Quiet Accumulation

In London, we had to wait for a connection to Calgary for almost four hours. I took a nap and had a strange dream—a man, looking like a rancher, spoke to me in a deep voice, “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you.” “What a strange dream! What does it mean?” I asked myself.

At the airport, a friend of mine, Bogna, was waiting for us. We were happy to see her, but could see that she’d been cry- ing before greeting us. “What happened?” we asked. She explained that her husband’s mother had died recently and he’d gone to Poland to arrange a funeral. We couldn’t believe it. A day before our journey to Canada started, we’d visited her and everything looked all right. She told us she’d miss Bogusia’s visits for Latin lessons. Bogusia had been studying with her in return for help with her daily chores such as shopping and disposing of garbage. They liked each other. Bogna’s mother- in-law had died peacefully in her sleep. A close neighbor had found her and called Andrzej.

Bogna didn’t drive a car, so I had to drive us all home. The next day, I called Helen, who was like a mother to me. We loved each other deeply. “I’m so glad you’re back, my dear Krystyna. Give me an hour and I’ll come by to pick you up. Where are you staying?” she asked. I was thinking, “Why does she need an hour ?” After an hour, Helen appeared at the front door of Bogna’s house. I soon found out why she needed that hour. That’s how long it took her to run through her house collect-

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were folding beds, blankets, pots, cups, glasses, and many more useful items. “Helen, Helen, my dear Helen, thank you very much, but you need these things. We’ve got enough money to buy the things we need.”

I said, as I hugged her. “Of course, you can buy them, but you need money for other things. I like to unclutter my house if an opportunity arises to help others.” Helen answered.

I felt so cared-for at that moment that my body filled up with energy. Other friends learned about our return and began bringing us stuff that we’d given them before going back to Poland. After living at Bogna’s place for a week, I rented an apartment not far from her house. Slowly, I was feeling better and getting ready to visit the university to meet my former professors. Eventually, I went back not knowing how they’d react to see- ing me.

I met Dr. M. in the corridor of the Department of Astro- physics. He looked very surprised, but greeted me in a very friendly way and invited me into his office. He asked me why I’d returned and joked, “I think you’re already spoiled by living here.”

I nodded in agreement, not mentioning any of my problems back in Poland. I didn’t want to spoil this moment by any painful memories. He guessed that I wanted to come back to continue my research. “Please, give me a month. I’ll have to adjust my budget and put you into it, ” he said. “Wow!” I didn’t expect that kind of treatment. I felt extremely happy to be rescued by him again.

When I shared this news with Bogna, she couldn’t believe it. “You quit your job and they accepted you back? I can’t believe it. You’ve got a nerve asking them for your old position back,” she said.

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I had a month to kill before starting back at the university.

A business deal between two families, that also involved me, suddenly developed. One family wanted to buy a house and the other wanted to sell theirs. I connected them, and a deal went through. I asked the agent, Mr. Gray, for a small com- mission—but he refused to give me one. However, he did offer me a job as his assistant! My responsibility would be to phone people who wanted to sell their homes privately and suggest they’d be better off hiring an agent. I immediately accepted this job offer. It was an ideal one for me. It gave me an opportunity to practice my English whenever I had any free time.

Every afternoon, I reviewed the “Calgary Herald” and prepared a list of names and phone numbers of all the people who were selling their properties privately. Then I’d phone them and suggest they meet Mr. Gray, who would be able to give them advice on how to sell their homes more efficiently. To do this properly, I needed their addresses and for each address I was paid twenty dollars. I was usually able to get six addresses for every hour of calls. Once I had enough addresses, I’d go visit Bartek and Bogusia, who were then working at Macdonald’s. I’d order tea and a sandwich and chat with them as much as I could. I worked in this way for about a month and earned good money. A few weeks later, I got additional money from him because some people decided to switch to him when selling their homes.

The month passed quickly. Dr. M. called to tell me that my appointment had been approved. I was going to be able to continue the research I’d stopped to go back to Poland. Later, while

sitting at the computer and reviewing images of the Aurora

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Borealis in complete darkness and silence, I felt energy flowing back into my body.

Dealing with all those Polish educational problems had made me tired, drained and empty. I needed this peaceful, quiet atmosphere. It was so therapeutic, so comforting, and so relaxing that soon all my psychic wounds were healed. I really enjoyed working on the Aurora Borealis and began to look at my life in a much more optimistic way. I also began to think about my future.

During eight months of researching at the university, I regained my energy and started to feel things with greater in- tensity. I was delighted (surprise & joy), and astonished (surprise & acceptance) by the kindness, helpfulness, concern, and sup- port of many people, both friends and colleagues alike. I felt accepted and started to trust again. I even made some new friends. I became optimistic and began to believe in myself and visualize the next steps in my life. I caught myself thinking, “I feel like I’m really living again. What’s next? I’m now ready for new ideas, new decisions and new mistakes. But why am I constantly on

the move? Why don’t I ever feel satisfied? What am I looking for?”

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Great Strength

Dr. M.’s group was working on the images sent by cameras installed on a satellite designed and built by companies from Canada, Russia, and Sweden. Russian engineers were responsible for the cameras.

One day, Dr. M. suddenly appeared in the lab and informed us, “Something’s wrong with the camera. It stops in the middle of sending images. We can’t do anything to repair it. We can only pray. ” That was really bad news. All of us who worked on those images knew that we could lose our jobs. No images, no work.

I had mixed feelings of both sadness and excitement. I knew that if I lost my job I’d have financial difficulties but, from the other side, I’d have some new challenges to over- come. I was surprised by my own reaction and prepared for the next phase of my life.

For the next few weeks, we didn’t get any new images so our group had to be dissolved. One day, all of us were laid off, but fortunately we received unemployment insurance, which temporarily covered all our daily expenses. I felt really strange. For the first time in my life I was relying on unemployment insurance. Therefore, I immediately started looking for professional solutions. I thought about opening a private school with no involvement from parents. I had learned from my school experiences in Warsaw that I loved teaching and being with students, but hated dealing with intrusive parents.

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about an international school ? Calgary is such a great city—clean, safe, and close to the mountains. I’m sure parents would send their kids to a school here,”

I imagined. I immediately shared this idea with Bartek and Bogusia. “But I don’t have money for a school like this,”

I muttered to them. “Mom, don’t worry,” replied Bartek excitedly. “I’ve got two thousand dollars in a bank account for my education, but I’d rather invest it in your school. “Thank you very much, my dear. You’re a great son. Let’s just wait to see if I’m actu- ally going to need your money,”

I said.

One day, while I was checking the classified ads in the Calgary Herald, I found a very interesting advertisement about a program for people who were on unemployment insurance and wanted to open an international business. “Wow. This is for me!”

I thought. The very next day, I made an appointment with the person who was responsible for that program. I found out that twenty candidates would be accepted into the program. They’d learn how to prepare, advertise, and finance a business.

