adventures in parenting rev

NIH Pub. No. 00-4842 October 2001

How

and

Can

Help

You

Be

a

Successful

Parent

A d v e n tu re s in P a re n tin g : H o w R e sp o n d in g , P re v e n tin g , M o n ito rin g , M e n to rin g , a n d M o d e lin g C a n H e lp Y o u B e a S u cc e ss fu l P a re n t

U.S.DepartmentofHealth andHumanServices NationalInstitutesofHealth EuniceKennedyShriverNational InstituteofChildHealthand HumanDevelopment

For more information...

TheEunice Kennedy ShriverNational Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD), part of the National Institutes of Health, conducts and supports research on topics related to the health of children, adults, and families. One important part of the NICHD’s mission is to inform the public about its research and research findings.

The NICHD Information Resource Center is your one-stop source for NICHD information on topics like parenting, early child care, nutrition, pregnancy, and other health topics.The information specialists at the NICHD Information Resource Center can assist you in ordering free brochures, booklets, fact sheets, research reports, and other publications.The NICHD Information Resource Center staff can also help you find health-related information from sources outside the NICHD.

You can contact the NICHD Information Resource Center at:

Phone:_{1-800-370-2943 (TTY: 1-888-320-6942)}

Mail: _{P.O. Box 3006, Rockville, MD 20847}

Fax:_{1-866-760-5947}

E-mail: _{NICHDInformationResourceCenter@mail.nih.gov}

Internet: _{http://www.nichd.nih.gov}

DearFellowParent,

Asparents,wehavethemost importantjob intheworld.There is nothingwedoinourlifetimesthatismoresignificantthanhowwe raiseourchildren. It’sachallenging,full-timejobthatlasts throughout ourlives,nomatterhowoldourchildren get.Whileparentingpresents uswithstrugglesandtrials,it alsooffersusmanyrewards.Thoserewards, too,canlastthroughourlives.

Thisbookletaddressescertain strugglesandtrialsofparenting and highlightssomeofitsmanyrewards.Theinformation isbasedondecades ofresearchonparenting,aswellastheexperiencesofactual parents andexperts inparenting.Thebookletisdesignedforparentsofevery background,fromfirst-time parentsto grandparents,sothatanyonewho interactswithchildrencanbenefitfromthisvaluableinformation. Parentingisnotonlyvital toourpresent,butalsoto ourfuture,asour childrenthemselves becomeparents.Raisingchildrenisanadventure, fullofsurprisesandchanges.I hopethatthisinformationhelpsyou to shapeyourownparenting practicesand beliefs,asyou embarkon your ownparentingadventure.

Sincerelyyours,

Alan E. Guttmacher, M.D.

Director

Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institute of

How

and

Can

Help

You

Be

a

Successful

Parent

NICHD

National Institute of Child Health & Human Development

Table

of

contents

2 Adventures in parenting

5 Respondingtoyourchildinan appropriatemanner 8 Preventingriskybehavioror problemsbeforetheyarise

12 Monitoringyourchild’scontactwithhisorher surroundingworld 16 Mentoringyourchildto supportand encouragedesiredbehaviors 20 Modelingyourownbehaviorto provide

aconsistent,positive exampleforyourchild

23 Now what should I do?

24 Is your child under three?

Thenread this...

35 Is your child between ages fourand ten?

Thenread this...

47 Is your child between ages eleven and fourteen?

Thenread this...

61 References

62 Acknowledgements

63 For more information...

RPM3

4

-1

0

YEARS

11

-1

4

YEARS

0

-3

A

Adventures

in

parenting

Have youheard the latest advice about parenting?

Ofcourseyouhave.From expertsto otherparents,peoplearealways readytogiveyouparentingadvice.Parentingtips,parents’survivalguides, dos, don’ts, shoulds, andshouldn’ts—newones comeouteveryday. Butwithsomuchinformationavailable,howcan anyonefigureout what reallyworks? How doyou knowwhoseadvicetofollow?Isn’tparenting just commonsenseanyway? How cantheexperts knowwhatit’sliketo be aparentinarealhouse?

What’s a parent to do?

TryRPM3—ano-frillsapproachtoparenting fromtheEuniceKennedy ShriverNationalInstituteofChildHealthandHumanDevelopment(NICHD). Forover30 years,theNICHDhasconducted andsupportedresearch inparentingandchild development.We’vetalkedto experts,parents,

and children.We’vecollectedstatistics,identifiedmyths, andtested suggestions.Theresultis RPM3.

TheRPM3guidelinesaren’tmeant tobe justanother parenting“howto,”tellingyouwhat todo.Instead,RPM3 separatestheusefulinformation fromthenot-so-useful sothatyou can makeyourowndecisionsaboutparenting.RPM3does morethantell storiesaboutwhatpeoplethinkaboutparenting,it incorporates30years ofNICHDresearchtotellyouwhat reallyworks.

RPM3confirms somethingthatyou alreadyknow:parentsdomatter. Youmatter. Readon tofindoutjusthowmuch...

Parents

do

RPM3

Thefirstsectionofthisbookletexplains eachitem inRPM3,responding, preventing,monitoring, mentoring, and modeling,inmoredetail.These lessonsdescribe howRPM3canhelpyou makedailydecisionsaboutparenting.The remainingsectionsofthebookletgive examplesofhowsomeparentshaveusedthe lessonsofRPM3withtheirownchildren. Asyouread,youwill noticenumbers,like 1_or7_{nexttocertain words.Thesenumbers} relatetotheresearchthatsupportsanidea orconcept,listedontheReferencespage. Thesereferencesgiveyoumoreinformation aboutNICHDparentingresearch.

So where do we start?

Thefirstthingyou needtoknowis that therearenoperfectparents.Parentingisn’t all-or-nothing.Successesandmistakesare partofbeing aparent.Start tothinkabout thetype ofparentyou wantto be.RPM3 offersresearch-basedguidelinesforbeing: ▪ Aneffective _parent

Yourwordsandactionsinfluenceyour childthewayyouwantthemto. ▪ Aconsistent _parent

Youfollowsimilarprinciplesorpracticesinyourwordsand actions. ▪ Anactive_parent

Youparticipateinyourchild’slife. ▪ Anattentive_parent

Youpayattentionto yourchild’slifeand observewhat goeson.

RPM3

standsfor:

Responding toyour

child inan appropriate manner.

Preventingrisky

behavioror problems beforethey arise.

Monitoring your

child’scontactwith hisor hersurroundingworld.

Mentoringyour

childto support and encouragedesired behaviors.

Modeling your own

behaviorto provide a consistent,positive examplefor your child.

Byincludingresponding,preventing,monitoring,mentoring,and

modelinginyourday-to-dayparentingactivities,youcanbecome amore effective,consistent,active,and attentiveparent.

Onceyou havelearnedabouteachRPM3guideline,goto thesection thatdescribesyourchild’sageto seehowsomeparentsusetheseguidelines intheireverydayparenting.Thinkaboutstepsyoucantake tousethese guidelinesandideas inyourownday-to-dayparenting.

Beingamoreeffective,consistent,active,and attentiveparentisachoice thatonlyyoucanmake.

Keep in mind...

Asyoulearn abouttheRPM3guidelinesand readtheexamples,remember thatresponding,preventing,monitoring,mentoring,andmodelinghavetheir placeinparentingeverychild—including thosechildrenwithspecialor differentneeds.

Allchildren—be theymentallychallenged,mentallygifted,physically challenged,physicallygifted,orsomecombinationofthese—canbenefit fromtheguidelinesinRPM3.Thechildrendescribedinthebooklet’s examplesmightbeinwheelchairs;theycould haveleukemiaorasthma;they maytakecollegelevelcourses;ortheymightbeinspecial classesforkids withattentiondeficitdisorder.

Thestoriesdon’tspecificallymentionthesetraitsbecauseall kidsneed day-to-dayparenting,including thoseinspecialsituations.Theguidelines presentedinRPM3focusonhowtohandle day-to-dayparentingchoices, inwhichachild’sabilitiesor disabilitiesarenotthemost important

factors.Thebooklet’sexamplesalsoapplyto familiesofanyculture,religion, livingarrangement,economicstatus,andsize.They addresssituationsthat allfamiliesexperience,evenifthespecificfamily detailsareslightlydifferent. Let’sbeginbylearningthelessonsthatRPM3hastoteach,startingwiththe

R

Responding

to

your

child

in

an

appropriate

manner

RPM3

Thisguidelinemayseemobvious,butrespondingismorethanjustgiving yourchildattention.Thewordsareactuallysayingtwodifferentthings:

1)makesureyou’rerespondingtoyourchild,notreacting;and 2)make sureyourresponseisappropriate,notoverblownorout-of-proportion, toocasualor minimal,ortoolate.

Are you reacting or responding to your child?

Manyparentsreacttotheir children.Thatis,theyanswerwiththefirst word,feeling,oractionthatcomestomind.It’sanormalthingtodo, especiallywithalltheotherthingspeopledoevery day.

Whenyoureact,youaren’tmaking adecision aboutwhatoutcomeyou wantfromaneventoraction.Evenmorethanthat,ifyou react,youcan’t choosethebestway toreachtheoutcomeyou want.

Respondingtoyourchildmeans thatyou takeamomentto thinkaboutwhatis really goingonbeforeyouspeak,feel,oract. Respondingismuchharderthanreacting becauseittakesmoretime andeffort. Thetimethatyoutake betweenlookingat theeventand acting,speaking,orfeelingis vitalto yourrelationshipwithyourchild. Thattime,whetheritbeafewseconds,five minutes,oradayortwo,allowsyou tosee thingsmoreclearly,intermsofwhatis happeningrightnowandwhatyouwant tohappen inthelong-run.

The

time

that

you

take

between

looking

at

the

event

and

acting,

speaking,

or

feeling

is

vital

to

your

relationship

with

your

child.

What is an appropriate response?

Anappropriateresponseisone thatfitsthesituation.Bothyourchild’sage andthespecificfactsoftheoccasionareimportantindecidingwhatafitting responseis.Forexample,afittingresponseforababywhois cryingdiffers fromafittingresponseforafour-year-oldor a10-year-old whoiscrying. Afittingresponseforaninstanceinwhichachild isrunningdependson whetherthatchildisrunning intoabusystreetorrunning totheswingset ontheplayground. Yourchild’sphysicaloremotionalneedsmayalsoshape yourdecisionaboutafitting response.

