Feeling Life. Patterns of Emotions

Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

Copyright © 2014 by Laycraft, Krystyna C., Ph.D.

FEELING LIFE: Patterns of Emotions

ISBN# 978-0-9937359-1-2

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be recorded, re- produced, or stored in any form without the express written consent of the author.

Published by: AwareNow Publishing ( www.awarenow.ca ). Victoria, BC, Canada. First printing – June 2014

Editor: Rick Mickelson

Book Designer: Louise Beinhauer

Printer: First Choice Books, Victoria, BC

Cover: Mixed media artwork “Consciousness” by Krystyna C. Laycraft

Also by Krystyna C. Laycraft Creativity as an Order through Emotions: A Study of creative

Adolescents and Young Adults

A Journey Through The Lands of Feelings

For My Dearest Mother

People become significant and creative in their own spheres, as they have developed more trust of the processes going on within themselves, and have dared to feel their own feelings, live by values which they discover within, and express them- selves in their own unique ways.

Carl R. Rogers, On Becoming a Person

Our hopes, fears, and desires influence how we think, per- ceive, and remember.

Joseph LeDoux, Synaptic Self

Feeling Life |i

Table of Contents

INTRODUCTION iii BREAKTHROUGH

1 RESOLVING CHAOS

8 OBSTRUCTION

13 HOLDING TOGETHER

17 OPPRESSION

25 PROGRESS

29 LIBERATION

33 FOLLOWING

39 SPLITTING APART

42 FELLOWSHIP

47 CONDUCT

51 RETREAT

56 QUIET ACCUMULATION

62 GREAT STRENGTH

67 PEACE

72 TEMPTATION

75 WANDERER

80 THE CREATIVE

82 ORDER

PUSHING UPWARD 102 FINAL CONCLUSIONS

110 APPENDIX

The Psycho-Evolutionary Theory of Emotions 112

Revision and Extension of the Psycho- Evolutionary Theory of Emotions

Feeling Life | iii

“ Introduction “

The book, “Feeling Life,” has emerged through a process of reflective meditation. I reflected upon and deeply explored my actions, choices, and decisions. My persistence in the process of understanding, interpreting and evaluating led to the discovery of unexpected and surprising aspects of my life. I discovered a richness of emotions I’d experienced during the significant

events in my life and learned how these emotions guided me through complex, difficult and challenging situations.

I organize this book into twenty chapters that contain the special emotional events from my life. At the end of each chapter, I summarize and analyze the emotions that were ex- perienced during the specific episode, and then generate the emotional patterns by applying Plutchik’s Theory of Emo-

tions 1 (see Appendix). These patterns served as a conceptual tool to enhance an understanding of the role of emotions in my life. Because of experienced emotions, I remember and retrieve these events with great clarity and intensity and can experi- ence them again and again in an almost similar way to those experienced during the original event. Can you imagine how boring and colorless our lives would be without great stories to tell that contain an abundant variety of emotions?

1 Plutchik, R. (1980). Emotion. A Psychoevolutionary Synthesis. New York, 1 Plutchik, R. (1980). Emotion. A Psychoevolutionary Synthesis. New York,

According to Sartre, 2 emotions are mechanisms that link impulsive actions to those perceived and experienced. He writes, “The emotional consciousness is primarily consciousness of the world…It is obvious indeed that the man who is frightened is afraid of something…In a word, the emotional subject and the object of the emotion are united in an indissoluble synthesis. Emotion is a specific manner of apprehending the world.”

Emotions can be shaped by focal attention. Attention can be directed either toward oneself, or external objects of percep- tion. It is tied to what the event means to each individual.

Emotion thus transforms the world. Sartre 3 writes: “In every emotion, a multitude of affective pretensions extends into the future and presents it in an emotional light” .

It is the predictive character of emotion that is important in making decisions. My life stories provide direct evidence that

emotions influence making decision.

Damasio (1994) proposes that emotions play an essential role in decision-making. He argues that when we make a choice, a variety of mental images or thoughts regarding that choice appear and disappear continuously in consciousness. We

also experience some feelings related to the choice. Damasio calls these thoughts and feelings “somatic markers” because they come from the body. They may lead to the rejection of some options or to the acceptance of others. He defines somatic markers as “a special instance of feelings generated from secondary