On the spot, the program leader interviewed me and expressed interest in my idea. He promised to call me after in- terviewing all the applicants. A few days later, he phoned and told me that I’d been accepted. The program started the following Monday.

I learned a great deal in that program. I was able to visualize all the steps required to open an international school. It started with creating a society, then finding a proper school location. After that, I had to design a curriculum, hire teachers, distribute marketing materials, buy equipment, and register students. The whole process was very similar to the way we’d organized the school in Warsaw.

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I followed the program vigorously. Registering a society was easy, but finding a location was challenging. I hired a real estate agent and asked him to find a 3000 sq. ft. office space for lease in downtown Calgary. He found a suitable spot that could be sub-leased from a psychologist who had just lost a big contract and had to lay-off his whole team. The space was inside a very elegant office building on the sixth floor. There were five large rooms, which would be excellent for class- rooms and two small ones that could be used for an office and teacher’s lunchroom. It was an ideal location for a school, but an expensive one for my pocketbook.

I quickly concocted a strategy. “I like this space,” I said to the agent. “But not at this price. I’m willing to sub-lease it, but here are my conditions—I’ll pay half the monthly rent and I want the first three months free.” The agent was shocked. “Are you crazy? Who’d ever agree to those terms?”

he said. “Sorry, I’m not asking you for your opinion, I’m making a legitimate offer and I’d like it properly presented ,” I politely replied.

Two weeks passed and no phone calls came to me from the agent. However, in the third week, he called with great news. “Lady, I don’t understand it, but they’ve agreed to your offer. The space is yours,”

he said. I was in heaven. “Hurray, Hurray, I’ll get a school after all ,” I shouted to myself as I jumped up and down with happiness.

After signing all the legal papers, I received a key, which opened the front door of the facility. Then I entered it for the first time as an educator. Everything inside was empty. I ran from one room to another visualizing how the school was going to look when ready for students. The furniture had already been bought in an interesting way.

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Ewa, one of my friends, who worked at the Calgary Her- ald, informed me that a huge furniture auction was taking place at one of the oil companies. We went to that auction together. I watched the proceedings in silence, as I wasn’t sure what to do. Ewa poked me and whispered, “You said you were going to open a school, why aren’t you buying any of this stuff? You’re going to need it.”

I answered, “How can I? I don’t have the space to store furniture because I live in a small apartment. “What about my garage? It’s almost Spring and we can park our cars out- side it,” Ewa continued. “Are you sure? I love you. I really appreciate your help .” I then started buying. I picked up things like fax tables, desks, chairs and shelves. All those purchases went straight into my VISA card and then Ewa called her husband, asking him to come by to pick up all the stuff. For almost three months this furniture was kept in their garage.

One of the program participants was specializing in tech- nical writing and was willing to work on promotional materials for the school. Another suggested including the term ‘institute’ in the school’s name. He argued, “The word ‘institute’ sounds more serious and it’ll give you more business options. You’ll

be able to teach, but you could also run a bookstore, a research centre or even a publishing house,”

he said. I accepted his suggestion and the school’s name emerged, “Equilibrium International Educational Institute.”

During the process of creating Equilibrium, I was in an in- spired emotional state. I was completely open (interest & anticipation), and receptive (acceptance), to new opportunities and

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resourcefulness (anticipation & acceptance), and curiosity (acceptance & surprise), pushed this process forward and brought me great joy and delight (surprise & joy).

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Peace

The name “Equilibrium” reflected my emotional state at the time. I needed balance and order in my life and that’s what was happening. From that emotional state I wanted to create a stable, dynamic school that would enable a staff of qualified teachers to perform their jobs effectively.

I decided to open the school in June. That would give us three months to develop the programs. In the end, we decided to offer courses in English as a Second Language for Interna- tional Students, Polish for Business People and Children, and High School Academic Training for students who needed ex- tra credits for their post-secondary studies.

To get students, my friends helped me distribute posters and flyers throughout the city. Ewa and I distributed over one hundred and twenty-five posters in Chinatown alone. Wher- ever I went, I carried a bunch of flyers. During this period, I was very attentive, focused, and observant. I knew that it was

a crucial time for the creation and growth of my school.

I was determined to hire only the best teachers because the quality of the school was going to be my own responsibility. I felt like a young mother preparing for the birth of her first child. My energy was completely focused and I loved being in charge of every decision regarding the school.

Students slowly began to register for Equilibrium. Most of them came from Hong Kong and Japan. Students from Hong Kong were happy that our school offered academic courses as

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well as ESL Programs. Most of them planned to stay in Cana-

da and to apply to various universities.

I was very sensitive to any student requests. For example, when some students asked for a TOEFL preparation course, I organized one immediately. Adult students asked for academic programs with government funding, so I prepared a proposal. Soon those programs were offered too. Parents asked for tutoring in mathematics and science, so a Tutor Center was created. Students and teachers asked for ESL and High School books for the different subjects so a bookstore was opened. In this way, Equilibrium grew quickly, attracting more and more students.

Soon agents from different countries started to approach me. They were looking for international schools that offered both short and long programs. First, they sent single students to check us out, then, after receiving positive feedback from them, asked me to organize group studies. Students came from a variety of countries such as Taiwan, Guatemala, Korea and Hong Kong. They created a small community where, not only learning new languages was possible, but also field trips, potluck meals, birthday parties, and artistic activities. I soon realized that those small “distractions” in the life of the school gave it a real burst of energy. They gave the students a chance to get to know one another and enriched all the relationships in the school.

I ran the school for almost ten years. It was a wonderful decade! During that time, interacting continuously with young

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and trust people without judgment, how to enjoy surprises in my life and how to appreciate all the possibilities that arose. I felt enormously happy, engaged and committed to this project. I was always ready to welcome the unknown. By learning to accept others’ beliefs and values, I became a much more open-minded.

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Temptation

I had a weakness. I was always attracted to new and challenging situations. As a child, I was so fearless that during family vacations, I swam in dangerous rivers or escaped with my brother to the mountains—with no parental supervision! These kinds of adventures thrilled me. Later on in my young adult life, I travelled to new, strange places with only a back- pack. My mother often asked me, “Krysia, what are you looking for? You are such a wanderer .” I needed those escapades. They helped me learn about myself, solve unexpected problems, and make my own decisions. After returning home, I felt reju- venated and ready for my daily activities.

During Equilibrium’s third year, a student with an unexpected proposition approached me. He was planning to move to Vancouver because the weather in Calgary was too harsh for him. He’d emigrated from Iran and wanted to study computer science at a Canadian university. He had some Iranian post secondary education, but wanted to review mathematics and physics. What was his proposition? Because he loved Equilibrium, he suggested we open a similar school in Van- couver. If I were willing to do it, he would join me as a business partner.