Responding to your child

in an appropriate manner

allows youto:

▪ Thinkaboutall the options before youmakea decision. Thiswill helpyouchoosethe bestway to getfrom thecurrent situationtotheoutcomethat you want.Bytakingtime tosee aproblemfrommanysides,for instance,you aremorelikely to choosethemost fittingresponse. Forsituationsthathappen often, yourwell-thought-outresponse canbecome almostautomatic,like picking upacrying baby.

▪ Answersome basicquestions: Doyourwordsgetacrosswhat you aretrying tosay?Doyour actionsmatchyourwords?Areyour emotionsgetting intheway ofyour decision-making?Doyou know thereasonsforyourchild’sactions orbehavior?

Did

you

know...?

Parentsdo matter!1

Ofallthe thingsthat influenceyourchild’s growthanddevelopment, oneofthemostimportant isthereliable,responsive, andsensitivecareyour childgetsfromyou. Youplay akey rolein yourchild’sdevelopment, alongwithyourchild’s intelligence,temperament, outsidestresses,and socialenvironment.

RPM3

▪ Consider previous,similar events

and recall howyou handled them. Youcanremindyourchildoftheseother timesand theiroutcomes,toshowthat youarereallythinkingaboutyourdecision. Youcanuseyourpastexperiencesto judgethecurrentsituation,decide the outcomeyouwant,and figureouthow toreachthatoutcome.

▪ Be a moreconsistent parent. Yourchildwillknowthatyouarenot

makingdecisions basedonwhim, especiallyifyouexplainhowyoumade yourchoice.Yourchildwill bemore likelytocometo youwithquestionsor problemsifheorshehassomeideaof whattoexpectfromyou.Warm,concerned, andsensitive responseswillalsoincrease thelikelihoodofyourchildcoming toyou withquestionsorproblems.

Rememberthatconsistentparenting does

notmeaninflexibleparenting.

▪ Offeran example ofhow to makethoughtfuldecisions. Asyourchildgetsolder,heorshewill knowyourdecision-making processandwill appreciatethetimeyou take.Yourchild mighteven patternhimorherself afteryou.

▪ Build a solidbut flexiblebond oftrust between you and your child.

Asolidbondholdsupto toughsituations;aflexiblebondsurvivesthe changesinyourchild andinyourrelationshipwithyourchildthatare certainto occur.

Nowyoucaneither gototheexamples,orreadontolearnthePinRPM3.

Did

you

know...?

Parents havea profound influence onchildren from the beginning of their children’s lives.2

As aparent, youcan haveclosecontact with yourchildfromthe timeheorsheissmall. Thattypeofcontact builds trust;withtrustcomes commitment. Parentswho are committedtotheir child’swell-beingcan haveaverypositiveeffect ontheir child.

P

Preventing

risky

behavior

or

problems

before

they

arise

Seemseasy enough.You“childproof”yourhouseto makesureyour crawlingbaby ortoddlercan’tgetinto thecleaningproductsorelectrical outlets.Youcatchyoureight-year-oldjumpingonthebedand makeher stop.You makeyour12-yearoldwearhishelmetwhenherideshisbike, nomatterhow“dumb”hethinksitmakeshimlook.

Butpreventiongoesbeyondjustsaying“no”or“stop.”Therearetwoparts toprevention:1)Spottingpossibleproblems;and 2)Knowinghowto work throughtheproblem. Let’slookat eachonealittlecloser.

Spotting possible problems

Considerthesemethodsforspottingproblems beforetheyturninto

full-blowncrises:

▪ Be actively involvedin your child’s life.

Thisisimportantforallparents,no matterwhattheliving arrangements. Knowinghowyourchildusually thinks,feels,andactswill helpyou tonoticewhenthings beginto change.Somechangesarepartof your child’sgrowingup,but otherscouldbe signsoftrouble.

▪ Setrealistic limitsand enforce them consistently. Beselectivewithyourlimits,byputtingboundarieson themost importantbehaviorsyourchildis engagedin.Makesureyouand your childcan“see”alimitclearly.Ifyourchildgoesbeyondthelimit, dealwithhimorherinsimilarwaysforsimilarsituations.Ifyoudecide topunishyourchild,usethemosteffectivemethods,likerestriction ortime-outs.Youcouldalso makeyourchildcorrectormakeupfor

RPM3

theoutcomeof hisor heractions;makesuretheharshnessofthe punishmentfitsyourchild’s“crime.”Asyourchildlearnshowlimits workandwhathappens whenheorshegoespastthose limits,he orshewilltrustyou tobe fair.

▪ Createhealthy waysforyour child to express emotions. Much“actingout”stemsfromchildren notknowinghowtohandle their emotions.Feelings canbe sointensethat usualmethodsofexpressingthemdon’t work.Or,becausefeelingslikeangeror sadnessareviewedas“bad,”yourchild maynotwanttoexpressthemopenly. Encourageyourchildtoexpressemotions inahealthyandpositive way;letyour child seeyoudoing thingstodealwith yourownemotions.Once thesefeelings areless powerful,talkto yourchildabout howheorshefeelsandwhy. Makesure yourchildknowsthatall emotionsare partofthepersonthatheorsheis, notjustthe“good”or happyones.Once yourchildknowshisorher rangeof emotions,heorshecanstartto learnhow to handlethem.

Did

you

know...?

Allparents should maintainpositive relationshipswith theirchildren.3

Oneparent,two parents, grandparents,foster parents,weekendparents, stepparents.Regardless ofwhetheror notyou livewithyourchild, it’simportantthatyou maintainapositive relationshipwithhim or her.Apositiverelationship givesyourchildastable environmentinwhichto grow,so thatyouare one ofthepeopleyourchild learnstodepend on.

Knowing how to work through the problem

Becauseproblemsarequitedifferent,howyousolve themalsodiffers.To solvetoughproblems,youmayneed morecomplexmethods.Keepthese thingsinmindwhentryingtosolveaproblem:

▪ Knowthat youare not alone.

Talk tootherparentsor atrustedfriendorrelative. Someofthemmight bedealingwithorhavedealtwithsimilarthings.They mayhaveideason howto solveaproblem inaway youhaven’tthoughtof. Or,theymight shareyourfeelings,whichcanalsobe acomfort.

▪ Admitwhen aproblem isbigger than youcan handlealone orrequires specialexpertise.

No oneexpectsyoutosolve everyproblemyourfamilyhasbyyourself. Someproblemsarejusttoobig tohandlealone,notbecauseyou’re a“bad”parent,butsimply becauseofthenatureof theproblem. Be realisticaboutwhatyoucanand can’tdoonyourown.

▪ Get outsidehelp, if needed.

There willbe timeswhenyoujustwon’tknowhowto helpyourchild; othertimes,you trulywon’tbe abletohelpyourchild.That’sokay; someoneelsemayknowhowto help.Useall theresourcesyouhave tosolveaproblem,including gettingoutsidehelpwhenyouneedit. Rememberthatit’snotimportanthowaproblem issolved,justthatitis.

Where can I go for parenting help?

▪ Otherparents

▪ Family membersand relatives ▪ Friends

▪ Pediatricians

▪ Schoolnurses andcounselors

▪ Socialworkers andagencies ▪ Psychologistsand psychiatrists ▪ Pastors,priests, rabbis, andministers ▪ Community groups

Ifyou’dlike,turn tothesectionthatmatchesyourchild’sage toread moreabouthowsomeparentshaveincludedpreventingintheirdaily parentingroutine.Oryou canreadonto learnabouttheM3inRPM3. TheM3inRPM3describesthreecomplex,but centralprinciples ofparenting:monitoring,mentoring, and modeling.Manypeople areconfusedbythesewordsbecausetheyseemsimilar,buttheyarereally verydifferent.Itmightbeeasiertounderstandtheseideasifyou think ofthemthisway:

▪ Being amonitor meansthatyoupaycarefulattention toyour childandhisorher surroundings,especiallyhisorhergroupsof friendsandpeersandingettingusedto school.

▪ Being amentormeans thatyouactivelyhelpyourchildlearn moreabouthimorherself,howtheworldworks,andhisorher role inthatworld.Asamentor,youwill alsosupportyourchildashe orshelearns.

▪ Being amodel meansthatyouuseyourownwordsand actions asexamplesthatshowyourbeliefs,values,and attitudesinactionfor yourchild onadailybasis.

Nowlet’slookat eachone moreclosely.Monitoringyourchild seems straightforward,solet’sstartthere.

RPM3

M

Monitoring

your

child’s

contact

with

his

or

her

surrounding

world

Doyouneed tobe asuperherowithx-rayvisionandeyesintheback ofyourheadto beacarefulmonitor? Ofcoursenot.You don’tneedto bewithyourchildeveryminute ofeveryday,either.Beingacareful monitorcombinesasking questionsand payingattention,withmaking decisions,settinglimits,and encouragingyourchild’spositive choices whenyouaren’tthere.

Whenyourchildisyoung,monitoringseems easybecauseyou arethe onemaking mostofthedecisions.You decidewhocaresforyourchild; youdecide whatyourchildwatchesorlistensto;youdecidewho your

childplayswith.Ifsomethingorsomeonecomes incontactwithyourchild,you’reusually one of thefirst toknow.

Things maychangeasyourchildgets older,especiallyafterschoolbeginsand into thepre-teenand teenyears.Askidsbegin tolearnabouttheir ownpersonalities, theysometimesclashwiththeirparents’ personalities.Aparent’sabilityto actively monitorisoftenone ofthefirst things tosufferfromthisclash.

Parents needtomonitor theirchildren’s comingsandgoingsthrougheveryage and stageofgrowth.

Being

a

careful

monitor

combines

asking

questions

and

paying

attention,

with

making

decisions

and

setting

limits.

RPM3

Beinganactivemonitor canbeassimpleasanswering somebasic

questions:

▪ Whoisyourchildwith?

▪ What doyouknowabouttheperson(s)yourchildiswith?

▪ Whereisyourchild?

▪ What isyourchilddoing?

▪ Whenwillyourchildbe home/leaving?