2 Sartre, J-P. (2002). Sketch for a theory of the emotions. London and New York: Routledge Classics (pp.34-35).

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emotions. Those emotions and feelings have been connected, by learn- ing, to the predicted future outcomes of certain scenarios. 4 ” Loewenstein and Lerner 5 distinguish two ways that emo- tions impact decision-making. One involves the expected emo- tions, which consist of predictions regarding the consequences of decisions and another involves the immediate emotions, which are actually experienced during the actual decision-

making process. They think that most theories of decision making include only expected emotions and assume that peo- ple predict the emotional consequences associated with alter-

native courses of action and then choose the actions that will maximize positive emotions and minimize negative emotions. Loewenstein and Lerner propose that the essential role in de- cision-making involves immediate emotions that direct atten- tion to important events, provide useful information about different courses of action, and generate the motivation neces- sary to implement a chosen course of action. The main benefit of expected emotions is that they guide behaviours affecting the long-term consequences of one’s actions, while the main benefit of immediate emotions is that they provide infor-

mation about the key intangibles not captured by expected emotions. Other researchers 6 suggest that emotions influence the choice, intensity and duration of actions. They also argue that emotional intensity leads to high quality performance.

4 Damasio, A. (1994). Descartes’error. Emotion, reason, and human brain. Pen- guin Books . (p.174).

5 Loewenstein, G., and Lerner, J.S. (2003). The role of affect in decision making. In R.J.Davidson, K.R. Scherer & H.H. Goldsmith (Eds.), (pp. 619-

642) Handbook of Affective Sciences. Oxford University Press. 6 Seo, M., Barrett, L.F., and Bartunek, J.M. (2004). The role of affective 642) Handbook of Affective Sciences. Oxford University Press. 6 Seo, M., Barrett, L.F., and Bartunek, J.M. (2004). The role of affective

Freeman 7 (2000) identifies emotion as the anticipation of intentional action. He writes: “The key characteristic is that the action wells up from within the organism. It is not a reflex. It is di- rected toward some future state, which is being determined by the organism in conjunction with its perception of its evolving condition and its history ”.

Plutchik 8 (1980) goes beyond Darwin’s idea that emotions are adaptive reactions to the basic problems of life. He says primary emotions come in pairs of opposites—one for adapt- ing to positive situations (opportunities), and one for adapting to problematic situations (obstacles).

Frijda 9 goes even further by proposing that emotions are not guided primarily by seeking to adapt to environmental niches, but rather by expanding those niches. He proposes that emotional experiences provide novel motivations and knowledge that lead to entirely new emotions and actions. Frijda writes, “It creates future: the awareness of future that allows true intentions .” For example, emotions such as joy, interest, curiosity, and creativity expand the domain of activities and skills. Individuals feel “at home” in a wider environment ex- panded by their knowledge and imagination. Frijda suggests that such expansions also promote growth in the world of emotions.

7 Freeman, W.J. (2000). Emotion is Essential to All Intentional Behaviors. In Marc.D. Lewis and Isabela Granic (Eds.), Emotion, Development, and Self-

Organization. Dynamic Systems Approches to Emotional Development (pp.209- 235). Cambridge University Press (p. 214).

8 Plutchik, R. (1980). Emotion. A Psychoevolutionary Synthesis. New York, Cambridge, Philadelphia, San Francisco, London, mexico City, Sao Paulo,

Sydney: Harper & Row, Publishers.

Feeling Life |1

“ Breakthrough “

On Christmas night, 1989, my husband and I decided to watch the news on television. For almost four years we hadn’t watched television at all. We wanted our children to focus on creative activities instead wasting their time watching foolish television programs. But this night was different. We wanted to see with our own eyes what was going on in Eastern Eu- rope. The first images we saw, to our complete shock, in- volved the execution of Romanian Dictator Nicolae Ceausescu

and his wife Elena. We’d heard and read about the political situation in Eastern Europe, but didn’t imagine that the changes would be so dramatic. We were thrilled with those changes and started to think about returning to Poland. We’d lived in Calgary for almost eight years. We worked at the Uni-

versity of Calgary, had a group of mostly Polish friends, and were Canadian citizens. However, we still hadn’t really put our roots in Canadian soil.

This particular Christmas night was exceptional. I just couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t get those horrid images of Ceausescu’s execution out of my mind. I was thinking about our decision and, for the first time, felt a fear of the unknown regarding the new Poland. We didn’t know where we’d be staying when we returned to Warsaw because I’d rented our apartment to the brother of my school friend Jolka and his wife. When we had decided to return to Poland, I sent a letter informing them about our decision and asking them to move out of the apartment. A few months passed and they still

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cities, there was an enormous shortage of apartments for young families at that time. Any available apartments were going to be outrageously expensive.

I started to worry about what would happen if Jolka’s brother didn’t move out. Where would we live? We still had five months to prepare for this big move, as well as sell our home and all our belongings. We also had to quit our jobs and pack all the essential things we would need for the first few months in Poland. I constantly thought about my future in democratic Poland. One possibility was to open a private school in Warsaw. I’d always dreamt about running my own school.