My weakness started to surface and his proposal disturbed me. “What should I do? Who’d be responsible for such a school? Could I go to Vancouver and leave my children in Calgary now that they were young adults? Would we lose students if I moved to the

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me at the time. “But,” I thought, “ It’ll be great to create a new school. There’ll be new experiences and new challenges.”

I fought with myself. His proposition tempted me, but I wasn’t sure if I was ready for it at that moment in my life. The Equilibrium School was three years old. It was still a “baby” and still need-

ed nurturing, promoting, and developing. “How could I leave so young a business? But I might learn something new and useful. Maybe it was a great opportunity? ” I was completely confused. On one hand, I yearned for a new challenge, on another, I was doubtful. I’d come to love the order and stability in my life. Why risk it now?

For almost two weeks I analyzed the pros and cons. Final- ly, I shared this dilemma with Bartek and Ania, his girlfriend at the time. They were willing to help me with the administration of the Calgary school for four months, from May to Sep- tember. It was then that I finally decided to go to Vancouver.

I immersed myself in the process of starting another school in British Columbia. The young Iranian had already found a great location in the heart of downtown Vancouver. He’d also researched where to buy furniture and equipment. In the meantime, I’d prepared the accreditation documentation and sent it to the Ministry of Education.

Because of my experience organizing schools, we were ready to open the new school in a month. We called it “Equi- librium II.” Unfortunately, we couldn’t register any students until we obtained full accreditation. In the meantime, we did offer a few ESL classes—but they were not enough to cover our growing expenses. This time we weren’t so lucky and didn’t get the first three months rent-free.

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In the second month, I began to feel very lonely and became acutely aware of my love and responsibility for Bogusia and Bartek.

Almost every afternoon, after returning from the school, and on weekends, I escaped to Stanley Park and sketched trees, plants, and beautiful park settings. Luckily, those activities brought joy into my life. One Sunday, when I was painting

a gorgeous lake with blooming water lilies, I noticed a middle- aged man jogging close to me. Suddenly, he stopped, intro- duced himself, and asked if he could join me! “Last weekend, I chose this very same spot for my own painting, ” he said. As an artist and a psychologist, he used art therapy to heal people with mental problems. Coincidentally, his office was on the same street as our school. His business logo was similar to ours. It was a double spiral in a vertical position, whereas Equilibrium’s was a single spiral in a horizontal coordinate. As

he was leaving, he invited me to the opening of his next show. “What a strange coincidence? We have so many things in common. Maybe this is a special sign?”

I thought.

In the third month, we had more problems. Our expenses continued to grow, accreditation was delayed, and Bartek called me almost every day with a problem. “Mom, when are you coming home? I’ve got real communication issues with some of the students. They’re saying they won’t register unless you come back. What am I supposed to tell them?

I asked myself, “What should I tell Bartek?”

I decided to visit the psychologist-artist, whom I’d met a few days before, and share my problems with him. He was pleasantly surprised to see me and listened carefully to my story. Then he said what I really wanted to hear, “As a mother,

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from the responsibilities you have placed upon him.” It was great advice, which I needed to hear. Now, I knew why our life paths had crossed on the bench in a front of that gorgeous lake with the water lilies.

I now had to find someone who could be responsible for Equilibrium II. The young Iranian wasn’t able to run the school by himself. He needed an experienced teacher or ad- ministrator to assist him. Fortunately, after a long discussion, one of English teachers agreed to become the interim principal of the school. This development gave me an enormous sense of relief.

“Bartek, I’ve got great news for you. I’m coming home,” I told him with joy in my voice. “Mom, I love you,” he shouted into the phone.

When I left Vancouver, the young Iranian and the English teacher didn’t get along. They constantly argued about nothing. They simply didn’t like one another. After a few months, the Iranian decided to dissolve the Vancouver Equilibrium. Fortunately, in the building of Equilibrium II was a college that needed the additional space. The administration of this college offered to sub-lease our space and to buy all our furniture and paintings. Soon after that we signed their purchase order and ended the adventure of Equilibrium II.

All of the unexpected events which happened during those three and half months in Vancouver gave me a chance to experience some very strong emotions. They were like turbulent vorti- ces in a quiet river and they stirred my mental state. I was eager

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many obstacles running it. I became very impatient, irritated, and frustrated with the slow response of government officials. I was disappointed and dissatisfied. In this mental state, I became more aware of the love I felt for my son and daughter and how lonely I was without them. Fortunately, I found a way to cure myself of this unhappiness and distress. I immersed myself in artistic activities, which gave me the joy, satisfaction, and energy to deal with the difficulties. I also learned a great deal about international schools as I visited many of them and observed how they were running. Thanks to those experiences, I made some positive changes to the organization of my school in Calgary. During that period, I got in touch with some international agents who brought a lot of students to the Calgary Equilibrium.

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Wanderer

One day I met a man with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life. He lived on a ranch almost 180 km from Calga- ry so it wasn’t possible for me to live there and drive to Equi- librium every day. I had to make a decision—this man, or the school. If I left Equilibrium, what would happen to it? Surpris- ingly, a solution came quickly.

Ania and Kasia, two members of the Equilibrium family, approached me with an invitation for a “business breakfast.” “What do they want from me?” I asked myself. I didn’t have a clue. When I appeared at Kasia’s home, they seemed very serious and tense. They were very well prepared and presented me with a booklet, which included a proposal to buy Equilib- rium. It included an appraisal and detailed calculation of payments for the business. The most intriguing part of it was the first page, which offered me “permanent freedom.” I was pleasantly surprised. I certainly didn’t expect this kind of solution to my dilemma. However, it was an ideal resolution to it. These two young women were very well equipped to run the school. They’d worked for me for almost seven years and knew all the details and secrets of the school. I immediately wanted to accept their proposal, but told them I’d think about it and get back to them in a week.

One week later, just as we were returning home from school, I told Ania and Kasia, “I’ve looked through your proposal and accept it.” They were so happy they jumped in the car and

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I was pleasantly surprised with their proposal and accepted it with great relief. I felt tremendously satisfied (surprise & joy), that they wanted to continue running the school. The deal gave me the freedom and peace of mind to do something different with my life. I had the vision (acceptance & anticipation), of what I wanted to do and anticipated the next phase of my life with great optimism (anticipation & joy), and enthusiasm (acceptance, anticipation & joy).

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The Creative

I moved to the Lorell Ranch in the middle of July. Every day, I immersed myself in nature. I was amazed with the beauty of this farm with its immense fields, twisted trees, and fragile flowers. I felt completely integrated with everything around me. I was in heaven!

I started to write in my journal every day. One of my first entries stated, “I’m full of energy now. I love the wonder of this natural setting with its waving gold grasses, colorful flowers, clear blue skies, warm winds, and beaming sunlight. It’s giving me energy to paint. I love Brian and each day I feel happier and happier. I dream about having my own studio where I’ll do nothing but paint.”

