On the flip side, I knew that I could be automatically disqualified for a long- term consideration as I had with so many guys in the recent past. After all,
most people—women and men—view not wanting kids as a deal breaker. At the very least, my risked coming across as cold and selfish, two traits that
don’t top the list of what every man want. Giffin, 2006: 3 Claudia realized those things but she can’t stop for being paranoid with any
situation that related with child, having unreasonable feared with marriage life, and all the stuff about family. All of her fears made her seem abnormal from another
woman because, in her surroundings, having a child was the necessity to continue their family name. The abnormality of her decision for not having a child has
appeared since she was a child. It was related with her childhood and also the traumatic experiences from the people around her.
Here, the writer tries to analyze the main character viewed from her psychological problem, which would be called as Neuroses in Claudia’s childhood
with many anxiety reactions as a symptom of the neuroses itself.
1. Neuroses
Neuroses are abnormalities in any other aspect of personal or social behavior which cause discomfort to the individual or annoyance to others, but are not severe
enough to make him incapable or unwilling to assume responsibility for himself or to require his isolation from society. Neuroses are serious failures to adjust. They
usually involve failure to deal adequately with anxiety.
25
This can mean either being overwhelmed by anxiety or developing behavior patterns to deal with anxiety that are
25
T. K. Launder, Psychology: A Brief Overview, United States of America: Mc- Graw-Hill Book Company, 1972, p. 85
themselves maladaptive. In this case, Claudia’s decision for not having a child considered as something weird for her surroundings. Claudia come from a big family
which is appreciate the presence of child as the source of happiness. That makes her decision be in contradiction with her family values. The most common neurotic
condition that ever happens to the people was known as anxiety reactions. It might happen to everyone without considering their gender or even age.
2. Anxiety reactions
Probably the most common neurotic condition is an emotional overreaction. A person in an anxiety state is extremely irritable, or constantly worried and fearful.
Usually he has accompanying bodily symptoms—nausea, sweating, palpitations of the heart. These reactions consist not of occasional periods of worry over rational or
partly rational problems, such as the normal person has, but prolonged periods of extreme, diffuse, and uncalled-for nervousness and apprehension.
Neuroses are characterized by feeling of inadequacy, fearfulness, tension, and difficult interpersonal relationship
26
; the high anxiety narrow perceptions, and muddles thinking and action. Those symptoms were reflected on Claudia’s behavior.
Many of Claudia’s friends and family said that Claudia was too paranoid; and her feared didn’t make sense. She feared on something that never exists. The worse was
Claudia never told the cause of her fearness to anybody. Her divorce made everything
26
Op. Cit. p.164
worse for Claudia. She keeps on frightening. Moreover, it was just her overwhelming anxiety that come from the conflicts inside her.
I always have the feeling that she is directing her comments at me and that she blames me for our decision. Ben used to say I was paranoid, but now, of
course I’m actually right. Either does Jess. She insist that I am being paranoid—that of course Ben’s just as sad as I am—but I have two good
reasons for believing I am in a worse state than he is. Giffin, 2006: 43
Still, she tried to defend herself that she has a reason for her fears. She said that the things that she frightened might become real someday. It feels like you were
cheated from someone; and it would be so terrible for her. In some ways, her fears become an insurance to be more careful.
I think I have always has the misguided sense that worry and fear serve as an insurance policy of sorts. On a subconscious level, I subscribe to the notion
that if you worry about something, it is somehow less likely to happen. Well, I am here to say that it doesn’t work like that. The very things you fear the most
can still happen anyway. And when it does, you feel that much more cheated for having feared in the first place. Giffin, 2006: 46
Neuroses are serious failures to adjust with the reality. They usually involve
failure to deal adequately with anxiety. And a person in an anxiety state is extremely irritable, or constantly worried and fearful; neither was Claudia.