During those eight years in Calgary, we’d created a small school for our children and the children of our Polish friends. The idea of creating that school emerged while I was working as a physics instructor at the University of Calgary. I’d been surprised by the lack of student preparation for university study and felt that Canadian undergraduates needed more training, especially in mathematics and physics. Their level of education was comparable to the levels of vocational students in Warsaw where I’d been teaching physics part-time when our children were small.

When our kids were young, it was easy to teach them be- cause they were excited about learning new things. But when they approached junior levels, it became more and more diffi- cult. They started to protest and resist additional schooling. We had to find some new methods to attract them to educa- tional activities. We contacted Polish friends who had children the same age as Bartek and Bogusia and who agreed with our idea of opening a school where kids would be taught a variety

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excited and offered their full support. Stefan, a doctor and scientist from Foothills Hospital, wanted to teach Polish histo- ry, Janusz, a computer programmer, offered to teach the theo- ry of computers, Jurek decided to teach chemistry and biology, Andrzej, a geologist, wanted to teach geography, and I decid-

ed to teach physics and mathematics. We had a problem find- ing someone to teach Polish literature, but finally, a young female teacher from Poland contacted us and expressed a de- sire to teach it even though she didn’t have any children of her own.

We prepared a room in the basement of our home for the classes. Jurek built tables and stools for the kids and I decorat-

ed the area with maps and other educational materials. Twice per week, children gathered at our home and quickly adjusted to those activities. They became a real community and thor- oughly enjoyed the companionship of each other. They called this school “Ark.” Janusz designed a logo and I put it on the certificates that were given to the kids who finished their courses.

On this strange Christmas night, a variety of images from the eight years living in Canada flew through my mind. I knew that it would be our last Christmas here. I remembered another Christmas without Jurek, when martial law had been

declared in Poland. At that time, I was ready for the journey to Canada, but the senseless martial law had blocked my plans— plans for living in a free country, plans for being with Jurek, and plans for giving our children a better life. Travelling abroad was very limited in a communistic system. I remem- bered how long I struggled to get passports and visas for our children and myself to come to Canada.

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Now we were going back to Poland. Why? I was totally confused. I knew that our decision was real and that in five short months we’d be living in Poland. Our lives in Canada had been much better for us than our lives under Polish com- munism. Both of us were employed at a Canadian university; we had a nice house; we were surrounded by friendly people and we had enough money for vacations and entertainment.

But we always felt like we were only in Canada temporarily and that we’d be going back home after a long vacation. We came here because of the great employment opportunities and the hopeless situation in Poland. But now, as Poland became a democratic country, we felt deeply that we should go home and do something positive for our own people. Poland attract-

ed us like a seductive lover. Where did its power come from? I asked myself why we were attracted to this difficult and chal- lenging country, to its language and culture, to its rich but tragic history. The images of my parents and former friends came to my mind.

I’d started to experience feelings of dissatisfaction with my life in Canada. It had become too stable and predictable. I felt like I needed a change. Moving back to Poland would provide this change. I’d never been a fearful person—on the contrary, I was curious, courageous and open to new challenges. I’d al- ways joked that I felt good in chaos and knew intuitively that in chaos, something interesting could happen.

I was curious about the changes in Eastern Europe and ac- cepted them completely. But the images of the execution of Ceausescu intensified my anxiety. I was concerned about our children who were approaching the difficult period of adoles-

cence. How would they grow in these new conditions? We’d

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whether it had been enough. Would their classmates accept them? I believed in their strength and resilience, but how would they feel there? I began to doubt our decision. I likened it to a black hole that sucked all my energy, thoughts, and feelings.

Immediate Emotions

Attention toward the world

Initially, my attention was directed toward the political situation in Eastern Europe. Because I cared deeply for what was going on in Poland, news about the changes there evoked the emotions of surprise, delight (surprise & joy), and curiosity (surprise & acceptance). These elated emotions became an emotional turning point of decisive significance for my family and me. Curiosity and joy created an emotional state of attrac- tion/temptation . My attention was continually focused on Polish news. It was like an obsession that triggered the idea of returning to my native land.

Attention toward myself

Next, my attention shifted toward myself. I felt disquietude, tension , and restlessness (anticipation & surprise & fear). My life was too predictable and I needed some changes. I thought returning to Poland might bring some solutions to my life. Slowly, this vague idea transformed itself into a real decision to return to Poland.

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Attention toward the children

Subsequently, my attention shifted to my children who meant everything to me. I was ultimately responsible for their lives so the uncertainty of living in Poland made me feel confused (anticipation & surprise), nervous (surprise & fear), and anxious (anticipation & fear). I started to have doubts about my decision.