▪ Howisyourchildgetting there/home?

Youwon’talwayshave detailedanswers tothesequestions,butit’s

importanttoknowmost oftheanswers,mostofthetime.

Youmayalsowanttokeep thesethingsinmindwhenbeing an

activemonitor:

▪ Openthe lines ofcommunication when your child is young and keepthose linesopen.

Itseems obvious,buthonestcommunicationiscrucial.Whenyour childisyoung,talkopenly aboutthingsyou dowhenyou aren’twith yourchild;then askyourchildwhat heorshedoesduringthose times.Asyourchildgetsolder,keepupthistypeofcommunication. Bothyou andyourchildhaveto takepartinopen,two-way

communication.

▪ Tellyour child what thoughts and ideals youvalue and why.

Forinstance,ifbeing respectfulto adultsisanideal youwant yourchildtohave,tell himor her;evenmoreimportantly,tellhim orherwhy youthinkit’simportant.Don’tassumethatyourchild knowsyourreasonsforvaluingone practiceorwayofbehaving overanother.

▪ Know what your child is watching, reading, playing,or listeningto.

BecauseTV,movies,video games,theInternet,and musicaresuchalargepartofmanyofourlives, theycanhave ahugeinfluenceon kids.Besure youknowwhat yourchild’sinfluencesare.You can’thelpyourchildmakepositivechoicesifyou don’tknowwhat websitesheorshevisitsor whatheorshereads,listensto,watches,orplays. ▪ Know the people your child

spendstime with.

Becauseyoucan’t bewithyourchildall thetime, youshouldknowwho iswithyourchildwhen you’renot.Friendshave abiginfluenceon your child,frompre-schoolwellintoadulthood. Muchof thetime,thisinfluenceispositive,but notalways.Withalittleeffortfromyou,your childmightsurroundhimorherselfwithfriends whosevalues,interests,andbehaviorswillbe “pluses”inyourchild’slife.Yourchildalsospends alotoftime withhisorherteachers.Teachersplayavital roleinyour child’sdevelopmentand overallwell-being,sogettoknowyourchild’s teachers,too.

▪ Givedirection withoutbeing rigid.

Insomecases,notbeingallowed todosomethingonlymakesyour childwantto doit more.Istheanswerjustplain“no”ordoesitdepend onthecircumstances?“Yes,but onlyif...”isausefuloptionwhen making decisions.

To findouthowsomeparentsusemonitoringintheir dailyparenting practices,turntothesectionofthisbookletthatrelatestoyourchild’s age.Oryoucan readonto learnaboutmentoring.

With

a

little

effort

from

you,

your

child

might

surround

him

or

herself

with

friends

whose

values,

interests,

and

behaviors

will

be

“pluses”

in

your

RPM3

A special note to those of you with pre-teens or teenagers4,5

Keep in mindthat even ifyou’re themostcareful monitor, your child mayhave friends andintereststhat you don’t understandor don’t approve of.You may notlikethe musicshelistens to,or theclothes hewears, orthegroup she“hangs out” with. Some of thesefeelings are a regular partof therelationship between children andadults. Beforeyou take away the musicorforbid yourchild to see that friend, ask yourselfthis question:

Is this (person, music, TVshow) a destructive _influence?

Inotherwords, isyour child hurtinganyone orbeing hurt bywhat heorshe isdoing, listeningto,wearing, orwhoheorshe is spending timewith? If theanswer is“no,” you maywant to think beforeyou act, perhapsgivingyour child someleeway. It’slikely that taking musicaway, notletting yourchild watch a certainshow, orbarring yourchild from spending timewitha friend willcreate a conflict between you andyour child. Makesure thatthe issue is important enoughto insistupon. Thinkabout whether youractions willhelp orhurt your relationship withyour child, orwhether your actionsare necessary foryour child to develophealthy attitudes and behaviors. You maydecide thatsetting a volumelimit forthe radio is betterthanhaving a fightaboutyour child’s choiceof music.

Beingyourchild’smentorcankeepyourchildfrom beinghurtbyencouraging himorherto actinreasonableways.Nowlet’sthinkaboutmentoring.

M

Mentoring

your

child

to

support

and

encourage

desired

behaviors

Whenyouweregrowingup,didyouhaveaspecialperson yourlife

whodidthingswithyou,gaveyou advice,orwasagoodlistener ?

Thispersonmayhavebeen arelative

orfriendofthefamilywho wasolderthan

you.Ifso,then youhadamentor. Sincetheearly1980s,formalmentoring

programsthatpairchildrenwithcaring

mentorshavebeenhighlysuccessful.

Mentoring,whetheraninformalrelationship oraformalprogram,hasafocusedgoal:

guidingchildrenthroughadolescenceso

theycanbecome happy,healthyadults.

Youmayknowthatallchildrenneed mentors,butdidyouknowthatparents

makegreatmentors?

Whatdoes it mean to be a mentor?

Amentorissomeonewho providessupport,guidance,friendship,and

respectto achild.

Soundsgreat.Butwhatdoesthatmean?

Beingamentorislikebeingacoachofasportsteam.Acaringcoach seesthestrengthsandweaknessesofeachplayer andtriestobuildthose strengthsandlessenthoseweaknesses.Inpractice,coachesstand back andwatchtheaction,givingadviceon whattheplayers shoulddonext, butknowingthattheplayers maketheir owngame-timedecisions.

Mentors

help

kids

reach

their

full

potential,

which

includes

mistakes

and

tears,

as

well

as

successes

RPM3

Coacheshonestlypointoutthingsthatcanbe donebetterand praise thingsthataredonewell.Coacheslistento theirplayers andearnplayers’ trust.Theygivetheirplayers aplaceto turnwhenthings gettough. Mentorsdothesamethings: developachild’sstrengths;shareachild’s

interests;offer adviceandsupport;givepraise;listen;be afriend.

Mentorshelpkidstoreachtheirfullpotential,whichincludesmistakes

andtears,aswellassuccessesand smiles.Mentorsknowthatsmallfailures

oftenprecedemajorsuccesses;knowing

thisfact,theyencouragekidstokeeptrying

becausethosesuccessesarerightaround

thecorner.

Whatcan I do to be a mentor?

There isnomagic wandthatturns

peopleintocaring mentors.Justspending

time withyourchildhelpsyoubecome

amentor.Youcan doordinarythingswith

yourchild,likegoinggroceryshopping

together;youcandospecialthingswith

yourchild,likegoingto amuseum or

aconcerttogether.Theimportantpartis

thatyou dothingstogether,whichincludes

communicatingwithone another.

Did

you

know...?

Kids whohave mentorsare less likely to takepart in risky behaviors.

Children whohave mentorsare 46 percent lesslikelyto useillegal drugs,27percentless likelytouse alcohol,and 52 percentlesslikelyto skipschoolthankidswho don’thavementors.Kids withmentorsalso report thattheyaremore confident oftheir school performance,morelikely togetalongwithothers, andless likelytohit someone.

–BigBrothersBigSisters ImpactStudy,1995

Youmaywantto keepthesethingsinmind asyouthinkaboutbeingamentor:

▪ Be honest aboutyour own strengths and weaknesses. Ifyou knowtheanswertoaquestion, sayso;ifyou don’t,sayso.To build atrusting,but real,relationshipwith yourchild,youonlyhave tobe human.Allhumansmakemistakes; youhave,and yourchild will,too. Yourchildcan benefitfromhearing aboutyourmistakes,including whatyouthoughtbeforeyoumade them,howyourthoughtschanged afteryoumade them,andhow

youchangedyourthoughtsorbehaviors toavoid theminthefuture.Achild whothinkshisorherparentisperfect buildsexpectationsthatparentscan’t possiblylive upto.

▪ Respect your child’s thoughts

and opinions withoutjudging them. Evenifyoudon’t agreewithyourchild, makeitclear thatyou wantto knowwhat hisorher thoughtsare,withoutthethreat of punishment.Ifyourchildis afraidof being punished,heorshemaystopsharing thingsentirely. Letdifferentpoints-of-view co-existforawhile;theywill allowyourchildto thinkmoreaboutan issue.Rememberthatthereis animportantdifferencebetween, “Idisagree withyou,”and“You’rewrong.”

Did

you

know...?

Yourapproval or disapprovalteaches your child about desirablebehavior.6,12

Parentsneed tobe carefulabouthowthey expressapprovalor disapproval.Parents whoareharshintheir disapprovalmayhurt theirchildren’sself-esteem; parentswhonever express disapprovalmayraise childrenwhocan’t deal withanycriticism.Tryto findabalancebetween expressionsofapproval anddisapproval.Be consistentinyourrewards andpunishments.

▪ Support your child’s interestsand strengths, butdon’t force things. Kidsspend theirchildhoodtrying to figure outwhotheyare,howtheworld works,andhowtheyfitintothatworld. Makesureyourchildhasenoughroom to explore.Ifyourchildhasnointerest inanactivity ortopic,don’tpush. Yourchildwill soonbeginto dreadthe “forcedactivity”and willfindwaysto getoutofdoing it.

▪ Introduce your child to thingsthat you liketo do.

Thisis ausefulway foryourchildto learn moreaboutyou.It’ssometimes hard forkidstopicture theirparentsdoing thingsthatotherpeopledo,likeplaying aninstrument,volunteeringat a

nursing home,watching movies,playing asport,orknowingaboutart.Ifyour childsees youdoing thesethings,you become moreofa“regularperson,”rather than“just aparent.”

Toread moreabouthowsomeparentsfit

mentoringintotheirdailyparenting activities,turntothesectionof thebooklet thatrelatestoyourchild’sage.Or,readon to learnaboutmodeling.

RPM3

Mentoringgiveskidsthesupport theyneedto becomethepeoplethey aremeantto be.Butwhataboutyou? Areyoutheperson youwanttobe? Takesometimeto thinkaboutbecomingabettermodelforyourchild.

Did

you

know...?

The feedback and advicethat parents give can guide children to make morepositive decisions.2

Bysupportingdesired behaviors,parentshelp theirchildrenbuild self-esteemand self-confidence.These traitsgivechildrenthe innerstrengththeyneed tomakebetter decisions whenfaced witha challenge.It’simportant forparentstokeep the linesofcommunication open,so thatvital adviceandfeedback getstotheir children.