A few days later, I wrote, “I’m sketching and painting— pleased with each and every day. The wonderful sunsets inspire me. I’m moving all of my art supplies into the basement and arranging an art studio there. This studio has a large window to the west and I am enchanted by the delightful play of lights in it. It’s like beautiful music to my eyes. I’m absorbing it with my whole body. We’re planning to build a studio where I’ll be able to paint and work until the end of my life. I’m not afraid of Autumn, but Winter could be difficult. I wonder how my psyche will endure the short days and long nights in this wilderness? ”

I took a garden chair into a nearby forest with trees that had been twisted and distorted by wind and rain. I looked at those trees and chose some interesting configurations of their branches and twigs to sketch. I frequently added comments or

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poems to those sketches. Most of the time, I wrote them in Polish then translated them back into English.

“Jak Malowa ü NieskonczonoĞü”

“How to Paint Infinity” 17 sierpnia, 2003

17 August, 2003 Niebo, niebieskie, szare, granatowe,

Sky, blue, gray, navy blue, Bogate w z áociste chmury,

Rich in the gold clouds, S áoĔce and ksieĪyc

Sun and Moon. Spadajace gwiazdy, przynosz ące nadzieje na

Falling stars, bringing hope for Zmiany.

Change. Odbijaj ące siĊ w przydroĪnych stawach.

Reflected in standing water. Jak trudno malowa ü wszechĞwiat,

How difficult it is to paint the universe, Jak malowa ü nicoĞü,

How to paint emptiness, Jak malowa ü nieskoĔczonoĞü.

How to paint infinity.

“Nasz Spacer” “Our Walk”

21 sierpnia, 2003 21 August, 2003 Przestrzenie rozleg áe,

Distant lands, Z áociste pola,

Gold fields, Wysokie trawy.

Tall grasses. Wiatr pieszcz ący nasze twarze.

Wind cuddling our faces. Czerwona kula s áoĔca

Red sphere of the Sun Wygladaj ąca za wzgórz,

Is looking above the hill, Pokrytych zielonym suknem.

Covered with green clothes. Plamy czarne, brazowe, krów pas ących siĊ,

Black, brown spots of grazing cows, Z dali przybiega pies, pos áuszny, potulny.

From far a dog is coming, calm, obedient.

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“Bialy Ob âok” “White Cloud”

21 wrze Ğnia, 2003 21 September, 2003 Jest mi tak dobrze.

I feel so good. Zauwa Īyáam biaáy obáok otulający najwyĪsze

I saw a white cloud passing over a high hill. wzgórze

To na zachodzie, It is in the West, A na wschodzie,

And on the East, S áoĔce wstaje, przebija promienie przez gĊste

The Sun rises, piercing through the dense chmury.

clouds. Ró Īowy skrawek nieba pojawia siĊ w oddali,

A pink piece of the sky emerges far away, Bialy ob áok prawie zniká…

White cloud almost disappears… A moje my Ğli wĊdrują do wczorajszego czytania

And my thoughts wander to yesterday’s read- Steinbecka.

ing of Steinbeck. Czy moze by ü coĞ piĊkniejszego?

Is it possible to be more beautiful? Bia áy obáok zniká…

White cloud has vanished… Ale to pola zapalaj ą siĊ záociĞcie.

But instead, fields are switched on. To s áoĔce jak wielka latarka sprawdza

The Sun like a large, portable light is checking Czy wszystko w porz ądku na polach i w lasach

If everything is alright on the fields and in the forests,

Muska cudowne wzgórza i doliny, Touching gorgeous hills and valleys, Odkrywa zakamarki których przedtem nie

Discovering locations that it never saw before. widzia á.

I dalej Ğwiatáo posuwa siĊ ze wschodu na Light is flowing from the east to the west, zachód,

Szkoda Īe nie umiem tak szybko szkicowaü. Too bad that I cannot sketch so fast. Id Ċ za wĊdrującym Ğwiatáem,

I am going behind the glowing light, Ciekawa jestem dok ąd mnie zaprowadzi.

I wonder where I am ending up.

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I loved the peace and tranquility of this beautiful place. I wrote,

“Cisza” “The Silence”

Wrzesie Ĕ 15, 2003 September, 15, 2003 Co za cisza.

Silence. Co za spokój.

Peace. Ws áuchujĊ siĊ caáą sobą

I listen through the whole of my body. I co slysz Ċ?

And what do I hear? Oddech psa,

A breath of a dog, Szelest trawy,

A rustle of grass, I znowu g áĊboka cisza.

And again a deep silence. Gdy jest tak cicho

When it’s so quiet Mój wzrok wyostrza si Ċ.

My eyes sharpen up. I co widz Ċ?

And what do I see? Ci ĊĪkie, czarne chmury na horyzoncie,

Heavy, black clouds on the horizon, Z áociste plamy przebijającego siĊ

Golden patches off S áoĔca przez chmury.

The Sun pierce through clouds. Z áote pola i zielone wzgórza,

Golden fields and green hills, Prost ą drogĊ prowadzącą dokądĞ.

A straight path leading to somewhere.

In my journal entry for October 18 th , I wrote, “It’s sunny almost every day, but I feel fall in the air. I’m painting yellow- ish-red scenes endlessly. I’ve created so many of them. Tomor- row, I’ll take some in for framing. They’ve started to build my studio, and I think it’ll be ready before winter. I’m preparing for my first show on November 7th, and I’ve invited Jeanne, a Dutch artist who lives in Vancouver. I love her work and I’m calling this show, “Life of Water.” I’m now sitting on my fa- vorite blue chair surrounded by cows that are coming nearer and nearer to me. Pit tried unsuccessfully to keep them away

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That year, winter came early to our ranch. On November 3rd, I wrote: “It’s white everywhere, and snow is falling continuously. In the evening, we read Steinbeck and thought about escaping to the South. As winter began, my studio was not yet finished—it still needed a roof. On Friday, I was going to have my first show organized by the Blue Gold Gallery. I wonder how many people will come? Right now our home is in a big mess. I can’t paint, but I’ve managed to read about some pastel techniques. I can’t wait to start arranging my books and art supplies. Yesterday, we went for a walk. The sun stared through clouds and threw gold patches onto the white hills. We looked into the sky, observing clouds, which were moving in different directions with varying speeds, and by colliding with each other, initiated a snowfall. Throughout the night snow fell endlessly.”

My first show was successful—a lot of people came and some bought small pieces of my work. Jeanne sold her biggest painting for $1700. I was very happy for her, as she was a great artist and a fascinating woman. We connected right away and I felt that this show became the starting point of our friendship.

Brian’s ranch sank into a deep, white winter and a Chi- nook raged throughout the hills. One day, I thought the house would blow down, especially since it had scaffolding all around it. I was afraid that the scaffolding would scatter and break some windows.

