Unable to Attain His Desired Relationship with Naoko
49 1969 when he was a college student and in love with a girl called Naoko. Toru
recalls the day when he takes a walk with Naoko and conveys his feeling for her. “Tell me something, Toru,” she said. “Do you love me?”
“You know I do,” I answered. “Will you do me two favors?”
“You may have up to three wishes, madame.” Naoko smiled and shook her head. “No, two will be enough. One is for
you to realize how grateful I am that you came to see me here. I hope you’ll understand how happy you’ve made me. I know it’s going to save
me if any thing will. I may not show it, but it’s true.”
“I’ll come to see you again,” I said. “And what us the other wish?” “I want you always to remember me. Will you remember that I existed,
and that I stood next to you like this?” “Always,” I said. “I’ll always remember.” p. 11.
Toru remembers that he ever conveys his feeling toward Naoko as he recalls the day when he takes a walk with Naoko. Toru promises Naoko that he will always
remember Naoko and it is one of the evidences that Toru loves Naoko. Besides, Toru is also willingly to do some favors for Naoko.
Afterwards, Toru recalls being a senior high school student. Toru meets Naoko, a beautiful yet emotionally fragile young woman who comes from the
same town as Toru. Naoko has a relationship with her childhood sweetheart, Kizuki, who happens to be Toru’s best friend in senior high school. Since then,
Toru and Naoko become friends. The three of them have been inseparable until Kizuki commits suicide which makes their friendship does not last for long. Since
there is nothing to bond them, both Toru and Naoko go their separate ways. Toru and Naoko have not met for a year and they coincidentally meet by a
chance on a Chuo Line in Tokyo a year later a fter Kizuki’s death by carbon-
monoxide poisoning, p. 29. Both Toru and Naoko spend more time together and subsequently meet every Sunday going for long walks. They grow closer due to
50 their shared pain over the loss of Kizuki. Yet, this pain makes Naoko unable to
accept Kizuki’s death and suffer a mental breakdown which makes her stay at a
sanatorium set deep in the mountains. Since the leaving of Naoko, Toru feels the longing for Naoko and he
writes a letter for her saying that every night he thinks about Naoko and he realizes how much he needs her p. 76. Toru really loses her and his world seems
meaningless after Naoko has left. Toru writes some letters to Naoko and visits her in the sanatorium once in a while. In his first visit, Toru takes a walk with Naoko
and asks her to live with him if her condition is getting better. “You’re wasting your life being involved with me.”
“I’m not wasting anything.” “But I might never recover. Will you wait for me forever? Can you wait
ten years, twenty years?” “You’re letting yourself be scared by too many things,” I said. “The dark,
bad dreams, the power of the dead. You have to forget them. I’m sure you’ll get well if you do.”
“If I can,” said Naoko, shaking her head. “If you can get out of this place, will you live with me?” I asked. “Then I
can protect you from the dark and from bad dreams. Then you’d have me instead of Reiko to hold you when things go difficult.”
Naoko pressed still move firmly against me. “That would be wonderful,” she said. p. 195
Toru’s willingness to wait for Naoko and protect her from everything that makes Naoko afraid of proves that Toru loves Naoko. Toru even considers that waiting
for Naoko and getting involved with her are not a waste of time even though Toru is not sure whether Naoko will recover or not. On the other hand, Naoko refuses it
because of her sickness and she does not want to be a burden for anyone. Thereby, she asks Toru to go on living without her but Toru wants to stay and wait for her.
51 In another letter, Toru writes about his move from dormitory to a new
cottage. In his letter, Toru suggests Naoko to start living together with him and he wants to be always near with Naoko p. 319. Toru waits patiently for Naoko to
accept him as a lover which shows that he really loves Naoko, despite of her unstable mental condition. Although Naoko has warned him to not waste time by
waiting for her, Toru still wants to wait for her. Toru shows his love for Naoko through his caring and willingness to wait
for Naoko. On the other hand, Naoko is unable to love Toru and respond his feeling. Naoko finds it is impossible to love anyone else besides Kizuki. Naoko
still loves Kizuki since long time ago until Kizuki has left her behind because of his suicide. Besides, Naoko also feels as if some of her parts have been lost after
Kizuki’s death. “I don’t mean to hurt you, but this much you have to understand: Kizuki
and I had a truly special relationship. We had been together from the time we were three. It’s how we grew up: always together, always talking,
understanding each other perfectly. The first time we kissed – it was in the
sixth grade – was just wonderful. The first time I had my period, I ran to
him and cried like a baby. We were that close. So after he died, I didn’t know how to re
late to other people. I didn’t know what it means to love another person.” p. 150
Although Naoko and Toru finally grow closer after Kizuki’s suicide, Naoko actually does not know how to relate with other people and she never loves Toru;
even Naoko withdraws herself from Toru. Naoko’s confession about her
relationship with Kizuki proves that Naoko is unable to love Toru back. Thus, Toru’s love for Naoko is one-side love or unrequited love.
Years later, Toru finally realizes that he has no future together and has a relationship with Naoko because Naoko never loves him. He remembers when
52 Naoko asks him never to forget her because Naoko knows that memories about
her will fade from time to time. The next paragraph shows that Toru finally realizes that Naoko never loves him.
The more the memories of Naoko inside me fade, the more deeply I am able to understand her. I know, too, why she asked me not to forget her.
Naoko herself knew, of course. She knew that my memories of her would fade. Which is precisely why she begged me never to forget her, to
remember that she had existed. The thoughts fills me with an almost unbearable sorrow. Because Naoko never loved me. pp. 12-13
According to Peplau and Perlman 1982, loneliness is a feeling which
appears whenever a person is unable to attain his or her desired relationship as cited in Baron, 1994, p. 521. It means that loneliness appears because there is a
mismatch between the actual relationship and the desired relationship. Based on the analyses above, it can be
concluded that Toru’s desire to have relationship with Naoko is unfulfilled. Toru has a feeling towards Naoko; he falls in love with
her. However, Naoko is unable to love him back because she still loves Kizuki. Besides, she does not know how to love anoth
er person since Kizuki’s death. Thus, it can be concluded that that Toru’s loneliness appears because he is unable
to attain his desired relationship.