Actually, Claudia feared to get married. Her parent’s divorce gave her a great anxiety for having a serious relationship. She has insecurity feelings as a result of the
divorced. For her, marriage was commitment with great responsibilities. And she was afraid for being failed in her marriage. She chooses for not having a child because she
doesn’t want to make them suffer like her mother did to her. Marriage failures made her trauma.
I hate to be jaded, but I can’t help feeling that all my fears about marriage were confirmed when Ben and I broke up. If I thought I was free when I didn’t
want children, I’m especially free now that I even don’t want a husband. Instead of playing hard to get a worrying about perception, I can do exactly
what strikes my fancy. Giffin, 2006: 141 Moreover, Claudia realized that her fears were overwhelming. She lets Ben go
just because of her fears of having a baby which she can’t be handled. She was afraid that she might become like her mother; something that she really frightened. Here,
Claudia positioned herself as her mother if she has a child someday; and she didn’t want it to happen. Her adoption of parental model of neurotic has various reasons.
One of them was Claudia’s mother has disobeyed her duties as a mother for her children; moreover, she preferred to cheat with the other guy and left them without
any guilty. But she couldn’t tell it to Ben. She just sinks in her fearness. Maybe I’m just afraid. Maybe I let Ben go because the fear of having a baby
actually overweighed the fact that I didn’t want one. Maybe I feared the person I would become. Maybe I feared something I couldn’t quite name, even
to Ben, even to myself. Here I am anyway, facing all of the above. Fear of failure, fear of change, fear of the unknown. And right here, in a bar under
the bridge in Brooklyn, I feel a very small pang of regret. Giffin, 2006: 87- 89
Claudia can’t stop to blame her mother for everything that happened in her life. She never understands; how her mothers could be so cruel to them, meanwhile
they love her so much. Claudia couldn’t easily forgive her mother. There would be no second chances for those who cheated on their family. It’s not all about the morality
but her inability to forgive her mother. Thinking how much easier and clear cut an affair would be. I could never stay
with a man who cheated on me; no matter what the circumstances. I am more
like most men in this regard; no second chances. It’s not so much about morality, but about my inability to forgive. Giffin, 2006: 72
Claudia can’t help not to hate her mother. Even after she has grown up; her mother still never changes. Her mother was never wanted to be blame for anything.
She wasn’t confessing for many scandals that she did for years. She also never respects Claudia’s father efforts to make her happy. Claudia knows exactly how
much her father love her mother. In Claudia’s mind, her mother wasn’t deserves to get a very kind man like him.
But to be fair, I will say this for her: at least she has interests and hobbies and passions, even if those passions often include inappropriate romances. She
also did actually watch soaps, but she also made sure her life was as scandalous as the most outrageous character on all her favorite shows. My
mother always picked up her own presents. Whenever my father tried, his efforts would go unrewarded. Giffin, 2006: 110
Claudia becomes cynical with her mother. She has never been a good mother for Claudia and her sisters. Her mother left them to cheat with the other guy when
they still need her loves and affections. And it was not over in that way. Claudia and her family must faced the mocked from their surroundings because of her mother’s
attitudes. They had to move to the suburban area and being isolated from neighborhood in years. Her mother was nuisance and a trial; she even not deserve to
any events in their life. And she can’t forgive her anyway, no matter what her mother tried to
apologize. Claudia knows that she was facing with the woman who gave birth on her. But it was already late; her heart, either with her sisters, has been frozen. She prefers
to avoid her in any situations. She even decided to make revenge to her. It was more like a business. Claudia thought that if she can divorce from the man whom she loved
most, so, she must be able to revenge and being cruel with her mother. Every evil that they ever did to her must be paid. And Claudia always tried to hide her fears of
motherhood through many reasons. Frankly, the reason why she didn’t want to have a child was because she didn’t want her mother to define who she is because it gave her
bizarre sense; a feeling like facing with the enemy. I suddenly know that this woman, who happened to give birth to me almost
thirty-five-years ago takes my picture in this moment and seeks the benefit from my grief, I will be done with her forever. I will not speak to her again. I
will refuse to see her under any circumstances, death bed scenario included. No matter how atrocious the mother’s offense, it’s still made the daughter as
unforgiving, self-righteous, and cold. My mother is a nuisance and a trial, but she is not important enough to write off in any bold terms. Still, despite my
general feelings about avoiding total estrangement, I have the sense that I am at a crossroads. This time I mean business. If I can get a divorce from a man I
love, I can cut off this woman. Of course I’ve had this thought many times before, but I have never followed through. I always cave—not for her sake,
nor because I need or want to be a mother—but because I don’t want my mother to define who I am, and not talking to her would do that in some
bizarre sense. Giffin, 2006: 114
One day, Claudia’s mother was apologizing to her for everything she made; it was the first time after years. Claudia knew that she couldn’t hate her mother in her
whole life. No matters what she had done, she is still her mother; Claudia is proud that her mother finally wants to confess her mistakes. It also reminds her that she
didn’t necessary for being sad because she still has many worth things in life. Such as good career, her beloved sisters and father, and of course, she has rich relationships
with many people.