Expected Emotions

In spite of my doubts, I felt enthusiastic/willing (anticipation & acceptance & joy), open-minded (anticipation & acceptance & surprise), and hopeful (anticipation & joy & sadness). I was very much oriented to the future and anticipated it with a feel- ing of uncertainty. I reasoned that things might, or might not work out, and felt that the future would bring either joy and happiness or sadness and disappointment.

I was also ready to welcome the unknown (anticipation & joy & surprise). That meant not being locked into a particular way of doing things, but appreciating some new possibilities.

My objective was to bring joy, happiness and satisfaction into my life by living and working in my own country, creat- ing my own school, being with my parents, and connecting with my old friends. But I was also aware that the move might generate disappointment because it involved leaving a great country, quitting an interesting job, saying goodbye to many friends and exposing my kids to unknown hardships. The antic- ipated future could bring forth the concurrent experiences of both joy and sadness. However, my optimism and courage (antic- ipation & joy) were much stronger than my pessimism (anticipa-

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possibilities that might involve a loss of the stability and secu- rity we had known in Canada. I believed in my ability to ap- ply the skills that would attain the goals I had created. In short, I was confident (anticipation & anger & acceptance) in my capacity to survive in difficult and challenging conditions.

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“ Resolving Chaos “

The first time I went to Canada without children. Poland was still under martial law then. Jurek sent me a telegram from Calgary saying he was in a hospital and needed me. That night when I received that telegram I was typing up some Sol- idarity material.

Suddenly, I heard a knock at my door. “Who could come so late at night to my home? Maybe the neighbours saw a light in my apartment or heard me typing and denounced me to government officials. ” This thought passed through my mind like lightning

through the air. I immediately hid the typewriter under my bed, and broke into a cold sweat. I was both furious and frightened. Then I ran like a zombie into the hall and, through

a little hole in the doorway, saw a soldier. “My God, they’re coming for me. They’ll arrest me. What’ll happen to Bogusia and Bartek? ” I was shocked and traumatized. I opened the door and saw a young soldier who greeted me with a nice smile and handed me a yellow piece of paper. He said, “This is a telegram from Canada. Because post offices are closed, our responsi- bility is to deliver telegrams.” With relief, I took the telegram and closed the door behind me. I was shaking as I looked at the piece paper without any comprehension about what it said. It was too much for me.

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That night, I experienced the intense emotions of surprise, anger and fear. When they combined with each other, second- ary emotions were created. I felt the strong emotions of alarm and panic (surprise & fear), regarding what might happen to my children. My thoughts that someone had denounced me evoked outrage (surprise & anger). Finally, a combination of anger and fear created a state of frozenness, and attentive immo- bility . I found myself in a hopeless position. I was caught in a “fight” or “flight” situation, but was able to remain mentally alert.

Slowly, I calmed down and began to understand the tele- gram. It said, “I’m in a hospital and need you. Bring Bogusia and Bartek. Jurek.” Jurek was telling the truth. He worked in that hospital as a postdoctoral researcher and did need me. Later, I found out that he thought the telegram would help me get passports and visas for our family by enabling the officials to allow me to come to Canada. Alas, it was not so easy with the Communist administration. An official, who had the power to decide who could get a passport, stated authoritatively, “If your husband needs you, you can go by yourself to help him and find

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kids with you. We’re giving you permission to go for one month. After that, you must return to Poland. ” I was devastated.

There was no communication or transportation between Po- land and the outside world—it was a completely closed state. I couldn’t send him this news, or phone him. I was completely confused. I wanted to see my husband, but what was I going to do with our children? I couldn’t sleep so around four a.m. I called my father for advice. I knew I could count on him and after listening to me, he said, “I think you should go and decide what to do next later. Bogusia and Bartek can stay with us for the month .” This was great advice that gave me energy for action. I decided to go to Jurek. Surprisingly, I was able to book a seat on

a Canadian aircraft reserved for Canadians who worked in Po- land, but wanted to leave Poland in this uncertain environment. This plane was to fly to Montreal. There I would have to disem- bark and catch another plane to Calgary. Poland was a country in a state of confusion and there were no regular flights to Can- ada. I’d been very lucky to get this particular trip.

In two days, I was ready for departure. I packed a small suitcase, kissed the kids and my parents, and promised them I’d be back in a month. A friend of mine, Danuta, took me to the airport. On the way, I constantly heard Bartek’s sweet goodbye in my head, “Mom, don’t worry. During your absence, I’ll be work- ing on grandpa and grandma to become Solidarity supporters.”

In Montreal, I had to wait for four hours for the flight to Calgary. I called Jurek and informed him when I’d get to Cal- gary. I also told him that I was travelling without the kids. He shouted into the phone: “Why? Why? Why?”

