Mother as the Power and the growth of the Womb Envy

with Liam’s growth.

D. Mother as the Power and the growth of the Womb Envy

The start of the absence of the mother occurred during Liam’s phallic development; however the process seems to have not ended until Liam was eighteen years old and decided to move out of the house. As been familiarizing, that Mrs. ONeil is often being nonchalance to Liam. Taking one example at Liam’s 18 th birthday. It was the first showing for Liam of how and who she is. “Her outfit was new—a short jeans skirt and yellow sweater set. She’d chosen the brown curly wig… she sings softly ‘Happy birthday to me…’”. Peters 2004, 221. Liam appeared in the dining room that morning wearing a girl’s outfit and admitted he was a transgender person in front of his family. Liam then added “I’d like to change my name to Luna, with your blessing to father. And yours blessing, Mom.” Peters 2004, 221. The reaction given by his Dad to thus event was natural. He was frightened and angry at the same time, with partial denial that this was a birthday joke. Mother, on the other hand, acted like she was not part of the room and as if she were not witnessing the scene: “In response, Mom murmured to herself, ‘Food poisoning? Am I liable for that?’”. It was clearly bizarre for a mother to act in that manner. Not just for this once, Mrs. ONeil showing no attention to her child. According to Jasmin Cori 40 , one of the attributes of a healthy mother is mother as a first responder. For a situation as serious as this, where a kid affirms a huge decision, the mother’s presence to give response no matter what it is, is completely essential. And Liam never had that response. This situation not merely happens on one occasion or two, but is continuous. In the course of the middle of the discussion, it seems that the mother has always given negative responses to Liam. One would think that in response to his mother’s treatment Liam should dislike his mother. In fact, he keeps idolizing her. “Mom’s smart, in case you hadn’t noticed. She has a brain. She could’ve accomplished something if she’d finished college, chosen a career path instead of full time motherhood. I think she feels her talents are wasted on perfecting the art of homemaking.” “She only wants to be fulfilled. As a whole person. She wants her life to count.” “Mom is reshaping her destiny. Or trying to. We should all be given that opportunity.” Peters 2004, 59-60. Those random excerpts show the defense of Liam’s mother when there are attacks on her and her idolization by Liam. There are two main reasons for this matter: “1. Children who have been rejected by their parents tend to form strong identification with them in the hope of regaining their love. 2. One may also identify with a person out of fear. The child identifies with the prohibitions in order to avoid punishment. This kind of identification is the basis for the formation of the super ego.” 41 40 See chapter two for the concept of absent mother. 41 Calvin S. Hall, et. al. Theories of Personalities—4 th edition, John Wiley Sons. Inc. :1998, p. 48 It is said that a child tends to form a strong identification with a parent who is rejecting himher in hope of getting the love back. Clearly, relating to the situation of unfinished Oedipus complex that happens to Liam, this theory was coherent with the evidence that Mrs. O’Neil is rejecting him: When Liam was 12, there was a fight between the parental units. Father was still a busy Sears’s employee. “I’m always here at the same time every day making lunches. That’s all I ever do.” Peters 2004, 138. At that time Liam’s mother was upset since she felt that nobody appreciated her effort in preparing the lunch. Her husband was going to have lunch with the clients. “Regan doesn’t have school today, Mom,” Liam says nicely. “But I’ll take her lunch. I’ll take Dad’s too. I get pretty hungry during the day.” Peters 2004, 138. Here Liam acts as if he is sacrificing himself to soothe his mother. This good-intention action is in fact a pure effort of getting the love back from the mother as the process of the modification of Oedipus complex is in progress. In response to that answer, ironically Liam’s mother shouted: “So, what? I don’t pack you enough to eat?” Peters 2004, 138. This response is a rhetorical question that toned harsh. At this moment, Liam’s mother has taken her absence of being mother to the next level: the mother that rejects. The fight continued intensely. “…You don’t even know what I do all day. You can’t even appreciate the drudgery of cooking and cleaning and catering to you and the kids. It’s mindless. It’s stifling.” Mom charges out of the kitchen. I think she’s going to hit dad, but instead, she stops and grabs Liam’s picture off the buffet. She smashes it to the floor and the glass shatters. “I’ve had it with you. I’ve had it with you and these kids and my life. It isn’t enough. I keep telling you that, but you won’t listen. I’m