But there was something about my mother’s words that felt revelation to me. Perhaps because it was the first time my mother had ever apologized to me for
anything. Perhaps because everyone wants her mother to be proud—and, to some extent, we can’t help seeing ourselves as our mother sees us. Perhaps
because it was a reminder of all that I still have in my life. I have my career, of course. But more important, I have rich relationships that I cherish. I am a
good sister, daughter, and friend. My life has meaning—and will continue to have meaning—without Ben. Giffin, 2006: 118
Claudia’s mother was meant with her words. She realized that she was not the
best mother in the world. She convinced Claudia that Claudia wasn’t her; and she doesn’t want Claudia made a wrong decision to let Ben go just because of her.
Claudia’s fearness was not reasonable. Because Claudia was not her; Claudia means a lot of things for many people. Claudia knew that her mother has a good intention to
her. But, it couldn’t change everything so easily. She has pegged her as the main reason she didn’t want a child. And Claudia has been settled up her position on
motherhood since she was a child. She looks contemplative, as if carefully considering her wording. I’m not the
best mother in the world… I never have been, she says slowly. But always remember, Claudia, you are not me. You are a lot of things to a lot of people.
But you are absolutely nothing like me. I never did think I was anything like my mother, nor did I peg her as the main reason I didn’t want children. So,
despite her intent, my mother speech did nothing to reverse my position on motherhood. Giffin, 2006: 117-118
Meanwhile, Claudia found that her relationship with Ben was so satisfying and real. And she started to believe that Ben was her soul mate. Claudia loves Ben so
much, but Ben never shows like she does in a word. Claudia thought that Ben wasn’t capturing the essence of her feeling. It made her frustrating because she wanted Ben
to know how special he was to her. Those things appeared as an excessive fear for Claudia during her marriage. She always frightened to lose Ben someday.
As I talked, I had the distinct sense that I wasn’t really capturing the essence of the way I was feeling. It was frustrating because I wanted Ben to know how
special he was to me. Giffin, 2006: 7 Claudia knows exactly how much Ben loves her more than anyone else in
Ben’s life. But, she always thought that she loves Ben more than he ever did to her. She wants to show that Ben was everything to her. Moreover, in the other side it
makes she cannot stop for being anxiety of losing Ben. I’m pretty sure that I love Ben more than he loves me. I know he loves me a
lot. I know he loves me more than he loves Nicole or anyone else. In the beginning, middle and end of ours, I think I’ve constantly loved him more. I’m
Ben’s approximate equal and have always felt secure, confident, and worthy. But still, I happen to love Ben slightly more, which has the effect of making
you fear losing someone than if it were the other way around. Giffin, 2006:46
A long time before her marriage broken, she always feared that she might let Ben go someday. Day-by-day Claudia lived with her anxiety of losing Ben. And now,
her biggest fear has been formed as a divorce. But she couldn’t accept her divorce. She truly believed that her decision to let Ben slip away from her was the worst
decision that she ever made; and she often regret for it in many times. She knew that she can’t live without him. Whenever she made a big decision in life, at least her
decision where she might have viable alternative, there is an inevitable uneasy aftermath. And anxiety is merely a sign that you’re taking something seriously.