“I’ll explain later,” I replied. The month passed quickly. We spent most of the time look-

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easy task. Finally, with the help of friendly people from the Polish Consulate, we found a flight to Warsaw through Am-

sterdam. I promised Jurek that I’d do everything I could to come back—with the children. We hoped that the government policies would change soon. Martial law couldn’t last forever. As promised, on June 1, (the Day of the Child – Dzien Dziecka ), I appeared at the front door of my parents’ apart- ment. It was a happy surprise for all of us. I brought presents for everyone. I bought a unique series of Smurfs for Bartek and Bogusia and some salami and smoked salmon for my mother. These gifts were rarities during those tough times. Bartek and Bogusia were ecstatic to see me. In my suitcase, Bogusia spotted the Dutch clogs I’d bought for her in Amster- dam while waiting for my connection back to Warsaw. She tried them on and was so fascinated with them that she went to sleep without taking them off. For the next few days she marched proudly to kindergarten with those wooden shoes clattering noisily on the pavement.

This trip had energized me and given me new hope. I had

a clear plan to return to Canada. First of all, I had to talk to Jurek’s professor and ask him to sign the documents, which would allow him to continue to stay in Canada. He was sup- posed to do that task a long ago, but somehow forgot.

I also learned that the Polish military council was begin- ning to become more lenient for families who had been sepa- rated by martial law. They created a new rule allowing family members to apply for passports so as to join any kin living outside of Poland. I applied immediately for passports for each member of our family.

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When my passport application was rejected I was com- pletely shocked and devastated (surprise & rejection). I felt disap- pointed (surprise & sadness), and outraged (surprise & anger). I

was in an emotional state of misery, unhappiness (rejection & sadness) and confusion (surprise & anticipation). I decided to ask for my father’s advice then accepted it with joy. It gave me energy and spurred me into further action. After visiting Jurek in Canada, I was optimistic and enthusiastic (joy & anticipation & acceptance), and had a clear plan on how to organize our journey to Canada (anticipation & acceptance).

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“ Obstruction “

I had one more problem to solve. My mother-in-law was opposed to me leaving Poland. She was afraid of being left alone during this difficult time. Her health was deteriorating and she had symptoms of malnutrition. On a few occasions I had to accompany her to a hospital because she had a strange feeling that her head had come away from the rest of her body. None of the doctors knew how to help her. They sug- gested she relax and eat properly. “But how could anyone eat properly during that difficult period?” Everything was in short supply and she didn’t have the energy to line up for food. I frequently had to bring her the basics such as bread, butter, and meat. But I wasn’t able to check what she was actually eating on a daily basis. Once my departure became a reality, my mother--in--law became more and more fearful about be- ing left alone without help from me.

Finally, I got an idea about how to solve this problem. I suggested she apply for a passport and to go to Gainesville, Florida, where her daughter worked as a university biologist. She’d received a letter informing her that her daughter had giv- en birth to a second child and needed her help. That letter could serve as a document that would support her passport applica- tion. At first, my mother-in-law rejected this idea out of hand. She’d never imagined living in a foreign country, even if sur- rounded by her own family. However, in the end, she agreed to my plan so I filled out the passport application and included

14 | Krystyna C. Laycraft

asked her whether or not she’d received a letter from the gov- ernment. She said, “A few days ago, I got a letter, but didn’t open it because I was sure they rejected my application .” I jumped with excitement. “Please, show it to me. We’ll see what they wrote,” I said. My mother-in-law then handed me the letter.

I couldn’t believe what I was reading. They’d agreed to is- sue her a passport and informed her that she could pick it up anytime during regular office hours. Both my mother-in-law and I were in a state of utter disbelief. “Wow!!! This implies that significant changes are happening. They’re beginning to treat people like human beings,”

I exclaimed.

My mother-in-law got her passport, but also needed an American Visa. How was she going to get one? I thought about the American family who came to stay in my home in Warsaw before there was martial law. I knew that Sharyn, the mother of the family, was working in the American Embassy and might be able to help us get a visa. I contacted her and asked if she could do it. She replied, “Yes, of course. Please, bring me your mother-in-law’s passport. I’ll be waiting for you to- morrow at the gate for American citizens. Please come at nine in the morning.”

A few days later I had both the passport and the American Visa. The next step was to book a flight to Florida that left on the same day as my flight. I was able to get her on the same plane

I was taking to Montreal. After that, she would go to Gaines- ville, and I would fly to Calgary. Everything was arranged. I knew that it would be a very difficult journey. I asked my mother-in-law not to pack heavy things, but she didn’t listen to me. When I came to pick her up, she was wearing a mantle and a fur hat and was carrying a huge leather bag with some

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“My God, mother, you’ll soon get tired carrying all this. I asked you to travel lightly,”

I whispered to her with disappointment. I also requested that she refrain from smoking on the plane, as Bartek was very sensitive to the smell of cigarettes. However, the minute my mother-in-law found out that she was sitting in the plane’s smoking section, she took out a cigarette and lit it. Bartek looked at her and with anger said, “You promised me yesterday that you wouldn’t smoke during our trip. What the heck are you doing? I can’t trust you anymore. I’ll never write to you.”

