fear of losing their daughters, the daughters should convince the mothers that the mothers will not lose them if they live with the man they love or marry someday.
d. The Conflicting Response on Mother Figure’s Different Perception
A mother is the most amazing woman that people have. A mother usually will do anything for her children just to make her children happy. Chinese
mothers and American mothers are similar, they love their children much. However, in some parts, there are some things that Chinese mothers teach to their
children that perhaps American mothers do not, and vice versa. A mother influences her children much, especially her daughter. The relationship between
mothers and their daughter is different from mothers and their son. According to Nadeau, one of the causes of the conflict between mother
and daughter is the different view in life, especially the different view about a mother figure. In this context, the mothers had been taught by their mothers to be
obedient daughters whatever happened. The condition in the past when everything was not good makes the mothers be very obedient with their mothers. They are
even afraid of losing their mothers. They faced hard situation where grandmother, uncle, new husband of the mother, and anybody could separate them with their
mothers and it made them appreciate and respect and their mothers very much. While in “now” condition, the daughters do not have the same perception about a
figure of mother. In America, the daughters are not being obedient to their mothers as the mothers wish. They are influenced by American culture and it is
not easy to make them understand the meaning of a mother.
Nadeau also state that one of the causes of the problem is the teaching from the mother. The mothers believe that they should apply the same rule and the
same teaching to their daughters now. They forget that they live in America with different culture which has a very big chance to influence their daughters who
grow up there. The problems in communication and attitude, their inflexibility, make their daughters far away from them. The daughters underestimate the
meaning of a mother as they less appreciate their mother. It is also caused by the mothers’ silence of their past experience about their relationship with their
mothers. The daughters do not have a good comparison about how lucky they are to live and to be loved with their mothers who will always be there for them.
In The Bonesetter’s Daughter, LuLing was influenced much by her mother, Precious Auntie. The first time she went outside the town without
Precious Auntie, she was aware of how Precious Auntie meant to her life as stated in The Bonesetter’s Daughter, “After I finished, I realized I had not thought to
bring a comb for my hair or wooden sticks for cleaning under my nails. Precious Auntie always remembered those things for me. She was the reason I forgot”
TBD 220 LuLing’s past is very painful. She did not know that her mother was
actually the woman who used to be her nursemaid. At last, when she knew that her mother was her nursemaid, it was too late. She had already hurt her mother’s
heart by saying bad words to her and when she realized what she did, her mother had died. She had no chance to say sorry and to love her.
LuLing loves Ruth very much. She wanted Ruth to know Precious Auntie. That is why she asks Ruth to talk to the ghost of Precious Auntie. What she had
done, screaming in Chinese words to remind Ruth of what she did was danger, just the expression of her fear. She was afraid of losing Ruth. However, this is
what Ruth is not aware of. Ruth just thinks that her mother is trying to embarrass her. According to Noller and Fitzpatrick 268, the mother-daughter relationship is
characterized by love and hate, high expectation but low appreciation, and high stress. This is what happens between LuLing and Ruth. Ruth feels so stressed to
face her mother that she cannot understand what her mother wants to her. Ruth loves her mother but she hates why her mother is so difficult to be understood.
In The Joy Luck Club, there are three mothers and their pasts. An Mei Hsu, a woman who lived with her grandmother who hated her mother, did not
know who her mother was until her mother came when her grandmother died. Her choice in following her mother is being insulted by her relatives, especially her
uncle. She also remembered that her grandmother hated her mother very much. However, she, who missed her mother very much, chose to follow her mother.
Her mother lived outside the town and she had been the fourth wife of a man who is not her father. She was hurt to know this reality and she promised to herself to
accompany her mother in passing this bad experience. This bad experience makes her love her mother very much.
The second is Ying-ying. Ying-ying came from a rich family. But she was close with Amah, a woman who took care of her, although her mother was there
and loved her too. She missed her mother so much. She appreciated every single
time she had with her mother. As the result, every time her mother talked to her, she always obeyed what her mother said. She was an obedient girl.
The third is Lindo. The relationship between her and her parent is very good. She loved her mother very much and Lindo wanted to sacrifice her future
for the promise her parent especially her mother had made when she was two years old. She married to the man she did not love. She was an obedient girl too.