During the winter, I couldn’t go for walks and sketch, so I worked on applying Chaos Theory to the dynamics of human life. I wrote in my journal, “For a long time, I didn’t write poems or paint. But I did have some new ideas. So I prepared a

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interpreted by Chaos Theory. I had a lot of materials to rear- range before starting to write. Later, I wrote two articles that applied Chaos Theory to creativity and the teaching of mathematics in secondary schools.”

During my first few months at the ranch, I felt completely accepted and loved. I was able to open myself to everything that surrounded me. This gave me energy and inspiration and enabled me to use my imagination and creativity. I began to paint and write poetry, which gave me enormous joy. By organizing the show, I connected with other artists. I also started integrating my knowledge of Chaos Theory into my artistic experiences by working on a lecture series. During this process, I became aware of the importance of the relationship between science and art. I believed that relationship could enrich many aspects of human life.

My primary emotions of acceptance, anticipation, surprise, and joy, generated many rich feelings that I’d experienced during my first six months living at the ranch. These included,

" Love, tenderness and friendship (acceptance & joy), " Imagination, resourcefulness, vision, and inspiration

(acceptance & anticipation), " Excitement and optimism (anticipation & joy),

" Curiosity, novelty, and freshness (acceptance & surprise),

" Delight, enjoyment and happiness (surprise & joy), " Commitment, engagement, and attraction (surprise,

acceptance & joy),

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" Enthusiasm, eagerness and willingness (anticipation, acceptance & joy),

" Open-mindedness and receptiveness (anticipation, surprise & acceptance), and

" Enjoyment of the unknown and the unexpected (anticipation, surprise & joy).

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Order

During my first winter on our ranch, I spent a lot of time thinking about how I could apply Chaos Theory to human issues. One day, I came across the website of The Society for Chaos Theory in Psychology and Life Sciences. “Wow! This is what I’m looking for ,” I said to myself. I learned that this Society was organizing an International Conference in Milwaukee in July of the next year. I decided to attend it. Luckily, there was

still time to send an abstract. “What shall I prepare for this conference ?” I pondered. Then, I got an idea. I decided to make a presentation analysing the creation and operation of our Polish

and Canadian schools based on Chaos Theory. To my delight, the abstract was accepted and I went to my first psychology conference. While there, I encountered people who were thinking like me and trying to explain a variety of psychological problems by applying the concepts of Chaos Theory.

The Creation and Operation of Polish and Canadian Schools through Chaos Theory

The process of creating the Polish school 10 was very chaotic—like a river flowing through the mountains. A variety of people were involved. They included my friends, parents of

future students, and the teachers. They brought with them diverse skills, experiences, beliefs, and emotions. They had many obstacles and challenges to tackle. Their openness and resourcefulness were extremely important. Through their

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collective efficacy, they successfully overcame all the challenges to their objectives and effectively applied their capaci- ties to create a complex, stable organization. On the other hand, the running of the school was not so chaotic. Student registrations were only held once a year. Stu- dents were accepted into Grade 9 then studied for four years. The student population was monolithic and rarely changed. All students took the same courses and were divided into eight classes of twenty. Introducing small changes, like a new

teacher-hiring policy or introducing new curricula, were encountered with a great resistance. However, the process of creating a Canadian school 11 was totally different. It reminded me of a serene river. I created this school by myself in a systematic manner. But the running of this school was very chaotic. There was a constant yet unpredictable flow of new students because they were arriving and studying on an individual basis. The school was very sensitive to the needs of its students so new classes were formed quickly.

From the very start, the Polish school had flexible, yet chaotic qualities. However, competition, hierarchical strivings, and power-grabs, dominated the school’s activities. Negative

feedback loops 12 became reinforced, and soon the organization’s chaotic attractor 13 was reduced to a limit cycle attractor. In this restrictive limit-cycle system, behaviour tended to be mechanical and repetitive. On the other hand, the Canadian school became dynamic, complex and open to the external

11 See the chapter “Great Strength” 12 Negative feedback keeps things in check and regulates the stability of the

system.

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environment. It was also filled with positive feedback loops 14 that pushed its systems in new directions and negative feedback loops that kept the processes balanced.

How Chaos Theory Can Enrich Our Lives

After spending a great summer with my brother and his wife who came from Poland, I concentrated on preparing a series of lectures on Chaos Theory for artists, students, and the general public. The series was called, “Chaos and How to Enrich Our Lives.”

I also developed a presentation named, “Creativity = Chaos,” for my friends and fellow artists. At the same time, I started work on paintings that expressed attractors and bifurcations using the mixed media techniques that I’d learned from Jeanne, the artist from Vancouver.

In my “Creativity = Chaos” lectures, I analysed the common characteristics of scientists and artists. From my own experience, I could say that they’re both characterized by an intellectual curiosity, a fascination with the natural world, an open- minded attitude, and a definite receptiveness. The whole point of art and science is to go beyond what we consider real, and create a new reality. Albert Einstein once wrote that great art and science involve a leap of imagination into a world that is different from the one we experience in the present.

My plan was to give people a tool for analyzing their life through the perspective of Chaos Theory. I hoped this would bring them to a better understanding of themselves. This exer- cise forced people to stretch their imaginations and look at themselves and their lives as complex, dynamic, and open.

The main concepts of Chaos Theory involve attractors and bifurcations. Attractors are characteristic behaviours in a

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dynamic system while bifurcations are defined as the process of branching into new types of behaviour within a system. As

a bifurcation is approached, the system’s trajectory becomes random and unpredictable and large fluctuations usually occur. At this point, the system “hesitates” between different directions of change. In human life, those oscillations and fluctuations are emotions that we experience before making decisions.

For example, if our present life is highly regular and pre- dictable, we often feel like we’re in a rut and constantly oscil- late between two activities such as work and family. A cycle attractor could then describe our life. In this state, characterized by repetition, we might feel dissatisfied and unhappy. These negative emotions could trigger the transition to a more complex attractor. In other words, this emotional tension generates “bifurcation points,” which are the choices we make to change our mental state.

The flow of our life is like a sequence of attractors bifur- cated to one another and bifurcation points are the special events when we make choices that will influence our future.

My decision to return to Poland 15 could be understood as

a bifurcation point generated by dissatisfaction with my life in Canada and an excitement about experiencing the political changes taking place in Poland. That is what pulled me from the cycle attractor of my life in Canada to the chaotic attractor of my life in Poland. My decision to go back to Canada 16 can

be understood as a bifurcation point generated by a series of negative emotions such as disappointment, dissatisfaction, frustration, irritation, and contempt that were experienced in

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Poland. They eventually pushed me from the chaotic attractor of living in Poland to the much more ordered attractor of life in Canada.

Bifurcation points can also appear as insights, visions, or sudden understandings. They are those “Aha!” moments. We should learn to be aware of them and take advantage of them.

Chaos Theory and Creativity

In one of my lectures, I presented the process of creativity based on Chaos Theory and gave advice to parents and teachers about how to increase creativity in their children.