The worst thing happened in Montreal. We had to change airports, pick up our belongings, and transfer by bus to anoth- er airport. I placed all four suitcases on a luggage cart and tried to move it swiftly through a crowd of people, constantly checking to see if they were lost. Bartek, Bogusia, and my mother-in-law, followed me quietly. It was a strange world for all of them and they certainly didn’t want to lose me. When I was approaching an escalator, one of the bags suddenly shift-

ed and all the suitcases fell out and blocked the entrance to the stairs. Some people were passing this mess quietly, but some were making angry comments, which I didn’t understand. Finally, a young man started helping me by putting our be- longings back on the cart. My mother-in-law was so tired that she barely got up to the coach and then sat quietly all the way to the next airport. When I realized how bad she felt, I helped her carry the heavy leather bag with “china”, then asked her to sit still and breathe deeply. I was worried that she might have

a heart attack! Then I approached an American Lines counter and told one of the agents that my mother-in-law was in a rough state and needed special care. A young stewardess then approached us and took her right up to the entrance of her

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relief. We had to wait another two hours for our connection to Calgary, where Jurek was waiting impatiently for us. He

hadn’t seen his kids in two years.

During our journey to Canada, I felt very happy (joy & sur- prise), and excited (joy & anticipation), that we were going to join Jurek and come together as a family again. But, I had a lot of uncertainty (anticipation & surprise), anxiety (anticipation & fear), and doubt (anticipation & surprise & fear) about our fu- ture. I was also disappointed (surprise & sadness), annoyed, and irritated (surprise & anger) by my mother-in-law’s behaviour. Fortunately, I was able to control my emotions because I un- derstood she was an old, sick person, and this trip was the biggest one in her life.

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“ Holding Together “

One day, soon after I got home from work, the phone rang. “Krysia?” my mother-in-law shouted into the phone. “Can you come to see me? I’ve got some strange Americans with me and they’re carrying a letter from Magda. I don’t understand them and don’t know what they want from me. I’ll keep them outside on the stairs. You know how to speak English, so you’ll know what they want.”

“Ok,” I answered calmly, “But first I have to pick up Bo- gusia from kindergarten and Bartek from my parent’s place— then I’ll come. I’ll be there in about half an hour.”

When we approached her apartment, I saw four people sit- ting on the stairs so I introduced myself and apologized in broken English for my mother-in-law’s behaviour. I explained that she didn’t understand English and had been very sick lately. All four of them rose quickly and introduced them- selves. They were a family of four—James and Sharyn the par- ents, and Steve and Rebecca their children. They were wearing very light, almost white overcoats, which were totally unsuit- able for a Polish November. The weather is usually windy, rainy, and very cold then. I knocked on my mother-in-law’s door and told her that I was taking them to my apartment. They were surprised that I’d walked there rather than travel- ling by car. I explained to them that we didn’t have a car and relied on public transportation. “It will take about twenty minutes to walk to my place and I’ll help you with your lug-

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walked very slowly. The Americans were tired after the long trip from Gainesville. Bartek was trying to push Steve’s bags. On the way home, I wondered how I was going to put them up in our small apartment. Where would they sleep?

Most of the time, they were quiet—keenly observing the streets and buildings. James was more talkative than the rest. He explained how they’d received a letter from their close friend Magda, who was my husband’s sister. James was a graduate student at the same university where she was work- ing as a postdoctoral researcher. When Magda learned that James had received a Fulbright research scholarship to study Polish advertising in relation to its economics, she wrote a letter to her mom requesting help during their first days in Poland. Magda was not aware of the psychic and physical conditions of her mother. She didn’t expect her mother’s reac- tion. In my opinion, a research study on advertising in Poland was a joke. The Polish economy had collapsed completely and there was no need for advertising products which only ap- peared sporadically in stores while people waited in long lines for hours to buy them. However, I didn’t say anything, I just nodded.

As we approached our apartment, I noticed traces of fear on the faces of both Steve and Rebecca. “The faces of children don’t lie,” I thought. They might have been afraid because our apartment was in the worst part of Warsaw. The buildings hadn’t been renovated since World War II and bullet holes and decaying walls could be noticed everywhere. The streets were not usually cleaned for weeks because there was no money for basic services. Piles of garbage, old papers, clothes, and wine bottles lay in the entrances to apartment buildings.