I remember looking at Ben when he slept one night and fearing that I would someday let him down; or that he would let me down. Giffin, 2006: 66
Claudia realizes that she was a stubborn person. Even if she told everybody
that she didn’t regret for her divorce, but her heart cannot deny that she still miss Ben so much. She guesses that she could live without Ben, but she was wrong. Her life
becomes such a misery that she never thought before. Everything was not as simply as someone’s too much to bear.
I guess I really don’t expect him to, but every time I check my voice mail and hear “no new messages”, I feel a fresh wave of devastation. Something tells
me he’s not, though, and there is something about this hunch that makes my pain feel exponentially worse. The whole “misery loves company” thing never
applies more than when you’re breaking up. The other thought that the other person is doing fine is simply too much to bear. Giffin, 2006:43
Claudia believed that her love for Ben was the most real thing that she ever
known. Neither, she still fretted that she might end the relationship with a disappointment. And when she lost Ben because of their divorce, she has a nagging
feeling that she might look back and realized it as the biggest mistake in her life. Having Ben besides her made her feel comfortable. Ben gave her with a lot of
love and affection, something that she never really feels in her life. Ben’s love was the most honest thing that she ever had and, frankly, she never wants to lose it.
I knew that my love for Ben was the most real thing I had ever known, but I still fretted that I was setting myself up for disappointment. And now, as I
watched Ben slip away from me, I have the nagging feeling that I will someday look back at this fork in the road and point to it as the biggest
mistake of my life. Giffin, 2006: 66 She sank herself into anger; anger to everything in her life. In some ways, she
keeps thinking that she had already made the biggest mistake by losing Ben.
Everything does too easily and pretends that there was never be love between them. She tried to focus on her jobs, but she never does it well.
So in the following days and weeks, I find myself spinning my hurt into anger. Anger about the whole situation. Anger toward Ben for turning his back on
me. Anger that propels me along quite nicely, all the way of fancy divorce lawyer on Fifth Avenue. In some ways, it feels like Ben and I are breaking up
over night, way too easily. I keep thinking that only shallow celebrities end their marriages as easily as we are. I have always worked a lot of hours, but
I’ve never been this inspired, this on top of things. Giffin, 2006:52 When the time come and she must assigned the closure of her divorce, she felt
doubt. She hates to be honest but divorce from Ben was something that she ever wanted. A closure means that it would be the last time for Claudia to see Ben as her
husband. Claudia hates to assign the closure. In her deepest feelings, she thought that she was just giving Ben one more last chance to think everything over again. And she
hopes that Ben would like to change his mind; so that, they don’t need to be divorced like this.
Closure is one of those words I’ve always hated, overused by melodramatic women. But I don’t think it’s melodramatic to use the term when your
marriage is dissolving. When you need to see your husband one more time to come to the terms with the fact that he’s no longer going to be your husband.
Although maybe, maybe, I’m just giving him one last chance to change his mind. Giffin, 2006:57
Waiting for the process of her divorce, Claudia decided to walk around her
previous neighborhood where she lived with Ben for years. She didn’t know exactly what makes her did it. But she convinced herself that she never meet Ben anymore.
They were over now.
