emotions.

When you kissed me, I wondered, Was it goodbye or a new kind of hello.

When you came into view today My world started spinning again For a short while, Before the moment ended And you faded through the doorway.

ALWAYS SEARCHING

Winter’s creeping into this lonely city And I want to stand in someone’s shadow. I want to stand in your shadow. I need to hide in your shadow. I long to live in your shadow Taking up permanent residence In a land sans tears.

I’m caught in the quiet of a cloud Flying sidelong into a mountain Of moments I may not be able to Calibrate or estimate, And all the while I’m listening to the breeze As it rolls in and rocks The ancient suspension bridge Hanging by a thread in my mind.

The book of days lays open On a dust riddled table of dreams. The pages turn in slow motion As they erupt from their Shallow burial ground.

During these intervals of upheaval I need to find a safe place to land. I’m always searching For your outstretched arms, For the safety of your smooth runway. I’m always searching For you.

AT THAT CRUCIAL MOMENT

At that crucial moment last night, It was like holding shiny stardust in the palms of my hands. It was like living a million love scenes From the greatest movies ever to grace the silver screen. It was like coming home from the longest journey ever, The thirst finally over, the throat fully slaked, The hunger abated, the spirit sated. It was you laying beside me again after An absence longer than eternity.

I felt the depth of the thrill just as deep As I felt the icy cut of the knife when you left me, The last time, the longest time, the most Terrifying time, right up until That crucial moment last night, When you came home and killed the cold.

The sheets rumpled and sighed under the weight Of your glistening body as you flowed onto Onto me like a wave caressing the shore.

I crumbled and sighed as I slid into your arms Your mouth, your body and your soul. It felt so surreal and yet it was the only real Life since you’ve been gone.

Inherently present in every cell that comprises me You run savagely, silently, soothingly Freedom became lost the first time I swam In the dark of your eyes.

At that crucial moment then And at that crucial moment last night I came full circle back to you And finally found myself.

BROKEN TOO LONG TO BE FIXED

Candice James Copyright 2009 The sun is trying to break through the clouds. In search of a brand new moment And I’m trying to dance with invisible diamonds On a sea of glistening dreams. It’s a new dance with new music That I just can’t seem to comprehend. I’m not used to the gentle steps And the tender twists and turns So easy to navigate. But, alas, I’ve been broken too long to be fixed.

Bring back the tidal waves and savage storms. Bring back the leaky boats with broken oars. Bring back the tattered sail and the cracked mast. Close up all the safe harbors to seek repairs in.

Launch me back into your stormy sea of shipwrecked dreams And smile for me one last time, As I embrace the drowning. I’ve been broken too long to be fixed

How can I cool my lips After your fiery kiss? How can I dream again If you’re not part of it? How can my arms react If it’s not your embrace? How can I hide the trace Of these tears on my face? How can I stop the rain? How can I quell the fear? How can I ease the pain If

I can’t hold you near? How can I face this storm If you won’t keep me warm? I can’t Unless you return to me.

Goodbye my love. It’s hard to watch love die. Please forgive me if I cannot cry. So many questions without answers why. Too many tears made my eyes run dry.

So many pillowcases soaking wet So many failed attempts to raise the dead. Too many writings better left unread. Sometimes I wish we had never met. Too many times you didn’t take the time. So many heartaches. It was such a crime. You made your stand then you walked away. This debt’s now yours and you will have to pay.

Goodbye my love. It’s hard to watch love die.

Please forgive me If I cannot cry.

LATE LAST NIGHT

Late last night The moon hung high in the sky, Hazy inside it’s corona.

The inner recesses of my mind Penetrated its core With a message for only you.

Tell him: I’m in love with him.

I ache for only him. My tears are in the rain. My sighs are on the wind. My heartache is trapped inside this storm

Of needing him; His voice, His touch, His presence. His warmth, His magic.

Late last night I fell to my knees and begged the moon To deliver this message Straight from my heart to yours.

Late last night There wasn’t another living soul in my world Except you.

LOCKED OUT

Your image is burned into my mind, Seared into my heart, Scorched into my soul, And it always will be the biggest part of my spirit.

I see your face everywhere, In everything, Even in transparencies.

I look into the mirror And I see you staring back at me. I’m imprisoned in an atmosphere of needles and pins. I try to succumb to this numbness I’ve become, Then your image flashes again And

Abstrusion Candice james

NAKED AND NEEDING

WRITTEN AND ENGRAVED

YOUR ABSENCE

SWEET HUNGRY FEVER

THE DEEP

THE PLEDGE

BEYOND THE SHADOW

THE TRUTH IS

WHILE YOU LAY SLEEPING

WHISPER MY NAME

YOUR COURT

AND STILL WE PLUNGE DEEPER

HATE/LOVE

THE AWAKENING

BRANDING IRONS

THE EDGE

EVEN LESS

NEVER LOST

NO STRANGER

THANK YOU

THERE USED TO BE LIGHTNING

WHEN YOU SMILE

BEFORE YOU LOOKED AWAY

STARLIGHT SKATING RINK

EVEN BRIGHTER

ME WITHOUT YOU

NO WAY OUT OF YOU

THE BRUSH OF YOUR BREATH

THE PLEDGE

SOME ENDINGS

NO TRACE

THE VIEW

ALWAYS SEARCHING

AT THAT CRUCIAL MOMENT

BROKEN TOO LONG TO BE FIXED

LATE LAST NIGHT

LOCKED OUT

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