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I was embarrassed and ashamed of my country because disorder and disorganization had become normal. In my dark- est moments I felt hopeless. That’s why I continually dreamt about a Poland that could make its citizens feel proud, secure, and happy. That’s why I became one of the first members of the Solidarity movement, which had started to organize spon- taneously at the Technical University where I worked. I hoped that organized action could introduce radical changes in Po- land. The word “change” was the most common word spoken in the discussions of Poles at that time. It was not feasible to live properly and raise healthy children in this system. That was why, even for a short period, I wanted to join Jurek in Canada. I wanted to experience a different life and to give our children a chance to live in better conditions. But, from the other side, I wanted to be active and involved in the fight against this monster of Communism. I also felt that my old parents needed me, but they never complained that I was planning to leave them. Rather, they encouraged me to go and experience a better life. I was confused about what to do in this difficult and complex situation.

It was sad that this lovely family came all the way across the world to such a mess in Poland. Nobody knew what was going to happen next. “Why didn’t they check out the situa- tion in Poland before coming here? How could they survive in these rough conditions without basic Polish living skills? I’ll have to help them and teach them how to survive,” I thought.

I knew that by bringing them to our apartment, I could have some trouble with the local officials, but I didn’t care. I didn’t think about it because I wasn’t going to live like a fearful mouse.

20 | Krystyna C. Laycraft

When we entered our apartment, I asked them to put their luggage in the children’s bedroom where they would be sleep- ing. There were two beds and I brought two additional mat- tresses in. Bogusia and Bartek were excited that they would be sleeping in my room. Bartek would sleep on a folded bed while Bogusia would sleep with me.

They were very thirsty, so James grabbed a cup and ran to take some tap water. However, I stopped him and explained that water always had to be boiled first. Then I quickly pre- pared a simple dinner and asked them about their plans for the next few days. James had to go to the university to check out where he’d be working, but Sharyn didn’t have any plans.

I’d been very busy at the University with two students who were finishing their theses under my supervision. They knew I was going to leave Poland soon, but still required a lot of help. I’d already postponed my trip to Canada a few times so that my students could finish their theses. The first reserva- tion had been set for November 17th, then it changed to the 1st of December and finally to December 15th. Jurek was not pleased with these changes as he’d already rented an apart- ment for the whole family, and paid a lot of money for it.

Because Sharyn wanted to stay home and help me prepare meals, I gave her instructions on how and what to buy when she went to the market. I made a list of all the products which were needed for the next few days and taught Sharyn how to pronounce their names. The most often served meal was “lazy pirogues” prepared from flour and cottage cheese by mixing these ingredients together, making them into a long snake, cutting them into small pieces, and then throwing them into boiling water.

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The next day, when I returned from work, I found out that James hadn’t been able to get into the university because the students were controlling the entrance. They were only allow- ing the people with identification cards to enter. Unfortunate- ly, he didn’t have such a card. He required a photo of himself to get one so I promised to go to the university with him the next day to assist him in this pursuit.

I often invited my close friends, Waldek and Andrzej, to help me bring coal up from the cellar and make a fire in the furnace. This had been Jurek’s responsibility, but before his trip to Canada he’d asked them to help me with this task. They were surprised to see strange people in our apartment. I intro- duced them to the American family and asked them to speak English in their presence. Waldek was in heaven having a chance to speak English and started to eloquently describe the political and economic situation in Poland. He portrayed the state of our country in such dark colors that James and Sharyn became seriously worried about their lives. “I’m so surprised that you came here without doing any research into what’s going on in Poland. You can’t imagine what can happen here—inevitably they will shoot people and blood will flow,” Waldek told them. The night he told them that, a light stayed on in their room for a long time.

The American family stayed in our home for two weeks while I searched for an apartment for them. Finally, a col- league from my work gave me the name of a person who had an apartment for rent. It wasn’t cheap, but fortunately was in a very good part of Warsaw and they would feel safe there. One afternoon, I showed them this apartment. They were excited about having their own place. It was a small three-room

22 | Krystyna C. Laycraft

apartment in a new building that was considered extravagant by Polish standards.

A very funny incident happened when they went to see the apartment. James asked quietly, “Krysia, can you ask the landlord where the cellar is and if there’s enough coal for the winter?” I answered, also in a very quiet voice, “Don’t worry about that. I’ll tell you later why you don’t need to ask this question.” Living with us, James thought all apartments were heated by coal or firewood and didn’t realize that coal or wood furnaces only existed in old buildings. In new buildings, apartments were heated by hot water coming from a central power station. These two ways of heating apartments had pos- itive and negative features. Having a coal furnace involved a lot of work because you had to order the coal and create the fire. But at least that way people could rely on themselves to adjust how hot they wanted their places. On the other hand, in the new buildings, people could not control the central heating system and very often suffered from the cold. I knew that be- cause my parents lived in an apartment with a central heating system and my mother was constantly complaining about how cold it was, starting as early as November. The first day you could start heating apartments was the 15 th of November.