M

Modeling

your

own

behavior

to

provide

a

consistent,positive

example

for

your

child

When I grow up, I want to be just like you.

Hasyourchildeversaidthisto you?

It’sabittersweetstatement foraparentto hear.On theone hand,it’s touchingto haveyourchildlook upto youinthisway;ontheother, beingarolemodelcomeswithgreatresponsibility.

Role modelscomeinallshapesandsizes; theydoall kindsofjobs; theycomefromany country orcity.Somechildrenview athletes astheirrolemodels;otherchildrenlookupto authorsorscientists.And,believeitor not, manychildrensee theirparentsasrolemodels. Alltoo often,parentingbehavior isguidedby adults reactingtotheir ownchildhoods;that is,manyparentsthink:I don’tever wantto be like myparents;oritwasgood enoughfor me,soit’sgoodenough formy kids.Rememberthatreactinginsteadof respondingpreventsyoufrom makingdecisionsthatcanchangethe outcomeofasituation.Tobeamoreeffective,consistent,active,and attentiveparent,it’sbest tofocusonyourchildrenand theirlives. Does thismean thatyouhavetobe perfectsoyourchildwill growup to beperfect,too?Ofcourse not.Nooneis perfect.But,you doneed to figureoutwhatkind ofexampleyou aresettingforyourchild.

Children

learn

as

much,

if

not

more

from

your

actions

as

they

do

from

You may want to be the kind of role model who does the following:

RPM3

▪ Do asyou sayand _{sayas youdo.}

Children wantto actliketheir role models,notjusttalklike them.Children learn asmuch,ifnotmorefromyour actionsastheydofromyourwords. Don’tjusttellyourchild tocall homeif heorsheis goingtobe late;makesure thatyou callhome whenyou knowyou’re goingto belate. Don’tjusttellyourchild not toshoutatyou;don’tshoutat yourchildor atothers.Thiskindof consistencyhelpsyourchildform reliable patterns oftherelationshipbetween attitudes andactions.

▪ Show respectforother people, including your child.

Formanychildren,thewordrespect is hardto understand.It’snotsomething they cantouchor feel,but it’sstilla very importantconcept.To helpyour child learnaboutrespect,you may wantto pointoutwhenyouarebeing respectful.Forinstance,whenyour child startstopickouthisorherown clothes,you canshowrespectfor those choices. Tellyourchild, “That wouldn’t havebeenmy choice,but I respectyourdecisiontowearthat plaid shirtwiththose stripedpants.”

Did

you

know...?

Childrenare

greatcopycats.1,3,14

Haveyoueversaid a cursewordinfront ofyourchild,onlytohear himor herrepeatingthat wordlater (usuallyat theworst possibletime)?

Kidsarehighly imitative, withbothwords and actions.Ifyouare aggressive,yourchild maycopyyoutobe aggressive,too.Ifyouare verysocial,yourchildwill probablybeverysocial, too.Makesureyouare astrong, consistent,and positiverolemodel,to fosterbetterbehaviors in yourchild.

-▪ Be honest withyour child about how youare feeling.

Adultsgetconfusedaboutemotionsallthe time,soit’sno surprisethatchildrenmight getconfused,too.Forinstance,youmight haveashorttemperafterareallystressfulday at work,but yourchildmightthinkyouare angrywithhimor her.Ifyou findyourself actingdifferently thanyou usuallydo,explain to yourchildthatheor sheisn’tto blame foryourchangein“typical”behavior;your childcan evenhelpyoubylighteningyour moodoralteringyourattitude. Youcan prevent alot ofhurtfeelingsand confusion bybeinghonestwithyourchildaboutyour ownemotions.

▪ Make sureyour child knows that being angrydoes not mean, “not loving.”

Disagreementsand argumentsareanormal partofmostrelationships.Butmanychildren can’tseparatelove fromanger;theyassume thatifyouyellat them,then youdon’tlove themanymore.Evenifyou thinkyour childhas asolidgrasp ofemotions,you maywanttobe specificaboutthispoint. Otherwise,youruntheriskofhaving yourchildthinkheorsheisnotlovedevery time youhaveadisagreement.Mostofall, be alertto changesinyourchild’semotions soyoucan“coach”yourchildthrough moments ofangerorsadnesswithout brushing-offtheemotionorignoring it.

Did

you

know...?

Howparents act in theirrelationships withone another has asignificant impact on child development.2

Regardlessofthe living arrangements,parents shouldconsidertheir childrenwhen dealingwith eachother. Yourchildsees howyouworkthrough everydayissuesand uses yourinteractionsasthe basisforhisor herown behaviorinrelationships. Thenexttimeyouinteract withyourspouse,ex spouse,orsignificantother, askyourselfwhether or notyouare providinga positiveexampleforyour child.Doyouwantyour child toactthe same wayyouareactingwith thatpersonor another person? Ifnot,youmay wanttoreconsideryour behavior.

▪ Pinpoint thingsthat youwouldn’t want your child’s role model to do, and makesure youaren’t doing them.

Forinstance,supposeyourchildviewsa sportsplayerashisorher rolemodel. Ifyoufoundoutthatplayerusedillegal drugs orwasverballyor physically abusivetoothers,wouldyoustillwant yourchildto lookuptothatperson? Probably not.Nowapplythatsame standardto yourownactions. Ifyoudon’t wantyourchildtosmoke,thenyou should notsmoke. Ifyouwantyourchildtobe ontime forschool,makesureyouareon time forworkand othermeetings. Ifyou don’t wantyourchildto usecursewords, then don’tusethosewordsinfront of yourchild.Reviewing yourownconduct means beinghonestwithyourself,about yourself. Youmayneedto makesome changesinhowyouact,but bothyouand yourchildwill benefitintheend.

RPM3

Did

you

know...?

Howyou feelaffects your child.6,9

Yourchild tunesintoyour thoughts,feelings, and attitudes.He orshecan sensehowyoufeelabout something,even ifyour wordssaythatyouare feelingsomethingdifferent. Soanegative reactionor outburstfrom yourchild maynotbe withoutreason. Itcouldbe yourchild’s wayoftellingyouhow

youfeel.

Now

what

should

I

do

_?

Nowthatyouknow aboutRPM3,it’stimetoputtheseideasinto action. Findthesectionthatmatchesyourchild’sageand readthroughitto see howparentslikeyou havebroughtRPM3into theirlives.Takesometime tothinkabouttheexamples,answer therelatedquestions,and make decisionsabouthowRPM3canfitinto yourstyleofparenting ona dailybasis.

0-3

Responding

to

your

child

in

an

appropriate

manner

YEARS

Theexamplebelowwillgiveyouabetterideaofwhatit meansto respondtoyourchildinanappropriatemanner.Asyou read,thinkabout thesequestions:

▪ Is the parent in the story reacting

or responding?

▪ Is her responseappropriate to the child’s age?

▪ Is her responseappropriate to the situation?

▪ How might you respond to your child

in the same situation?

Caroline

and

Abby

(Age

1

1

_/

₂

₎

7

What’s the Story?Abbyspendsthedayatadaycare centerwhile Carolineisatwork; Carolinedropsheroffat7:30a.m.andreturns forherat 5:30p.m. Whentheyget homeintheevening,Caroline getsdinnerready whileAbbysitsinherhighchair. CarolinekeepsthechairturnedsothatAbby isfacingherwhileshecooks,sothattheycanwatch,smileat,andtalkto eachother.

IttakesCaroline alittle longertomake dinnerbecausesheoftenstopsto play peek-a-booorbends downto talktoAbby ather eye-level. Theyhavetheir ownconversations,inwhichAbby“talks” andCaroline “answers.” IfAbbyis crankyor upset,Caroline usesthistimetocalm herdownand figureout why she’sbeingfussy.Caroline hasfoundmanywaystokeep Abbycalm asaresult ofthisdinnertimecontact, thatarealsohelpful whenthe twoare outofthe houserunningerrands.

CarolineSays:ThattimewithAbby,whileI’mcooking,is reallyimportant

tome.I canconnectwithher, getto knowherbetter. I lookforwardto it, evenaftera fulldayatwork.Ithashelped metolearnwhatshelikesand whatshedoesn’t.

What’s the Point?Carolineis rightabout theimportanceofher dinner-timecontactwithAbby. Researchshowsthat childrenneedto spendpositive, engaging,playful timewiththeirparentseachday.1 _{This“special”time} allowsparentsto bondwithchildren, tolearnwhatmakesthemsmile orlaugh,what kindsofnoisestheyrespond

to,howtheyrespond, andwhatfeelings theirtoddlers’“words” convey.Early andconsistentcommunicationbetween parentandchild isessentialtoforming attachments,aswellastobuilding betteremotional,intellectual,andsocial development. Setting asidethiskindof timeevery dayalso letskidslearn abouttheirparents. Theycantunein tofacialexpressions, bodylanguage,

andtone-of-voicetoknow theircaretakersbetter.

0

-3

YEARS

I would love to do this with my child, but...6 ... my child justwon’t sitstillthat long.

... I don’t havetime to cook,sowe eatout most ofthe time.

... my kitchen is too smallforeveryoneto fit.

... my child eats dinnerwith anothercaretaker.

... I sometimes workthe afternoonand evening shift

and am not always homefordinner.

... I haveto drive myother children to theirafter-school activities.

... I don’t gethome from workuntil late in the evening.

Inaperfectworld,youcouldspend allday,everydaywithyourchild,never missingamealoramomentoftogetherness.Intherealworld,however, thisis oftennotthecase.Regardless ofhowyoumanageit,you shouldtry tomaketimeforthiskindofinteraction withyourchildevery day.The specificsof where,how,orwhenyou spendtimewithyourchildaren’t as importantastheactualtime youspend withyourchild.

Ifyourchildwon’tsit inahighchairforverylong,putsometoys onthe floorandletyourchildplaythere whileyou’reinthekitchen.Ifyou’re drivinghereand there,talkto yourchildasyou drive,pointingoutthings yousee orsingingsongs.Ifyouseeyourchildinthemornings,getinto aroutine forgettingdressed togethersothatyou caninteractwithhim orher.Youcanalsoincludetheotherpeopleinyourfamilyinthistime together,sothatyourchildbecomes morecomfortableinthefamily setting.Theimportantpartisgetting toknowyourchildandletting your childgettoknowyou.