dying inside. I just want out” Peters 2004, 138 The iconic framed picture of Liam symbolizes the actual person of Liam. When Mrs. O’Neil threw it, a new concept is formed in Liam’s mind: his presence is unwanted. He was thrown. He was a burden to his Mother’s longing for freedom—as his mother explicitly said that “I’ve had it with you and these kids and my life… I’m dying inside. I just want out” Peters 2004, 138. And he has to agree with that because he is searching for her lost love. Later after that, each time there’s a new picture of Liam; he personally will take and throw it away as his agreement. This argument then brings us to another identification formation. The writer analyze that this agreement is one of the constructions of the fear that Liam feels toward his mother. Considering that a boy can also identify with parents because of fear of them, as Hall 1998 stated: “One may also identify with a person out of fear…” Fear derives from the sense of power, and the power is a basic element of a law. What the writer explores here is that Liam’s mother has stated her position as the law in Liam’s life. As one example, here is the occurrence that supports the perception: Liam’s mother was in a department store with her children. She gave Liam the responsibility of watching his sister Regan. Unpredictably a guy came in and takes kidnaps Regan with him, “Liam’s yelling and kicking this man and I Regan am falling and someone is lifting me up and Liam’s hugging me hard and I’m crying and he’s saying, “It’s okay, Re. I’ve got you now. It’s okay.” Mom lunges off the escalator and yanks me out of Liam’s arms. She hoists me up and clutches me to her chest. She yells at Liam, “Why did you let her out of your sight? I can’t trust you for a minute”Peters 2004, 127 What the writer perceives in this scene is again an ironic, whereas this is another of Liam’s frustrations and the formation of his superego. This action of kicking and yelling at the man is a natural reaction that is done by a boy in protecting. However, the mother disagrees with this act. Instead of justifying her son’s deed, she calls it his mistake. For a boy who has thrown to manhood turf, Liam was crying and bewildered. This situation then will stay in Liam’s mind as the rule of how he has to behave; this is what we call the formation of superego. In other words his Mom has just planted the idea in his head that: he has not to be active, and being active 42 is an attribute of masculinity. Thus, halting the normal sex-typing process where parent should “…reward-sex appropriate responses and discourage inappropriate ones.” 43 Since he was made to know that his action was wrong, this is the moment when Liam sees that his mother is powerful, he sees that the mother is the rule to be followed; therefore, she is the law. A boy will identify with a parent because he fears them Hall and Lindsey: 1993; moreover, she now has the characteristic that 42 ‘active’ has been mentioned as ‘physical aggression dominance’ as the opposition to ‘passivity’ in chapter two. 43 Paul Henry Mussen, et al., Child Development and Personality 3rd edition New York: Harper And Row Publisher, 1969, p. 361. is needed in the formation of sex-typing itself: the possession of the power. 44 For the reason that Liam is now seeing his mother as the source of the power, while this characteristic should normally be possessed by the father, Liam is then experiencing womb envy. We should recall that Liam was still experiencing the child’s womb envy see part b. of the chapter for the cause and the later womb envy occurring as happened for a different reason but still is the continuation of it. The second womb envy is taking place because of the power that the mother possesses “…fears of maternal power.” 45 . He is now realizing that the mother is taking control of him and is intelligent “Mom’s smart, in case you hadn’t noticed. She has a brain” Peters 2004, 59 has led Liam to enthusiastically praising the characteristic that the mother has. Frightened of the power and then worshiping the power itself in return was part of explanation of the womb envy. To have power like the mother does, Liam then identifies himself as his mother. This identification, is not only a fear of punishment—as superego, but also has grown to another point. He acts like his mother and wants to be like her: “Liam, however, seemed enthralled. Not in Mom’s career, especially, but in watching her. He was girl gawking, which is what I called it, where he sat mesmerized studying how girls talked and gestured and moved. Absorbing, memorizing, imitating. He had Aly down perfectly. The way 44 See the second chapter for the characteristics that a parent should have in the role of the sex- typing process. 45 Catherine B. Silver, “Womb Envy: loss and grief of the Maternal body”. Psychoanalytic review, 94 3, June 2007. she tossed back her head when she laughed….. he could do Mom, too”. Peters 2004, 55-56

E. Father as the Penis