I never figured out who made that decision. Why couldn’t they be flexible and allow heating to occur in relation to the actual weather?

During the two weeks that the American family lived with us, I took them to stores, markets, parks, museums, and cine- mas. Often, their twelve--year--old son made very interesting comments. For example, when he saw rows of empty shelves in a store with only a few bottles of vinegar, he said, “There’s a

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there are many products, but not many people. But in Polish stores, there are a lot of people, but not very many products.”

We had a great time together. My English skills had im- proved by then. I showed them the TOEFL exams and they tried to take some tests. They were surprised at how difficult they were and very often got the wrong answers.

The American family had a roof under their heads during their first days in Warsaw and an enthusiastic guide and advi- sor who taught them how to live in this difficult time.

At first, their arrival during this critical period in Polish history evoked complete surprise in me, which gradually changed to disbelief (surprise & anticipation), and curiosity (surprise & acceptance). But, I’d learned to accept and even welcome the unexpected. I opened myself to this family by inviting them to live in our apartment and accepted them completely. In spite of all the external difficulties, it was a very joyous and delightful (surprise & joy), period in our lives. We learned about each other by overcoming many challenges to- gether. Through this very difficult time we became very re- sourceful (anticipation & acceptance), and optimistic (anticipa- tion & joy). We were also able to build some beautiful friend- ships (acceptance & joy).

24 | Krystyna C. Laycraft

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“ Oppression “

Two days before my journey to Canada, I waited for a phone call from Jurek. Three large suitcases had been prepared and were ready for the trip. I’d packed the most essential items required for the first few months in this new country. Usually, Jurek called at about 6:00 a.m. By 6:30 a.m. I still hadn’t received his call and was starting to get a bit nervous. “What’s going on? Why isn’t he calling? ” I checked the phone—there was no signal. Then I checked to see if it was plugged in, thinking that the kids could have disconnected it while playing. The phone was con- nected so my anxiety started to build. I then switched on the TV, and was shocked to see General Jaruzelski giving a speech, “Our homeland is on the edge of an abyss. The achievement of many generations and the entire Polish nation that has been built from dust are about to turn into ruins. The conflicts, misunderstandings, hated causes, and moral crises have now surpassed the limits of toleration. Chaos and demoralization have reached the magnitude of a catastrophe and our people have reached the limit of their toleration. Many are struck with despair. The responsibility that falls on me at this dra- matic moment in Polish history is huge. Today I declare that the Mili- tary Council of National Salvation has been formed. In accordance with the Constitution, this State Council has imposed martial law throughout the entire country.”

“What does that mean? What is martial law?” I asked myself. Then I ran to check the meaning of martial law in the encyclo- paedia. It read, “Martial law is the imposition of military rule by

26 | Krystyna C. Laycraft

the regular civilian government fails to function effectively .” I was in shock and disbelief. I feared that my trip to Canada would

be cancelled, but I hoped that wouldn’t happen. I decided to wake Bartek and Bogusia and ask Krzysztof if he knew what was going on. Since he was an Army Officer, and the father of one of Bartek’s school friends, I thought he’d know. We went out onto the street and found that every building wall was posted with martial law proclamations—Obwieszczenie.

Many people had gathered and were energetically discuss- ing these postings. Like me, they were in absolute shock. Most of them knew the situation was serious but nobody expected

something as drastic as this. I met Krzysztof on the stairs of his building. He greeted me, and said without hesitation, “Krysia, it’s really serious. You won’t be able to go. All the borders are closed and all flights to foreign countries are cancelled .” I couldn’t believe it and decided to take a taxi to the airport to check my flights. Before I did, I went to my parent’s home. They hugged the kids and me to give us energy for any future struggles. I left the children with my parents, ran out into the street, and hailed a taxi. The driver told me he’d just returned from the airport and noted that tanks and soldiers were blocking the highway there.

The next day, my friend Danusia visited me and brought me some information about friends who’d been jailed during the night. All of a sudden, soldiers had apprehended them in their pyjamas, not even giving them a chance to put on their winter clothes. Danusia had already contacted an organiza- tion, which had been able to get those interned activists some of their personal belongings. Danusia and I began to ask re- ceptive people to donate warm clothing to those who’d been

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to her wardrobe and took out my father’s best sweater. She then handed it to me. “Here, give this to the prisoners,” she said, “They need it more than we do.”

The days continued to pass without any hope for im- provement. Because of martial law, my friends could no long- er stay at our place. Food supplies were now worse than they