Preventing

risky

behaviors

or

problems

before

they

arise

Thenextstoryshowshowyoumightpreventproblemsbeforetheyarise. Asyouread,thinkaboutthesequestions:

▪ Are the parents active in their child’s life?

▪ Is the problem bigger than the parents can

handle alone?

▪ Should the parents seek outside help?

▪ Howmight you handle a similar situation with

your child?

Molly,

Ron,

and

Stefanie

(Age

4

weeks)

7

What’sthe Story? StefanieisMollyandRon’sfirstchild. BeforeStefanie was born,thecouple plannedforMollyto takethreemonthsofparentalleave fromher jobafterthebabywas born. Now,onlya fewweeksafterStefanie’s birth,Mollyishavingproblems

caringforthebaby.

RonSays: Mollyjust doesn’tseemto wantto be withStefanie.Thereare timeswhenIwalk inthe doorandhearStef wailingbecauseshe’s hungryorneedstobe changed; then Ifind thatMollyis sittinginthe nextroom crying,too.

0

-3

YEARS

Sometimessheforgetsto feedStef—howcanyouforget tofeed ababy?66I’m worriedthatStefanie isn’tgettingget theattentionsheneedsduringthe day. Imean,sometimesMollydoesn’tevenget dressedduringthe day.IwishIknew howtomake thingsbetterfor allofus.

MollySays: Iknowthat alot ofwomen dothemomthingeveryday, butI’m justnotasgood atitastheyare. Sometimes, it’slikenothing Idoisenough forher. I tryholding her,rocking her,feedingher,playingwith her,butshestill cries. Ican’tdoanythingright.

What’s the Point?Whileit’struethatmillionsofwomen “dothe mom thing”everyday,noneofthemwouldsayit’seasy.Being amother takesa lot ofgettingusedto;infact,beinga parenttakesa lotofgettingusedto.

Butitsounds likeMollyisgoing throughmorethan gettingusedtobeing anew mom. For nearly10percentofwomen whoarepregnantor givebirth,the weightofbeing anew momisdoubledby post-partumdepression, anillness thatresultsfromhormonalchangesrelated topregnancyandgivingbirth.15 Womenwithpost-partumdepressionneedmorehelp thantheirspouses or partnerscangive,morethantheycangive themselves,actually. Formany womenlikeMolly,professionaltreatmentfroma psychiatristorothermental healthprofessionalisthebestwaytobeattheso-called“babyblues.” Ifanyparent,nomatterwhat theirgenderis,finds ithardto relatewiththeir childina playful,positiveway,thentheyshouldseek outsidehelp immediately. Mollyand Ronmightwantto talktoher obstetricianabouthowtheyare feeling andhowthings aregoing. Thedoctor mayhavesome ideasthatcouldhelp, likehiring ababysitter afewdayseachweek,orhavingeachparenttake “alonetime”during theweek. Thedoctor mightalsorefer themtoa psychiatrist oranother mentalhealthprofessionalsotheycangethelp throughcounseling andmedication.

Havingababy changeseverypart ofparents’lives,includingtheirrelationship toeachother. Many times,one orbothparentshavea hardtimeadjustingto allthechanges. Parents shouldknow thattheiremotionalhealthhas abig impactontheirchild’semotional health. Gettinghelp rightawayis thebestway toensurethechild’s andtheparents’well-being.

Monitoring

your

child’s

contact

with

his

or

her

surroundings

Howcanyoube acarefulmonitor?Thisnextexamplemayhelpyoudecide. Asyouread,thinkaboutthesequestions:

▪ Is the parent being an active monitor?

▪ Is she being flexible?

▪ Does she know who the child is spending time with

or what the child is doing when she’s not there?

▪ How might you handle a similar situation with

your child?

Maria

and

Luis

(Age

9

Months)

What’sthe Story? Mariaistakingherson,Luis,to hisfirstmorning ofday care. Shesignedup withthecenterseveral monthsago,becauseithadthebest location,andvisited thecenteronce duringthelastmonth. Mariaknowsthat state lawrequires thatdaycarecentershaveathree-to-one ratioforchildren underone yearofage—thatis,onedaycarestaffpersonwillcare forherLuis and onlytwootherchildrenhis age. Shefeelsbetterknowinghewillgetmore personalizedcare throughouttheday. WhenMariacalls thecenterduringthe dayto seehowLuisisdoing,thestaffperson onlyreplieswith,“He’s fine.” Whenshepicksup Luisafterwork,thestaffperson doesn’tsayverymuchabout his dayandseems toshufflemother andchild outthedoor. Maria noticesthat Luis iskindofcrankyandwonderswhathis daywasreallylike.

Maria Says: It tookmealongtimeto decidewhetheror notIwasgoing to putLuisintodaycare. It’seven hardernowtoknow whetherI madetheright decision. It’sfrustratingnotknowingwhat isgoingoninmybaby’sday. How canI knowthathe’sbeing caredforwhenIcan’tbethere?

0

-3

YEARS

What’s the Point? Thebestwayto makesureLuisgetsthecare Maria wantshimtohaveisto knowasmuch aboutthedaycare centerandthe peoplewhoworkthereaspossible. Mariaisherson’sbestdefenseagainst poorcare,butonlyif sheisactively monitoringhissurroundings. Some daycarecentersprovideadaily diaryofeverychild’s day—whentheyfed

thebaby,whentheychangedthebaby,whoplayedwith thebaby,andwhat theyplayedwith. IfMariahadaskedmorequestionsaboutthe dailyroutine ofthecenterwhenshewentforher visit,shecould’vefoundout whetherthe centerofferedthattypeofreport. Ifsheknewthecenter didnotkeepa diaryforeachchild,shecouldhavemadeotherarrangementsforLuisat acenter thatdidofferthedailyreport.

Ifyoudecidetoplaceyour childintodaycare,learnasmuch asyoucan aboutthe centeranditsworkersbeforeyoutakeyourchild there. Decide

whatfeatures youmusthaveinadaycare center. Youmay wantyourchild toget alot ofone-on-oneattention;or you

maywantyour childto bearoundkidsthesameageso thatheorshecanbuildsocialskills. You maywant

areport ofwhat happenstoyour child throughoutthe day. Remember,though, thatmoreattentivecare oftencostsmorethan

thealternatives.

Onceyouknowwhat youwant,findaplace thatmeetsallyour needs. Visitthecenter beforesigninganypapersorgivinganymoney. Ifyou can,make oneortwounannounced visits to thecenter,sothatyou canseehowwellitruns on a normalday. Contactyour locallicensingagencyto makesurethecenterhas all ofthe requiredlicensesand permits;findoutif therehavebeenany

problemsreported forthecenteror itsemployees. Youcanalsoask theday care centerstafffor references,whichallowsyou tochecktheirworkhistories. Themoreworkyoudoupfront,themorepleasedyouwillbe withthecare yourchild receives.

Mentoring

your

child

to

support

and

encourage

desired

behaviors

Nowlook atthisexampleofparentsbeingmentors.Asyou read,think aboutthesequestions:

▪ Are these parents being thoughtful mentors?

▪ Are they being honest about themselves?

▪ Are they judging their child?

▪ Are the parents supporting the child’s interest or

forcing the child to develop one?

▪ Howmight you handle a similar situation with

your child?

LiMing,Yeung,

and

Chang

(Age 3)

4

What’sthe Story? Readingisa bigpart ofLiMing andYeung’s lives. Theybothenjoyreadinganddoitasoftenastheycan,usuallyreading atnightinsteadofwatchingTV. WhenChangwasborn,theyasked their healthcare provideraboutreadingto him. Whenshouldtheystartreading tohim? Whenwillhestarttoreadonhisown? What isthebestwayfor themtohelp himlearnto read? Now theytrytoreadtoChangevery night beforehegoes tosleep.

LiMing Says: Eversince Iwasyoung,I’ve alwayslikedto read. When YeungandI gottogether,readingwasone ofthe thingsweshared. Itseemed onlynaturalforustoextendour passionforreadingtoChang.

0

-3

YEARS

Yeung Says: IthinkChanglikesreading,too. Hehelps turnthepages, pointsto thepicturesherecognizes,and chatters. Heknowswhat isgoingto happennextand tellsmewhenI’ve skippedsomething. He’sbeginning to recognizetheletters andtheirsounds. Hehas his favoritebooksandwants tohearthemagainandagain.

What’s the Point? LiMingand Yeunghavegiven alot ofthoughtto being Chang’smentors. By readingtoChang, theyintroducedhimtooneoftheir interests. Theyencouragehimtochoose hisownstoriesand tointeract with themandwiththe bookwhilethey’rereading. As hegetsolder,Changwill knowthathis parentsreada greatdeal. Hemay decideto joinhisparentsin theirhobby.

Theymaynotknowit,butLiMing andYeung arealso helping

Changbuildhis readingskills. Studiesshow that,inthe US, morethan 50percentofchildren

are readto bya familymember every day.8 _{Inthese studies,} family readingisrelated tobetter

readingcomprehensionand greaterschoolsuccess. Readingtoyour childalso improveshis orher emergent literacy—theknowledge that

thewordsprintedinbookshave meaning. Oneofthekeyfactors inemergentliteracyisbeing ableto recognizeletters ofthe alphabet;other factorsincludeknowingthesounds oflettersatthebeginningand endofwords. Readingto yourchildimproves theseskills,whichcanimproveyour child’s chancesforschoolsuccess.

Modeling

your

own

behavior

to

provide

a

consistent,

positive

example

for

your

child

Takealookat thisexampleofaparentbeingamodel.Asyou read,think aboutthesequestions:

▪ Is this parent being a positive role model?

▪ Do his words and actions match?

▪ Is he being honest with himself about his own actions?

▪ How might you handle a similar situation with

your child?

Marco

and

Sabby (Age 2)

1,14

What’sthe Story? Marcocaresforhis sonSabbyontheweekends.Now that Sabbyiswalking andtalking,Marco hastowatch himmorecloselyso thathedoesn’tgetinto trouble.Afewweekendsago,Sabby stucka metal bookmarkintoanelectricaloutletthatMarco leavesuncoveredsothathecan pluginthecoffeemaker inthemorning. Sabbyblewout allthe fusesinthe house,butluckilywas nothurt. DespiteMarco’sscolding, Sabbystill goesnear theoutletwhenhegetsthechance.