Creativity is a very intriguing state of human consciousness. Osho wrote: “Creativity is a very paradoxical state of consciousness and being. It’s action through inaction. It’s allowing something to happen through you. It’s not a doing, it’s an allowing. It’s becoming a passage so the whole can flow

through you.” 17 Similar to Wallas’ approach 18 , I explained creativity as a process that goes through phases. The first phase is the conscious process of preparation. When we sense a problem that might be worth tackling, we plunge into the process of question- ing, researching, collecting, and exchanging information. We work with emotional fluctuations such as tensions, doubts, and uncertainties. Chaotic attractors like passion, love, knowledge, and freedom then characterize our mental state. They are constantly interacting and bifurcating from one to another through positive and negative feedback loops. Since an enormous amount of information is created, this is a differentiation phase.

17 Osho (1999). Creativity. Unleashing the force within. New York: St. martin’s

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During this period, we have to be “open” to both external and internal environments. Rogers 19 wrote that the person who is “open” experiences each stimulus freely throughout their entire nervous system. Whether the stimulus originates in the external or internal environment, it’s available to our awareness. This means that we’re aware of this existential moment as it is.

What is the role of teachers or parents during this phase? They should help their children learn how to formulate thought provoking questions. They should also encourage them to choose and redefine their projects, and allow them to

find their own ways of solving problems. Children should be taught how to express their ideas and how to think across dis- ciplines based on their skills, interests, and abilities. It’s also important to encourage children to collaborate and see the importance of understanding, respecting, and responding to other’s points of view. They have to learn how to deal with internal and external obstacles and understand that uncertain-

ty, doubt, and anxiety are part of the learning process 20 . The second phase refers to “the process of temporarily re- moving a problem from conscious awareness as a means to gain new perspectives on how to solve it.” 21 Free from rational direction, cognitive elements such as ideas, thoughts, images, and memories can combine and create a higher structure of order. Because of this freedom, original and new connections have a chance to be established. This is a period of incubation.

19 Rogers, C.R. (1970). Towards a theory of creativity. In P.E. Vernon (Ed.), Creativity , pp.137-151. Penguin Education.

20 Sternberg, R.J. (2003). The development of creativity as a decision making process. In Creativity and development. (pp. 91-138). Oxford: University Press.

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Both increasing order and increasing complexity rely on the mechanism of self-organization, when reciprocally interacting system elements are coupled. Through this process, a system generates new structures, patterns, and properties. This is known as emergence and is an integrating process. Complexity arises when differentiation and integration are present.

In contrast to the conscious brain, the unconscious brain appears to be a parallel processor, so that novel combinations of information are constantly being generated, regardless of

the state of attention control. 22

Teachers and parents should be aware of the period when children’s thinking self-organizes and extend this period during which their ideas don’t converge. Children need time to understand problems and work on them.

The third phase is when spontaneous insights, new knowledge, and novel ideas become conscious by appearing in a working memory.

They are a result of the successful self-organization of chaotic activities in the unconscious. As such, they are unexpected and unpredictable. They emerge at the “edge of chaos” as an expression of a new order that originates spontaneously from inside the system and creates a completely new “emergent property.” After an insight occurs, we must check to see if its solution is correct. When we are immersed in chaos, bifurca-

tion happens and flow appears. Flow 23 is the period when self- consciousness disappears and total absorption in an activity occurs. It creates immediate feedback to one’s action and a

22 Gazzaniga, S.M., Ivry, R.B., and Mangun G.R. (1998). Cognitive neuroscience . New York: Norton. ,

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balance between challenges and skills. Actions and awareness merge and one’s sense of time become distorted.

Children should be praised for generating their own ideas, not criticized for solutions, which may appear to be mistakes. Teachers should ask children to analyze and discuss these “mistakes”. Children should then be taught how to take responsibility for both their successes and failures and how to value the delaying of gratification.

In summary, we can say that chaos stimulates creativity and creates the necessary conditions for self-organization. In the differentiation phase, diverse elements of knowledge are essential. Through the process of self-organization, thoughts, ideas, images, and memories interconnect freely and organize to form a new, complex order.

Chaos Theory and Individuation

The next summer, the Society for Chaos Theory in Psychol- ogy and Life Sciences, organized a conference in Denver, Colo- rado. This time I decided to prepare a presentation on Jung’s 24 concept of individuation. He defined individuation as the estab- lishment of a right relationship between the Ego – “who I think

I am” and the Self – “all that I really am.” Individuation can be understood as an open, dynamic, complex process of psychological maturity, which transforms the chaos of collective unconscious content into the order of consciousness.

The human psyche is a complex system and its dynamics are unpredictable. It has three parts—consciousness, the personal unconscious, and the collective unconscious. Con- sciousness is composed of perceptions, memories, thoughts,

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and feelings. It has a threshold and is intensive, concentrated, transient, and directed. The personal unconscious contains all the forgotten experiences unique to each individual. The collective unconscious contains inherited behaviours and fantasy combinations. It has the ability to synthesize components into new and unpredictable combinations.

Consciousness and the unconscious form a complementary pair of opposites similar to order and chaos in Chaos Theory. They collaborate through loops of negative and positive feedback. Each new context that arises from the unconscious is integrated into the conscious mind. Unconsciously generated symptoms like depression, discontent, boredom, or disgust,

create changes in our psyche. They then act as positive feedback loops. If consciousness disregards these signals, it acts as

a negative feedback loop, which could lead to serious conse- quences. But when consciousness allows energy to flow from the unconscious, it activates positive images and pulls them out of the unconscious. Sometimes, the creative activity of the psyche transforms the chaos of the collective unconscious into dreams, fantasies, visions, and art. This makes it possible for a higher level of consciousness to emerge, which is characterized by creativity, complexity and richness of character.

The individuation can be compared to creativity itself. Both processes are similar in the way their creative forces exist within the unconscious. In both, consciousness is expanded by confronting context that was previously unconscious.

In midlife transitions, people often experience boredom, depression, anxiety, confusion, divorce, addiction, or infidelity. These are nothing more than “intermittent” symptoms of unconscious chaos within an ordered consciousness.

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This individuation is similar to the process of creativity and temporarily goes underground into the unconscious. Then, free from rational direction, its mental elements combine and pursue each other in unpredicted ways. Attractors can describe such an uncontrolled state of mind. Jung suggested that powerful forces of attraction exist within all of us. He called them, “archetypes.” According to him, archetypes are instinctual images, which make powerful imprints in our psyche through repetitive experiences. During the second part of life, the Ego is affected by shadow and animus archetypes that we experience as powerful images and emotions.

The shadow archetype is caused by repressed anger, sexu- ality, joy, spontaneity, or creativity. The anima archetype is simply the personification of the feminine psychological tendencies in man’s psyche. These would include vague feelings, receptiveness to the irrational capacity for personal love, and sensitivity to nature.