She respected much to her parent. LuLing, An Mei, Ying-ying, and Lindo appreciate their mothers very
much. For them, mother is a special figure and mother is very valuable. The difficult time with their mothers in the past make them appreciate their mothers
very much. They are very obedient to their mothers. They love their mothers and wish that they could live with their mothers and have a better life.
In contrary, their daughters do not have good relationship with them. Lindo’s daughter, Waverly, ever said to her friend as stated in The Joy Luck Club,
“You don’t know my mother,” I said. “She never thinks anybody is good enough for anything” TJLC 183. Rose and Lena also feel that their mother An Mei Hsu
and Ying-ying have too big expectation on them. As Noller and Fitzpatrick 267 stated mother expects more from her daughter but shows less appreciation on her
daughter’s efforts. In contrast, the mother expects less from her son and appreciates more the thing her son does. In these novels, the daughters feel so fed
up with the mothers’ protests and wishes. They feel that the mothers “push” them to do this and that to fulfill what their mothers’ wishes.
Lindo and all the mothers have better life now with their daughters. It should result in a good and close relationship between mother and daughter.
However, this condition does not make their relationship better than their past experience. The mothers and the daughters cannot go along and the mothers feel
that their daughters do not appreciate them much. The daughters who were born and live in America are influenced by the American culture much.
Rose, Lena, and Waverly are not open to their own mothers. The daughters are impatient to understand that their mothers are different from
American mothers. The mothers are special; the mothers love the daughters with their own ways. The daughters do not understand that Chinese is in the blood of
their mothers and it makes the mothers teach them the different ways from American moms. They usually think that her mother is too far to reach.
Sometimes, they do not understand what their mothers want from them. One example of the result is all these women have bad relationship with
man. Waverly is divorced, Rose is also divorced, and Lena had a bad relationship with her husband. None of their mothers know the reason. That is because they
never talk to each other, heart to heart between a mother and a daughter. If they talk, the mothers seemed do not understand the daughters’ condition and situation
and keep talking to the daughters with their argument until the daughters can predict what their mothers will say and can be sure it will not help them in facing
their problems. I watch her, sweep after sweep, waiting for the right moment to tell her
about Ted and me, that we’re getting divorced. When I tell her, I know she’s going to say, “This cannot be.”
And when I say that it is certainly true, that our marriage is over, I know what else she will say: “Then you must save it.”
And even though I know it’s hopeless –there’s absolutely nothing left to save—I’m afraid if I tell her that, she’ll still persuade me to try. TJLC
122-123
It makes the daughters feel that it is better if they do not talk. It makes them stay away from their mothers.
The mothers have a bad experience in the past. Some of them were difficult to meet their mothers; some of them could not meet their mothers. A
‘mother’ for the mothers has meaning as someone who is very precious, cannot be reached easily, and had tried very hard for their life as the daughters. However,
the easy life in America makes the mothers do not have to try hard to fulfill their daughters needs. They can live together easily; nobody will separate them as a
mother and a daughter. It makes the daughters can feel the “easiness”. The daughters can get their moms’ hug anytime they want.
However, this “easiness” is not well appreciated by the daughters. The different ways of talking, teaching the value of life, and any other “strange”
attitude from the mothers seem to be ‘disaster” for them. It is pity. Some of them hope that they were not born from their own mom.
In other side, the mothers also do not try to change their mind and attitude. They keep the culture strongly by teaching the daughters with Chinese culture.
They worry about many American things that actually not bad, but because they cannot open their mind, these things seem bad. They cannot balance what their
daughters get in this new and modern country.
Both of them keep their belief by themselves. The daughters do not know how to deal with the mothers, and the reverse where it can actually be so simple.
The daughters should thank much because of the chance they have to be with their mother anytime they want. They should learn to love and to accept their mothers
whoever their mothers are. They should aware that they are Chinese women who have great chance to live in America. They should learn not to take all the
American values of life. They should take the good and leave the bad. They have different customs and they are unique. The mothers and the daughters just have to
sit, be patient, and talk each other, heart-to-heart, as it should happen, between mother and daughter and lets the miracles happen in their life.
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CHAPTER V CONCLUSIONS AND SUGGESTIONS