MarcoSays: Idon’tknowwhyhekeepsdoingit. I’ve toldhim“no”;I’ve said “bad”;I’ve toldhimhecouldget reallyhurt. Buthestill goesoverto thatoutlet.

What’sthe Point?Sabbymaystill showinterest intheoutletbecause Marco’swordsdon’tmatchhisactions. Marco tellsSabby,“no”;butSabby seesMarco putthe coffeemaker plugintotheoutlet. Sabbydoesn’tknow thedifferencebetweentheplug that’ssupposedto gointhe outletandother metalobjectsthatshouldn’t.

0

-3

YEARS

WhileSabbyis atthisage,Marco needsto covertheoutletwith asafety coveranytimethe coffeemaker isnotpluggedin. ThenSabbywon’thavethe chancetoget intoit. WhenSabby isa littleolder (threeor so),Marcocan explainthedetailsofsafematerials, dangerousmaterials, andelectricaloutlets. Hecouldalso tellSabby thatonlygrownupsare allowedtotouchelectric outlets. It seemsasthoughMarco istryingto getthisacrossbysaying,“no” or “bad,”butheonly assumesthatSabbyknowswhat hemeans. Kids,especially youngchildren,willcopywhattheyseeeven iftheydon’tfullyunderstandit. Sabby’sactionisa dangerousbehavior thatcouldcausehimseriousharm. Marconeedsto takeimmediateactionto ensureSabby’s safety.

Responding

to

your

child

in

an

appropriate

manner

4-10

YEARS

Thestorybelowwill giveyou abetteridea ofwhatitmeansto respondto yourchildinan appropriatemanner.As youread,thinkaboutthesequestions:

▪ Is the parent in the story reacting or responding?

▪ Is his response appropriate to the child’s age?

▪ Is his response appropriate to the situation?

▪ How might you respond to your child in the same

situation?

Raj

and

Amira

(Age

8)

3

What’sthe Story? WhenRajdecidedto bea stay-at-homedad,his daughterwas three. He setup aroutine fortheirdays,sothatAmirawould alwaysknow whatwasgoingto happenandwhatwasexpectedofher. Whenshestartedkindergarten,Rajchangedtheroutine tofitinthe school-relatedactivities,suchasdoinghomework andreadingtogether.Nowthat Amira’seight,she’smoreinterestedindoingthings withher schoolmates andneighbors,such asplayingatherfriends’housesorgettinginvolvedin acommunitysports team.ButRaj willnotlether takepart intheseactivities becausehewantstokeepher onthe sameschedule.WhenRajsays“No”to Amira,sheisdisappointedandwithdrawsfromhim.

RajSays: Amirahasto getback onour schedule. It’s workedsowellall thistime. Shehas beenup until8:30p.m.every nightthisweek. Onceweget backontrack,thingswillbebetter.

4

-1

0

YEARS

What’s the Point? Rajis rightabout theneedforsolidroutinesand schedules,butheforgotabouttheneedto beflexible. Youngerchildrendo verywellwitha steadyschedule;itallows themtobecomerelaxedintheir worldsandlearnwhattheirworldsexpectfromthem.

But,schedulesalsoneedto adapttonormalchangesthatoccuras kidsget older. Amiraisjust startingtobuild friendships,akeyfeatureinnormal socialgrowth. By now,herregular bedtimeshouldprobablybe8:00p.m., or8:30p.m.,depending onhowmuch sleepsheneeds. As Amiramatures, she’llneed tobalanceschool, home,health,andher friends. Rajcanhelp hercreateand maintainthatbalance,if heshowsherwhatitmeansto be flexible.

Whenhestartedtheschedule,RajhadAmira’sbestinterestsinmind.With someminorchanges,Raj’s schedulecanco-existwith Amira’sgrowthina way thatsuitsthemboth.

Preventing

risky

behavior

or

problems

before

they

arise

Thenextexample showshowyou canpreventproblemsbeforetheyarise. Asyouread,askyourselfthesequestions:

▪ Is the parent active in the child’s life?

▪ Are the limits involved realistic?

▪ Are the limits being enforced consistently?

▪ How might you handle a similar situation with

your child?

Andre

and

Calvin

(Age

4)

1,4,10

What’sthe Story? Andrearrangedhis workschedulesothathecanspend alldaySaturdaywithhis son,Calvin, every week. AfterlunchontheirSaturdays together,AndreandCalvinspend timecleaningupCalvin’sroom. “What’s our goal?”AndreasksCalvin. “Notoysonthefloor.” Calvinanswers.

AndreletsCalvinplaywhiletheyclean,butwithincertainlimitssothatCalvin keepstheirgoalinsight. Andreuses aneggtimer toletCalvinknowwhen it’splaytimeandwhenit’stimeto cleanup. He setsitforshortintervals,like10 or 15minutes,sothatCalvincanplaya littleand thencleanup alittle. Calvin knowsthat whenhehears thebell,hehasto pickup atleastthreetoysandput themaway. Andresetsand re-setsthetimerinfront ofCalvinandleavesitin aplacewheretheycanbothseeit(andhearit). By theend oftheafternoon, allofCalvin’stoysarepickedupoffthefloor.

4

-1

0

YEARS

AndreSays: Calvinneedstolearnabout goalsand limitssoheunderstands moderation.I usethetimer becausehecansee,hear,and touchit. Eventhough I’mtheonesettingthe timelimit,thetimer“enforces”it. Thiskeepshimfrom gettingupsetwithme.

What’s the Point?

Settinggoalsandlimits foryourchild isoneway heorshecanlearnabout boundaries. Achild Calvin’sagehas aneasier timelearningabout agoal whenit’ssomething heor shecansee,soit’sclear whenthejobisfinished. Andre’schoiceoflimit (playingversuscleaning) isalsorealistic; Calvinis capableofpickingup allthe toysfromthefloor. Thetimeroffersa constant before-and-afterwayfor Usingthetimer isagood idea,especially whendealingwith achild asyoung asCalvin. It isa dependablewayforAndretoenforcethe limits. Because Andreusessimilartimes, like10minutes orfiveminutes,Calvingetsusedto the practice. And,thebell alwaysrings,whichprovidesmoreorderforCalvin. Calvintoknowwhenhe’sreachedthelimit. Beforethebellgoesoff, thiswill happen;afterthebell rings,that willhappen. Thechild learnsthatafter thebell, aftermomcountstothree,orafterdad countsto 10,somethinghappens. If thechild reachesthegoal,thenpraiseandkindnessfollow;if not,some typeof outcomeforgoingbeyondthe limitfollows,be ita scolding,a punishment,or anotherresponseappropriatetothe situation.

Monitoring

your

child’s

contact

with

his

or

her

surroundings

Howcanyoube acarefulmonitor?Thisnextexample mayhelp you decide.Asyou read,thinkaboutthesequestions:

▪ Is the caretaker being an active monitor?

▪ Is it clear why a value or behavior is desirable

or undesirable?

▪ Is the caretaker being flexible?

▪ Is the child’s behavior destructive?

▪ How might you handle a similar situation with

your child?

Keisha

and Tyrell

(Age 7)

1, 11

What’sthe Story? Keisha,whois 20,hasbeen takingcareofher brother Tyrell sincetheirmother diedlastyear. Shelets Tyrellwatch TVwhileshegets dinner ready;afterdinner,theTVgoes off. Keishausuallyheads tothekitchen to startdinneraftershewatchesthefirstfewminutesofa showwith Tyrell. Lately,though,she’snoticed achange inthekindofshowsTyrellwatches. Insteadofhis regularprograms,Tyrellnowwatchesa showthatKeishahasn’t seenbefore.Oneevening, sheasksTyrell howheknowsabouttheshow. He explainsthatheheard aboutitatschool.

KeishaSays: Ididn’t seeverymuchofitatfirst,butitdidn’tseemlikethe kindofshow aseven-year-old wouldwatch. Itwasn’ta cartoon;itdidn’t have anypuppetsor animals. So, Iaskedhimnottowatch ituntilIhada chance toseethewhole show. Itoldhimhecouldeither watchoneofthe showsIhad alreadyseen,orhecouldturntheTV offand play. Hewent offtoplayby

4

-1

0

YEARS

himself. It’s agood thing, too,because the nextdayI watched thatshow— I couldn’tbelieveit! Almost everyline had somethingabout fighting andgetting even. Therewasa lot oftalkabout sex,too. I knowTyrellwillbe exposedtoviolencein the realworld,but I don’twant himto startactinglikethe characters onthat show. I don’twant himto beignorantaboutsex,either,butIwant tobethe onetoteachhimaboutit. He issimplynotallowedto watchthatshow.

What’s the Point? Keishahandledthiscaselikea seasonedmonitor. First,shewatched thefirstfewminutesofTVwith Tyrell,toseewhathe was watching. Shealso paidattentiontothekindofshowsthatTyrell usually watched,whichmadeiteasierforherto noticeachange. After shesaw thechange,sheasked Tyrellhowheheardaboutthe newshow. And,she watchedthe show,tomake surethat itwas okayforTyrellto watch.

Asitturnedout,theshow wasn’t somethingshewantedTyrellto see,soheis nolongerallowedtowatchit.

To reallymakeherpointclear,Keishamightwant totalkto Tyrellaboutwhyshe doesn’twanthimto watchtheshow. It maynotseemimportantforKeisha to explainherreasonsnowbecauseTyrell issoyoung,butit’sa goodhabitforher toget intoforwhenhegetsolder. Itmayalso helpTyrellto makebetter choices aboutthe showshewatchesinthefuture.

Findingsomeviewing alternativesfor Tyrellwouldalsohelp Keishamakeher point. Keishacanrentvideotaped moviesforTyrellwith messagesthatshefeels are positive. Manyoftheprograms onpublictelevisionstationsare alsosmart choices, althoughmanyareaimedatkids alittle youngerthanTyrell.