The animus is the male personification of the unconscious in woman. It has four stages of development. The first stage appears as a personification of physical power. The second stage possesses initiative and the capacity for planned action. In the third stage, the animus becomes the “word.” Finally, in the fourth manifestation, the animus is the incarnation of meaning. Each stage has its representation in life. Specific animus images vary in accordance with a woman’s particular stage of development.

By examining my life, I realized that my psychological development followed those four stages. In the second half of my life, I experienced great changes in myself. I lost interest in my profession and was attracted to “power.” I had a strong desire to create my own business. I opened three schools and built a

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Later, I became interested in writing and lecturing. I prepared

a series of lectures, workshops, and presentations on the ap- plications of Chaos Theory to daily life. I defended a doctoral dissertation on the role of creativity in the development of young people. Then I wrote a book on this topic for a wider public audience. Throughout this creative process, I regained a sense of purpose and meaning in my life (the third and fourth stages of animus development).

An important concept in Jung’s theory is synchronicity. It’s defined as the coming together of inner and outer events in a way that cannot be explained by cause and effect and creates meaning to an observer. According to Jung, synchronicity helps us understand ourselves more deeply. Circularly, the more deeply we understand our mental functions and ourselves, the more likely we are to experience synchronicity.

Synchronicity pushes us toward a process of individuation. Jung suggests that synchronistic events are associated with the archetypes and are often generated by heightened emotions that lower the threshold of consciousness while strengthening the unconscious.

Studying Jung’s ideas on synchronicity, I started to understand the meaning of a strange dream during my trip from Poland to Canada 25 . During that time, I’d been experiencing heightened emotions. When a conflict arises, corresponding archetypes will be formed in the unconscious. Since archetypes possess a specific energy, they’ll attract themselves to the contents of consciousness. To me, this felt like an important insight or “saving idea.”

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The insurance of a shadow is a part of the corrective effort made by the Self to bring one’s personality back into balance.

A positive function of the anima archetype can occur in men when their feelings, moods, expectations, and fantasies are taken seriously and transformed into artistic forms. In women, the positive side of this archetype is often personified

by courage, truthfulness, and spiritual insights. Self-realization leads individuals to know themselves for who they really are. Individuals who attain mental health by going through these developmental processes exhibit increasing levels of creativity. This form of creativity reaches beyond special talent—it’s a fundamental characteristic of human nature.

The more I know myself, the richer my life experiences become. Finally, we can say that individuation is like a spiral. It’s the pattern of continually becoming conscious of the presence

of various archetypes within us, separating them out from our unconscious and reintegrating them into our psyche in a conscious way. This is a dynamic, complex, and nonlinear process, which notices the chaos found in the content of our collective unconscious and transforms it into the order of consciousness. Through this process, we experience an enrich- ment of consciousness, a new growth, and a higher level of being. In this way, we become complex, holistic, adaptable, open, creative, and sensitive human beings.

Far from the big city and its distractions, living on the ranch gave me an enormous opportunity to immerse myself in

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ing the first few years living there, I completely opened myself up to the idea of applying Chaos Theory to many different human issues. I approached this project with great passion (anticipation & joy), and enthusiasm (anticipation, acceptance & joy). I was delighted and satisfied (joy & surprise) with the process of learning and attracted (acceptance & surprise & joy), to it. I loved (acceptance & joy) seeking complex problems, became curious (acceptance & surprise) about them and excited (joy & anticipation), when contemplating them and working toward their solutions.

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Pushing Upward

Before our first trip to New Zealand, I felt that I had to talk to someone about the application of Chaos Theory to psychology. I checked the University of Calgary’s website and found the name of an applied psychology professor who attracted me. He had a Polish background and was specializing in the education of gifted students. I emailed him requesting an appointment and he responded quickly. We met in his office to discuss my work on applying Chaos Theory to human issues. After listening to me patiently, he said, “You should study

D Ĉbrowski’s theory of positive disintegration. I’ll give you the name of a person who has his books and articles on disk—then you can start studying his work.”

While reading D Ĉbrowski’s book, Mental Growth Through Positive Disintegration, 26 I experienced a sense of “resonance”. I fell in love with his theory. I was mesmerized as I had never before felt that kind of intellectual fascination. I continually asked myself why his theory was so close to my heart, mind and soul. Maybe it was because D Ĉbrowski and I had grown up on the same soil and experienced the same culture. I still don’t know the answer to that question.

I found parallels between D Ĉbrowski’s Theory and Chaos Theory and wanted to share them with others. I sent an abstract, Creativity as an Order Through Emotions, to a conference on Nonlinear Science, in Greece. In my paper, I “married”

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Prigogine’s, theory of dissipative structures, to D Ĉbrowski’s, Theory of Positive Disintegration. I argued that this marriage was a comprehensive solution to the process of creativity.

According to Prigogine, dissipative structures are new ones that originate spontaneously in chaotic conditions. When the flow of energy and matter through them increases, they go through bifurcation points of instability and fluctuation and transform themselves into novel structures of increased complexity.

While, in D Ĉbrowski’s theory, the positive disintegration process, through loosening and even fragmenting the internal psychic environment, through conflict within the internal and with external environments, is the ground for the birth and development of a higher psychic structure.

D Ĉbrowski found a positive correlation between mental disintegration and nervousness on the one hand, and accelerated development and creative ability on the other. It seems that creative individuals experience states of disequilibrium while in the process of mental development.

That same year, a congress on D Ĉbrowski’s theory was organized in Calgary and I decided to send the abstract, Positive Maladjustment as a Transition from Chaos to Order for this congress. To my surprise, they were intrigued by the originality of my approach and accepted it.

In my lecture, I showed how the concepts of Chaos Theory and the process of self-organization provided contemporary insights into D Ĉbrowski’s Theory and how they increase understanding of the development of gifted adolescents.

According to D Ĉbrowski, positive disintegration is understood as a process of transition from lower to higher levels of

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anxiety, and despair. D Ĉbrowski wrote, “Such conflict is a necessary prelude to the gradual adaptation of new external and internal conditions. This results in a disequilibrium, which allows the emergence and organization of new levels of control, higher than those of

the previous, more stable period.” 27

D Ĉbrowski’s idea that “emotional turbulence” is critically important in the transition from lower to higher levels of mental life, synchronizes with Prigogine’s concept, “non-equilibrium is a

source of order .” 28 In other words, chaos, instability, and unpre- dictability are inherent elements in human development. That’s why D Ĉbrowski’s theory changed the attitudes of adults toward creative and gifted adolescents. It led to a better understanding of their inner psychological conflicts and elimi- nated the negative belief that they required medical treatment.

