The Mother – Daughter Relationship

5. The Mother-Children Relationship

According to Allers 245, the most intimate all of forms association between two people is found in the relationship between mother and children. A mother is the one who has the most intimate contact with the children. The closeness of their relationship can not be compared even with the greatest love between a man and a woman. The unique nature of mother-child relationship is reflected in the fact that the term “mother-love” is commonly known better than “fatherly love” which sounds uncommon.

a. The Mother – Daughter Relationship

Noller and Fitzpatrick in their book, Communication in Family Relationship propose that the strongest parent-child relationship seems to be between mothers and their daughters. Their bond tends to be more involved in maintaining family relationship because much of the intergenerational contact is initiated by woman to woman. Daughters communicate more with their mother than sons. It can be the discussion about sexual attitudes, interest, and relationship with others. “In one study, daughters reported more frequent discussions between themselves and their mother about sexual attitudes and relationship than did sons, and more disclosure to her about interest, family sex roles, relationship with others, sexual information, sexual problems, and general problems” Noller and Fitzpatrick, 209 Moreover Troll, Miller and Atchley as quoted by Noller and Fitzpatrick 267 state that the mother-daughter relationship is more ambivalent, complex, and ambiguous and characterized by love and hate, high expectations and low appreciation, and high stresses and strains. However, a daughter still seems to be involved with her mother and concerned about them even when their relationship is not close and warm Troll and Bengsten in Noller and Fitzpatrick 267. The relationship between a mother and a daughter can be positive and negative depends on the mother’s nurturing role. The positive relationship refers to close, warm, happy and comfortable relationship. Mother does not interfere her daughter’s life too much but supports and gives rights to be an independent person who can leads her own life when she is adult. The negative relationship directs them to inharmonious and rival relation. In this case, the mother treats her daughter as a dependent child who needs mother’s help and protection in her whole life time. Baumrind as quoted by Noller and Fitzpatrick 135 identifies three styles of parenting which can influence parent – children relationship. They are authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive. In the authoritarian, parents attempt to shape, control, and evaluate the behavior and attitudes of the child. The authoritarian parents do not give encouragement of take and give with the child. For them, obedience is absolute virtue and punishment is a way to control the child’s self-will. The child should accept parents’ word for what is right. Therefore, the relationship with the child is low in warmth. In contrast, authoritative parents strongly support the child without heeding their control. The parents behave in non punitive, apply verbal give-and–take, and demonstrate self- respect without ignoring the child’s interest. Children who live in this family tend to be more self-reliant and self-controlled. Meanwhile, permissive parents are low in control. Parents accept and allow children to regulate own activities and to take their own decision. Besides parenting styles, communication also influences parent – children relationship. According to Gouran in his book’s Mastering Comunication 259, he states that in communication, parents give messages in the sense of support and control. Supportive messages include praising, approving, encouraging, displaying affection, and giving help. These messages lead to positive relationship and lessen the existence of conflict between them. It is so because the child feels more comfortable with their parents. In this positive interaction, the child will feel secure with the caregiver. On the other hand, control messages include the threats of punishment, revoking privileges, lecturing on consequences action, love withdrawal, and generally showing love disapproval of the child’s behavior. Thus, control behavior leads to the negative relationship and increases conflicts between them. In this negative interaction creates insecure individuals. Noller and Fitapatrick199 state that secure individuals are able to trust others, in this case is their mother. Meanwhile, insecure individuals lead them to mistrust and to avoid their caregiver. They also tend to have negative view of themselves, others or both. Roolins and Thomas as quoted in Noller and Fitzpatrick 201-202 explain that support messages increase self-esteem in children and their conformity to the wishes of the parents, and lessen the aggression and antisocial behavior. In contrast, control messages increase aggression and behavior problems and decrease self esteem, instrumental competence, moral behavior, creativity and academic achievement. The more parents control their children, the more they get rebellion from them. However, poor communication between parents and children brings negative effect on their relationship. This makes the child feel uncomfortable and rejected in the family. Norem Heisen, Johnson, and Anderson say “Increasing use of drugs by adolescents in grade 9 and 11 seems to be related to perception of disapproval and rejection from parents” qtd. In Noller and Fitzpatrik 208. It means that for adolescents who have poor communication with their parents and feel rejected and uncertain about their love and support, tend to involve themselves in the behaviors prohibited by their parents Noller and Fitzpatrick 208.

b. Types of Mother-Daughter Relationship