GivinghimtheoptionofnotwatchingTVatallisalso effective. Oftentimes, kids aren’treallyinterestedinwatchingTV,buttheycan’tthinkofanythingelse to do. Simplytellingthemto turnofftheTVanddosomethingelsecanbe a sourceforarguments. Offering a choicebetweenwatchingTVanddoing something yourchild usuallyenjoysallows yourchild tomake hisor herown decision. In manycases,yourchild willoptforplayingorcoloring. Your child willappreciateyoursuggestionand yoursupport ofhisor herabilityto make decisions.

4

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0

YEARS

Mentoring

your

child

to

support

and

encourage

desired

behaviors

Nowcheck outthisexample ofparentsbeing mentors.Asyouread, thinkaboutthesequestions:

▪ Is the parent being a thoughtful mentor?

▪ Is she being honest with herself?

▪ Is she judging her child?

▪ Is the parent developing the child’s interest or forcing

the child to develop an interest?

▪ How might you handle a similar situation with

your child?

Irit and Ari (Age 9)

What’s the Story? Ariis averyoutgoing boy,whojoinsmanyclubsand groupsatonce. Atschool, hesignsup forscoutingtroops,sports teams,music lessons;anythingthathehasn’t triedisinterestingtohim. Asa result,Ari leavesalot ofthingsunfinished,droppingout ofonethingto pursueanother. AlthoughIritencouragesherson totrynewthings, sheis worriedabouthim tryingtoomanythings atonce.

IritSays: He doesn’tstayfocusedonanyonethinglong enoughtoknow ifhelikesit. Hemaybe agiftedartist,or agracefulathlete,ora naturalleader. Butheneverstayswithone thinglongenoughtoreally learnitandgrow init. I’mgladhehas somanyinterests, buthedoesn’tseemtoknow whento stop.

What’sthe Point? Ashis mentor,Iritshouldbehonest withAriabout her concerns. Sheisproud ofallthethings Aridoes,butshethinks heshouldtryto expandone ortwoofthoseinterests. Iritmay wanttoset somerulesto limit the numberofclubs andsportsAri candoovera giventime. Aricandecide for himselfwhichthing(orthings)hewantsto pursue. Iritmay wanttoget involved insomeofthese thingsaswell,bybeing ascout leaderorbringing snacksto gamesandpractices.

Ari alsoneedstolearnthatfinishing thingsis justasimportant astryingnew things. Here,again,Irit cansetup somerulesforAri. Forinstance,Iritcould limit thelessonsorhobbies thatcostmoney. IfAri choosestotakeadanceclass that costsmoney andlastsforsixweeks,then hehasto attendallsixweeks ofthe danceclass,even ifhelosesinterestafterthe firstweek. Or, shemay limit himto onlyone activitythatcarriesacost foracertaintime.Becausemost hobbiescarrysome cost,Arican’t

doasmanythings at once. He then hasto focusononly afewthings ata time.

It’salsoessentialthatIrit explainheractionsto Ari. Ifshelimitshishobbies withouttelling himwhy, Ari maythinkthathismother doesn’twanthimtodo anythingor haveanyfun. Showingsupportis oneof themainjobsofamentor.

Byexplainingher decision,Iritcanshow hersupportwhilekeeping thingsunder control. She shouldalso makeitclearto Arithathedoesn’t havetobean expertateverything. Iritcangive examplesofthingsshestartedbuteventually stoppedbecausesheeither lostinterestinthem,orthey weren’tasrewardingas otheractivities. Arineedsto knowthatit’sacceptableto dothings becauseyou wantto,evenifyou aren’tthebestatthem.

4

-1

0

YEARS

Modeling

your

own

behavior

to

provide

a

consistent,

positive

example

for

your

child

Takealook atthisexampleofparentsasmodels.Asyouread,consider thesequestions:

▪ Are these parents being positive role models?

▪ Do the parents’ words and actions match?

▪ Are the parents being respectful of others?

Of their children?

▪ Are these parents being honest with themselves

about their own actions?

▪ How might you handle a similar situation with

your child?

Andy,

Kristi,

Pat,

and

Jason

(Age 7)

2,3,4

What’s the Story? Kristiand Andysplitupnearly fiveyearsago,when theirsonJasonwastwo. Andyhasremarried,andKristi andJasonhavebeen livingwith Patforthe lastthreeyears. Andy triestobeveryactive inhisson’s life,whichisa sourceofconflictforKristi. Shecan’tletgoofheranger towardAndy andmakessourcommentsabout himinfront ofJason. When Andycomes topick uphis son,Kristiusually startsanargumentwith him, aboutchildsupport orthe timingofvisits. PattriestobufferKristi’s anger,but feelsthather attitudeisbad forallofthem,especiallyJason.

PatSays: I’mnotsayingthatsheshouldforgiveandforgether timewith Andy. Butattheveryleastsheshouldcurbher angerwhenJason’saround. Thepoorkidisstuck inthemiddle. Jasonloveshis momandhis dad;heshould lovebothhis parents. I tryto stayout ofitmostofthetime,becauseit’san

issuethatisbestkeptbetweenKristi andAndy,butherattitudefillsour home with suchnegativitythatIsometimes havetochange thesubjectforJason’ssake. Andformyownsake.

KristiSays: Noonereally knowswhatAndyis like,exceptme. He’sthe one wholeftmewitha toddlerandnomeansofsupport,withoutasecond thought. PathasnoideawhatIwent through. I’mjust gettingJasonready forthehurtanddisappointmentthathis fatheris sureto bring. It’s onlya matter oftime beforehe leavesJason,too. Patjustdoesn’t know.

AndySays: Kristiis out-of-control. I thoughtshehadfinallymovedonwhen shemovedinwithPat, butI guessnot. YoucanseehowupsetJasongetswhen shestarts sayingthosethings;it’swritten alloverhisface. Icantellitmakes Patuncomfortable, too. I’vetriedtomake itclearthatarguinginfrontofJason isnotacceptabletome. ButKristi neverstops. EventhoughItryto explain toJasonthathis momandmyargumentsaren’this fault,Iknowhe’shurt bythe wholesituation.

What’sthe Point? It’shard foranychild tohearawful thingsabouthis or herparentdayafterday;it’sevenworsewhentheotherparentisthe one sayingthoseawfulthings. Jasonis lefthavingtochoose betweenhis mother andhisfather. It’sanawful positionforachild tobeplaced in.

Despiteher claimsthatsheistrying toprepareJasonfordisappointment, Kristi’sactions aremorehurtfultohimthanhelpful. Itmakes sensethatshewants toprotectJason,buther actionsfocusonprotecting herself. She needsto see thatthingsare nolongerabout herandAndy,butthatJasoniswhat’smost important. Jasonneedsto beallowedtodevelophis ownrelationshipwith each parent,one thatdoesn’tinvolvetheother. Hewillmakehis owndecisionsabout hisfather andmotherand howactivehewantsthemto beinhislifeashegets older. Kristi’s actionsmayforceJasonto limithistime withherlater inhislife.

4

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YEARS

Andy’spointaboutnotarguinginfrontofJasonisalso important. Again, theissue isbetweenKristi andAndy; Jasonshouldnotbeinvolved,evenas abystander. It’s painfulandconfusing forchildrentoheartheirparentsargue. Theyoften blamethemselvesfortheirparents’wordsandactions,thinking thatiftheybehaved betterordid betterinschool,then theirparentswould getalong. BothAndy andKristi needtoreassure Jasonthattheirfightingis

nothis fault. IfKristi is unableor unwilling to helpAndyconvey thistoJason,maybe Andy canenlist Pat’shelp. Regardless ofwhoreinforces theidea,it’svitalfor Jasonto know thathis parents haveproblems with eachother,

11

-14

YEARS

Responding

to

your

child

in

an

appropriate

manner

Theexamplebelowwillgiveyouabetteridea ofwhatitmeans to respond toyourchildinanappropriatemanner.Asyou read,think aboutthesequestions:

▪ Are the parents in the story reacting

or responding?

▪ Is their response appropriate to the child’s age?

▪ Is their response appropriate to the situation?

▪ How might you respond to your child in the same

situation?

Nancy, Akira, and

Koji (Age 11)

4,6

What’sthe Story? Kojiis anactive, bright,11-year-oldboy. He plays soccer inthearealeague, likescomputergames,and sleepsoverathis friends’ houses. Healso “hates”anythingrelated toschool, especially homework,and goesoutofhis wayto avoidall thingslinkedto school. His parents,Nancy andAkira,knowthatKojiisavoiding hishomework andoften punishhimtotryto changehis attitudeand behavior. Theresultis adailybattle.

Nancy Says: We’ve triedeverything. Wetellhim, “Doyour homework ornoTV.” Or, “Doyourhomeworkor youcan’tgotoyourfriend’shouse.” We’ve senthimtohis room,takenawayhis games,even senthimto tutors.

Nothingworks.

₁₁

-1

4

YEARS

AkiraSays: He justdoesn’tunderstandtheimportanceofgood studyhabits. Ifhedevelopsgood studyhabitsnow,whilehe’syoung,he’llhaveaneasier timeintheolder grades. Idon’tknowwhyhedoesn’tseethat. Hedoesn’t have anydiscipline.

What’s the Point? Kojimightnotbeable toseehis parents’point-of-view becausetheyhaven’ttoldhimwhytheywant himtodohishomework. To them, thereasonsareclear: theywantKojitobuild goodstudyhabits nowsothat hewilldowellinhighschool. Even morethanthat,theywantto instillasense ofdisciplineinKoji,sothathe learnshowtostartandfinish things. ForNancy andAkira,theseideasdon’tneedtobe explained.

ForKoji,discipline andstudyhabits arejustwordshis parentsusewhenthey talkaboutschool. Butheprobablydoesn’treallyknow whatthesewordsmean. Hisparentsneedtoexplainthese thingsina waythat makesthemmore concreteor realforKoji. Also,becauseheonly11, Kojidoesn’tthinkinterms ofhisfuture. Hecan’tseehowthethings hedoesnowaffectthethingshe’lldo whenhe’s 20. (Infact,hethinks 20is old!) Kojican’tyetseehimselfinthe future,beyondtheidea thathisbodywillget bigger. Hisparentsneedto help himtoenvisionhispossible futureselvessothatherecognizesthe linkbetween presentactionandfutureconsequence.