Creative people display symptoms of increased psychic excitability, nervousness, and psychoneuroses. On the one hand, increased psychic excitability is one of the basic causes of their inner conflict. On the other, this increased excitability creates a condition for a broader, deeper, and more complex pattern for their experiences. Nervousness and psychoneurotic symptoms are necessary forms of human growth that signal

positive transformation in gifted individuals. 29 Parents and educators need to know these signs and should create such conditions that gifted children and adolescents suffer less from unnecessary tension operating on lower

27 D Ĉbrowski, K. (1996). Multilevelness of emotional and instinctive functions. Lublin: Towarzystwo Naukowe Katolickiego Uniwersytetu Lubelskiego.

(p.11).

28 Prigogine, I. & Stengers, I. (1984). Order out of chaos. Toronto, New York, London, Sydney: Bantam Books.

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levels by activating the process of development to the more complex and higher levels. This kind of growth helps young people take the development into their own hands. Tension and mental disorder on the higher levels are much less and better conditions are being formed for the protection and prophylaxis against mental disorders.

In my lecture, I proposed a conceptual model of positive disintegration as a sequence of transitions from a point attractor (the primary integration), through a periodic attractor (the unilevel disintegration), to a chaotic attractor (the spontaneous multilevel disintegration) and continuous through the process of self-organization to an emerging order (the organized multilevel disintegration) and finally to an order with increasing complexity (the secondary integration).

The most interesting aspect of this is the third level of development—a spontaneous multilevel disintegration that is described by the chaotic attractor. This is a period of extensive differentiation of the psychological structure. Individuals recognize lower and higher levels of experiences and search for examples and models in their own environments. This level is characterized by an increasing role of inner conflict and a gradual decrease in the frequency of external conflict. Internal conflicts reflect a hierarchical structure of cognitive and emotional life—“what is” versus “what ought to be.” I proposed that this level of development often describes the behavior of middle adolescents.

When I was preparing this lecture, I suddenly remembered

a diary I’d written as a teenager. It was interesting to check what I’d experienced at that time and then compare how those experiences related to D Ĉbrowski’s theory. I was astonished to

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related to D Ĉbrowski’s dynamisms. He defined them as instinctual-emotional-cognitive forces fuelling and shaping emotional development.

The first phase of spontaneous multilevel disintegration is characterized by emotional-cognitive dynamisms, such as aston- ishment with oneself (the first phase in authentic self observation and the beginning of the desire to change), disquietude with oneself (the search for the meaning of one’s existence and a growing attitude of self-criticism with emotional tension and readiness toward inner psychic transformation), dissatisfaction with oneself (a critical and condemning attitude toward oneself accompa- nied by states of anxiety and depression), and feelings of inferiori- ty toward oneself (the simultaneous awareness of both the possi- bility of development and the sense of personal weakness). These dynamisms create states of self-observation, self- reflection, self-awakening, self-criticism, and self-awareness.

The following fragment, taken from my teenage diary, illustrates the complexity of my states then, moving from self- observation, through self-criticism to the desire for change:

I just finished reading, “Contemporary Youth”, by Jaworcza- kowa. It was a great book but made me depressed. In it, I learned that my peers were intelligent, open-minded, and full of energy. I don’t know if the author idealized those young people. Maybe I’m just stupid because I can’t formulate my thoughts clearly—I don’t even have my own thoughts! My greatest desire is to be able to express myself well and deepen my knowledge. I don’t know what’s going on

with me, but it’s not good. 30

Further emotional-cognitive development creates new, self-conscious emotions. Self-conscious emotions include

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embarrassment, shame, guilt, and pride. These emotions require self-evaluation and the ability to infer the mental states of others. Self-conscious emotions are important for helping individuals recognize and correct social mistakes, strengthen social bonds, renew commitments to relationships, and motivate

positive behavior. 31 They provide internal feedback about specific goals, expectations, and standards. Violation of social conventions may result in embarrassment. Violations of character ideals are associated with shame. Violations of rules,

related to harm, justice, and rights, relate to guilt. 32 The following diary selection illustrates my self-critical attitude as well as the shame and guilt I experienced with respect to my mother.

Tears express a variety of emotions—enjoyment, sadness, anger, delight, nervousness, self-doubt, and inner conflict. Ever since yesterday, I’ve been fighting with myself. I can’t get along with my brother. He’s not bad, but he’s stubborn like me and very hot- tem- pered. Above all, I think about my mom, how she suffers. I know how much bitterness is created by one quarrel. After each fight with my

brother, I find myself feeling low and inhuman. 33 In the third phase of spontaneous multilevel disintegration, positive maladjustment emerges. This is the dynamism of a conscious rejection of the standards and attitudes of one’s social environment that are in conflict with a growing awareness of higher values. The individual is in a process of adaptation

31 Tangney, J.P., Miller, R.S., Flicker, L., & Barlow, D.H. (1996). Are shame, guilt, and embarrassment distinct emotions? Journal of Personality and Social

Psychology , 70, 1256-1269.

32 Keltner, D., & Bushwell, B.N. (1997). Embarassment: its distinct form and appeasement functions. Psychologica Bulletin, 122, 250-270.

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toward higher hierarchies of value by expressing the drive toward accelerated development and self-perfection. This process also involves developing attitudes of autonomy and au- thenticity. The dynamism of positive maladjustment is related

to the understanding of others and their needs. 34 Other entries from my diary at eighteen illustrate those emotions more graphically.

I think I’m bad. I’m trying to change myself and become more feminine. But I also want to be more serious, more thoughtful and more considerate of my parents. I love and respect them so much. Just writing these words makes me almost cry. My mother is so good and so peaceful. I also need to spend more time with my father—he can teach me so much.

I promise to read more poetry. I promise to be more helpful to my mom and dad. I promise not to argue with my brother and to control my anger better . 35 I’m constantly asking myself why families can’t be more harmo- nious. Why do people create wars that bring so much destruction, tragedy, and grief? Why do they constantly erupt in anger, hate, and contempt? At this moment, I feel so bad that it’s difficult to imagine it being worse.

O! How much I yearn for a soul mate who could share my con- cerns, anxieties, and doubts. Someone I could trust completely. 36 According to D Ĉbrowski, the development of young people is impossible without transitioning through a “chaotic” process of nervousness and psychoneuroses, external and internal conflicts, and positive maladjustment. The positive maladjustment

34 D Ĉbrowski, K. (1973). The dynamics of concepts. London:Gryf. 35 Troszkiewicz, K. (1966). Diary of seventeen year old girl. Unpublished

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helps to reorganize a disintegrated mental structure and transform it into a more ordered one.

Later, I changed this lecture into a paper that was pub- lished in the Roeper Review, A Journal on Gifted Education. 37 I included this theory in many presentations at a variety of con- ferences and it became the theme of my doctoral dissertation. I hoped that a new generation of psychologists and educators would be able to continue D Ĉbrowski’s work by utilizing the dynamic, nonlinear, and complex perspectives and by applying the concepts and techniques of Chaos Theory.

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Quiet Accumulation