Everything was just same. Only her status that looks different now. She starts to consider that Michael might be right when he says that the stuff about fear
motivating was the main reason which influences me to divorce Ben. Claudia hopes that afternoon she could meet Ben to give the answer. Even she knows, it doesn’t
really matter because nothing has changed. I really cannot say exactly what makes me take the subway up to my old
apartment when, prior to this afternoon, I was convinced that sort of mere happenstance I would never see Ben again. I start to think about Michael
says, the stuff about fear motivating my decision to divorce Ben. Somehow I think I believe that seeing Ben will give me these answers. Or maybe it’s just
an excuse to see him again. In any event, it doesn’t really matter. Nothing has changed. I still don’t want a baby, and Ben still does. Giffin, 2006:89
Coincidentally, she met Ben in the park. He was jogging. Jogging was Ben’s
favorite sport. Ben runs toward Claudia. They greet each other in a rigid conversation. But, a moment later, there is a girl who closes towards them. Ben
introduced her to Claudia. Claudia cannot think about anything for a moment. She was just too shocked.
Ben was running with a girl, something that he never did before except with Claudia. Claudia thought that Ben was on a date with the girl. She studies the girl
carefully. And she cannot stop for being jealous with her although she knows that she has not any right for it now. She was already divorce with Ben.
Instead, he turns to the other direction to face a girl jogging toward him. My mind freezes and then clicks into place. Ben is running with a girl. He is on a
date. A late afternoon, summer date. A run-in-the-park-together date. I study this woman—this girl—he is with. And I cannot stop for being jealous with
her; feelings that I shouldn’t have after all happened. Giffin, 2006:91
Ben knows that there was something wrong with Claudia after their meeting in the park; so, he tried to call her at night. But Claudia was too sad to answer the
call. She was never imagining that she was so easily for being replaceable. She never thinks that Ben could be out there so soon and having a date with another women.
She really disappointed with Ben. She decided for being alone for a while. Ben calls me twice that night. But, I feel too sad and queasy to answer. I never
fancied myself irreplaceable. I mean, our divorce is proof that I am totally replaceable. But I really didn’t think Ben would be out there so soon, meeting
women already, as if he is up against some male biological clock. Giffin, 2006:96
After a few months since her divorce, Claudia realizes that now was the time
for her to get up. She cannot let herself sank in her sadness any longer. There were so many things that she must do in her life. She also realizes that losing Ben was the
most frightening things for her. She has made the biggest mistake in her life that makes everybody’s around her was suffered. She loves Ben more than her decision
for not having a child. An anxious person often looks for someone or something to cling to them. But
it was not easy. An anxiety person needs someone who can understand, protected, make they feel comfortable, and also reduced their anxiety. If they felt matched they
would kept their partner in many ways; and neither with Claudia. For some time, she doesn’t know what to do. She realized that she needs Ben so much in her life, after
the divorce. She knew exactly that she loves Ben with all her heart. The only thing that she knows is she will do everything to keep her love. Even though she must
sacrifice her principle; and think to have a child with her beloved man, Ben. A decision that was very brave and she never thought before.
I don’t know whether I will ever overcome my fears of motherhood. Whether I will someday be a mother. Whether I am capable of being a good one. Giffin,
2006: 306 When the Thanksgiving Days come, she took an important decision that
might change everything. She knows that she cannot life without Ben. Even all of things were happened to their relationship; Ben was always being her spirit in life.
Claudia decided to tell Ben that she would have the same conclusion about their relationship. That she would do anything to get Ben back, even if that means she have
to having a baby with him. The only thing that Claudia wants to do is sharing her life with Ben, in whatever form takes.
I desperately want to tell him that I have come to the same conclusion about us. That I would do anything to get him back, even if that means having a
baby; that I nearly might even want a baby with him. That I want to do is share my life with him, in whatever form takes. Giffin, 2006:300
Having a child was one of the biggest decisions that someone had in life. It
was also a decision with a great responsibilities and obligations. Every people have their own perspective on having a child. Most people said that child was the source of
happiness because they can enrich our live. Claudia realized that she has a psychological problem which reflected by her unreasonable fears of motherhood. She
knew that she also had a weakness in order to control her emotions because she lived
in her anxiety in years. She finally decided to forget the past and open a new life with her husband.
CHAPTER IV CONCLUSION AND SUGGESTION