AnotherthingKoji’sparentsshouldthinkabout ishis “history”withschool. Has Kojialwaysdisliked schoolor isthisarecentchange inhis attitude? Howare hisgradesnowascomparedto hisgradesinthe past? How arehisfriends doinginschool? Hastherebeena changeintheirattitudesaswell? Kojicould beslightlymoreadvancedthansome ofhisclassmates; ifthat’sthecase, he mightbebored. Ortheoppositemaybe true;Kojimay befrustratedbecause hedoesn’tunderstandwhat he’stryingtolearn, somaybehe’sjust givingup. IfKoji’sfriends areshowingsomeofthe samechangesinbehavior andattitude, maybethefriends areinfluencingeachotherinto notliking school. Nancyand AkirashouldtalktoKoji’steachersandto hisfriends’ parentstotrytofigure outwhenhischange inattitudestartedand whatwashappeningaroundhim atthattime.

NancyandAkira mayalsowant tobuildfamily “homeworktime”intotheir nightlyroutine. By settingasidetime forKojitodohomework,whileone orboth ofhisparentsareintheroom readingor doingsomeothertypeofwork,Nancy andAkiracanhelp Kojiturnanidealikedisciplineintoanaction.

It’smuch easierforchildrento knowwhatyou’redoing iftheyknowwhyyou’re doingit. Explainingyour reasonsfordoingor notdoingthings getsacross yourvaluesmoreeffectivelyby showingthose valuesinaction. Ifyousupport youractions withreasons,youalsogive yourchild hisor herbestexample ofhowto makeaninformedchoice. Thispracticealsobringsmoreorderinto yourchild’s world,by showingastartingpoint(yourvalue/reason) andan endpoint(youraction/choice)foranevent.

11

-1

4

YEARS

AnnaSays: I think I know what he’s doing. Ignacio and I are a physical couple. We sometimes tease and wrestle as a way of showing our fondness for each other. In fact, Ignacio has told Tomás that we are “just goofing around” a number of times. Maybe Tomás is starting to notice girls and being physical is how he’s showing it.

IgnacioSays: That’s silly! Tomás knows that he shouldn’t be pushing or hitting the girls. His mother and I tease each other, but it is never as physical as pushing or hitting. Tomás must’ve gotten this from TV. I think we should punish him by not letting him watch TV for a while. That’ll stop this nonsense.

What’s the Point? Even though Anna and Ignacio know the context of their playful contact with one another, Tomás does not. Ignacio knows that his and Anna’s actions are the result of many years together, their respect for each other, and their love; in his mind, these facts should be clear to Tomás. But Tomás is only 11 and love and respect are only words to him. Tomás is not aware of the time and work that Anna

and Ignacio have put into their relationship; he only sees the end result. Tomás thinks that all men and women are playful with each other because that is what he sees every day; if he “likes” a girl he should be playful with her, too.

Tomás also has a limited knowledge of his own body. He grows and changes

every day, so he may not know his own strength. What he sees as “goofing around” may actually hurt someone else. Ignacio and Anna’s actions never go far enough to hurt, Tomás doesn’t have that kind of control over his body yet. He doesn’t know when to stop.

11

-1

4

YEARS

Anna and Ignacio need to discuss how they want to handle this situation and find a compromise. Anna may have a point about Tomás and his possible new interest in girls; Ignacio could be correct about the types of TV shows that Tomás is watching. It could be that their son’s actions result from a combination of things. By talking over their thoughts and opinions, Anna and Ignacio can come up with a plan of action that is acceptable to both of them.

Ignacio and Anna need to explain to Tomás that how they act with each other is special. It’s different from how Tomás should act with other people. They may want to tell Tomás that he shouldn’t touch any of the kids in his class for a little while, even if he thinks he is just being playful. These limits will allow Tomás to learn some level of control for his own body. He will also learn what actions are proper, when, and with whom. The process of developing self-control or regulating one’s own social behavior is a slow process. In addition to having patience with their son, Anna and Ignacio also need to model more appropriate behaviors for Tomás to learn and adopt in his daily life. These behaviors may include keeping their relationship more private, until Tomás is older and can understand it better.

Remember...

Byincluding theRPM3guidelinesinyourday-to-dayparenting activities,youcanbecome amoresuccessfulparent.RPM3means:

▪ Responding toyour child in an appropriate manner

▪ Preventing risky behavioror problems beforethey arise

▪ Monitoringyour child’s contact with his orher surroundings

▪ Mentoringyour child to support and encourage desiredbehaviors

▪ Modeling your ownbehavior to provide aconsistent, positiveexample foryour child

Beingamoreeffective,consistent,active,andattentiveparent isachoicethatonlyyou canmake.Enjoy youradventure! 60

References

1. L.Alan Sroufe,Ph.D.,Professor,InstituteofChildDevelopment, UniversityofMinnesota.

2. E.MarkCummings,Ph.D.,Professor,Childrenand Families

DevelopmentalPsychopathology,DepartmentofPsychology,University ofNotreDame.From:Cummings,Davies,&Campbell(InPress). DevelopmentalPsychopathology andFamily Process.NY:Guilford

Publications,Inc.;andCummings,Goeky-Morey,&Graham (InPress). “Interparentalrelations asadimensionofparenting.”Bristol-Power,

Borkowski,&LandesmanRamey (Eds.).Parenting andthechild’sworld: Multipleinfluencesonintellectualandsocio-emotional development.Hillsdale, NJ:Erlbaum.

3. KristenMoore,Ph.D.,Executive Director,andTamaraHalle,Child Trends,Inc.,WashingtonD.C.

4. John Borkowski,Ph.D., AndrewJ.McKenna FamilyChairandProfessor ofPsychology,Departmentof Psychology,UniversityofNotreDame. 5. Sharon LadesmanRamey,Ph.D.,Directorand Professor,Civitan

InternationalResearchCenter,UniversityofAlabama.

6. LaraineM.Glidden,Ph.D.,DivisionofHumanDevelopment,St.Mary’s CollegeofMaryland.

7. GeraldineDawson,Ph.D.,ProfessorofPsychology,Department ofPsychologyandCenter onHumanDevelopmentand Disability, UniversityofWashington,Seattle.

8. FederalInteragencyForumonChildand FamilyStatistics,America’s Children:KeyNationalIndicatorsofWell-Being,2000. FederalInteragency Forumon ChildandFamily Statistics,Washington,D.C.:U.S.

GovernmentPrintingOffice.

9. CohnandTronick,ChildDevelopment,1983.

10. Rubin,Stewart,and Chen.HandbookofParenting,Volume1,1995. 11. DorrandRabin,Handbookof Parenting,Volume4,1995.

12.Edwards,Handbookof Parenting,Volume1,1995. 13. StevensonandLee,SRCDMonographs,1990.

Acknowledgements

TheNICHDwouldlike tothanktheRobertWoodJohnson Foundationforitscontributionsto theconference Parentingandthe Child’sWorld:MultipleInfluenceson IntellectualandSocio-economic Development,whichprovidedtheimpetusforthispublication,and itscontinuedsupportforthiseffort.TheNICHDwouldalsoliketo thanktheNIHOfficeof BehavioralandSocialScienceResearch foritssupport ofthispublication.

Theauthorwouldlike tothankJohnBorkowski,PhD,Marie Bristol-Power,PhD,DanaBynum,andSharon Landesman-Ramey, PhD,fortheirdedicationand assistanceincreating thispublication, andLaraineM.Glidden,PhD,forher keenreview ofthematerial. Inaddition,theauthorgivesaspecialnod ofthankstothestaffof thePublic InformationandCommunicationsBranchoftheNICHD fortheir patienceandcarefulreviews ofthematerialpresentedin thispublication.

Inaddition,theauthorsendsherdeepestthankstoMargaret Georgiannforher creativity,designexpertise,andpatiencein completingthisbooklet.

Dear Fellow Parent,

As parents, we have the most important job in the world. There is nothing we do in our lifetimes that is more significant than how we raise our children. It’s a challenging, full-time job that lasts throughout our lives, no matter how old our children get. While parenting presents us with struggles and trials, it also offers us many rewards. Those rewards, too, can last through our lives.

This booklet addresses certain struggles and trials of parenting and highlights some of its many rewards. The information is based on decades of research on parenting, as well as the experiences of actual parents and experts in parenting. The booklet is designed for parents of every background, from first-time parents to grandparents, so that any one who interacts with children can benefit from this valuable information. Parenting is not only vital to our present, but also to our future, as our children themselves become parents. Raising children is an adventure, full of surprises and changes. I hope that this information helps you to shape your own parenting practices and beliefs, as you embark on your own parenting adventure.

Sincerely yours,

Duane Alexander, MD Director

Eunice Kennedy ShriverNational Institute of Child Health and Human Development

For more information...

TheEuniceKennedyShriverNationalInstituteofChildHealthand

HumanDevelopment(NICHD),partoftheNationalInstitutesof

Health,conductsandsupports researchontopicsrelatedtothehealth

ofchildren,adults,andfamilies.OneimportantpartoftheNICHD’s

missionisto informthepublicaboutitsresearchandresearchfindings.

TheNICHDInformationResourceCenteris yourone-stopsource

forNICHDinformationontopics likeparenting,earlychildcare,

nutrition,pregnancy,andotherhealthtopics.Theinformation

specialistsat theNICHDInformationResourceCenter canassist

youinorderingfreebrochures,booklets,factsheets,researchreports,

andotherpublications.TheNICHDInformation ResourceCenter

staffcanalso helpyoufindhealth-relatedinformationfromsources

outsidetheNICHD.

You can contact the NICHD Information Resource Center at:

Phone:_{1-800-370-2943(TTY:1-888-320-6942)}

Mail: _{P.O.Box 3006,Rockville,MD20847}

Fax:_{1-866-760-5947}

E-mail: _{NICHDInformationResourceCenter@mail.nih.gov}

How

and

Can Help

You Be a

Successful

Parent

A d v e n tu re s in P a re n tin g : H o w R e sp o n d in g , P re v e n tin g , M o n ito rin g , M e n to rin g , a n d M o d e lin g C a n H e lp Y o u B e a S u cc e ss fu l P a re n t

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services National Institutes of Health

Eunice Kennedy ShriverNational

Institute of Child Health and Human Development

NIHPub.No.00-4842