98 4. Necessity to Graduate:
Not only valuing learning as a process, Dylan also had the need to graduate. Unfortunately, these two features were often in conflict.
It was especially because Dylan‟s need to graduate must be met face-to-face with the National Examination, an examination which, according to him, focused more
on result than process D16. Dylan‟s conflict was getting sharper after he joined Science major. Main subjects in Science major apparently became too difficult for
him that he felt desperate D21; D22. Because Dylan wanted to graduate and he had problem in Science, he then spent more time to study Science and less time to
study English D23; D24. It was not quite right if I say Dylan did not enjoy learning English as a process anymore because Dylan still struggled to live the
value even though it was hard to do it when he was made to put much energy in a result-ba
sed examination D3; D6: D7; D26; D27; D29. Dylan‟s learning process was just distorted by Science and the National Examination. Dylan knew he was
not very good in Science. Yet, he had to study it to graduate. Dylan knew he was good in English. Yet, he could not spend enough time to improve it. His scores in
English were just average when he was in Science major D25. But this was not his biggest problem because he valued progress more than result. Dylan‟s problem
was related to the slow improvement he made in English. Dylan thought he was still not dilligent enough in studying vocabulary D43. He also thought he was
still not good enough in Listening D43. Both Science and English then became a burden to him D28. Dylan‟s conflict regarding learning as a process and the
need to graduate culminated when examination questions were leaked in Google Drive a day before the National Examination was held. Dylan was in the position
where he had to choose between believing in his process by not using the leaked PLAGIAT MERUPAKAN TINDAKAN TIDAK TERPUJI
99
examination questions or putting his need to graduate first by cheating. Dylan eventually used the leaked examination questions to work on the Science exams
but not using it for the English examination D35. It showed, for Dylan, in English, process was still more important than the result.
5. Father’s Influence: Dylan‟s father was influential to Dylan. He made Dylan chose to join Science major even though Dylan did not choose Science at first.
“After the X
th
grade, when it was the time to choose major, I actually wanted to get in to Language major, not Science” D45. His father did not think it was
going to be challenging for Dylan if he joined Language major. “I joined Science to answer my father‟s challenge. „Why don‟t you join Science? The competition
was tight. It would help you to be better in time management,‟” Dylan told me D44. “Alright. I got in to Science then” D44.
2. Baez’s Structural Description Interpretation
Baez‟s lived experience on the National Examination can be abstracted into a structure which consists of seven components. The first one is Baez‟s
dependency
. The second one is Baez‟s
disinterest to English
. The third one is Baez‟s
lack of intense experience
with English. The fourth one is Baez‟s
difficultness
in studying English.
The fifth one is Baez‟s
lack of confidence
. The sixth one is Baez‟s priority on her
friends’ acceptance while the last is the way Baez‟s
concept on test
.
1. Dependency
: Baez‟s thoughts, feelings, and deeds during the preparation for the English National Examination were very much affected by her dependency
when studying English since she was in Junior High School. When she found that a teacher could not make her comfortable in learning English, she would not be
100
enthusiastic in studying En glish. “In my Junior High School the teacher was a
killer. It affected me a lot” B74; B75. In her XII
th
grade Baez‟s teacher was also hard to deal with because she spoke very softly B9. Baez was not comfortable
with it and she said this was one of the factors which made her not studying English again at home B76. Contradictory to this, Baez would be able to learn
English maximally when the teacher was, for example, friendly, like the teacher in her English course B77. “I felt like I asked a friend,” Baez explained the feeling
she felt when she studied English with her English course teacher B77. At home, Baez‟s process of studying English was also affected by other people so much.
Even though generally not liking English, Baez said from all English skills she liked speaking the most. In developing this skill, Baez said she improved it with
the help from his father. “With my father,” Baez said when asked how she tried to develop her English skill B78.
2. Disinterest:
“I did not like English,” Baez said when asked why she was not enthusiastic when studying English B79. Her disinterest, added with her
dependency to teacher, made it more difficult for Baez to get the beat in learning English B76. Baez actually like speaking but her interest was rarely
accommodated by the teachers who, in this case, affected Baez‟s learning a lot.
“When I was once asked to make and perform a drama in English, I was impressed” B78. Unfortunately, it was rarely explored B78.
3. Lack of Intense Experience:
This aspect was closely related with the two aspects which I will discuss later:
dificultness
and
lack of confidence
. Baez‟s lack of intense experience on English learning, especially listening and, as stated
previously, speaking, was something Baez needed to deal with since she was in PLAGIAT MERUPAKAN TINDAKAN TIDAK TERPUJI
101
Junior High School. Listening was only taught when Baez was in the IX
th
grade of Junior High School B80. “And, the speakers were Indonesians” B79. Other
than that, “We only learn songs B79.” Similarly, when Baez was in Senior High School listening was only studied when she was in the XII
th
grade. “There was no Listening in the X
th
and XI
th
grade” B80. However, “when the National Examination was about to come, we had Listenings a lot” B81. In her English
course, the situation was not very different. Listening section was only held in tryouts B82.
4. Difficultness:
Because Baez was not intensely in touch with English, especially listening, Baez then faced many difficulties during the preparation for
the 2015 English National Examination, especially in the listening sections B30; B31. These difficulties affected the changes of feelings which Baez experience
before up to after the 2015 English National Examination. The difficulties made Baez felt not confident and nervous B32; B33. Both feelings made her paid
more attention during listening sections in class B37. In the same time, even though making Baez paid more attention, her lack of confidence also made her
study English less enthusiastically B76. It also made her often ask questions or cheat especially by working together with her friends during listening section in
class. Because it has become habit it was difficult for Baez to avoid cheating. “Not to cheat is hard” B83. Baez herself admitted that before the examination
was held she had already planned to work together with one of her friend on the D-day B84. Because Baez knew not to cheat was impossible, she then also used
leaked examination questions to help her to work on the examination. PLAGIAT MERUPAKAN TINDAKAN TIDAK TERPUJI
102
Not only during the preparation, Baez also found difficulties on the D-day. The difficulties still made her felt both not confident and nervous on the beginning of
the D-day B41; B44; B47. She then tried to calm herself until she felt resigned at the end of the examination B45 but after the National Examination was over and
before the result was announced, Baez felt down because she remembered the difficulties she had and that she could not change anything anymore B68; B70.
After the result was announced, she however felt glad B72. Paradoxically, she also felt sad because her score was not high, only slightly above the passing grade
B73. She also felt sad because she remembered how she cheated during the examination day even tough she knew that her score would not be different then if
she did not cheat B73; B85.
5. Lack of Confidence:
Not only resulting on lack of enthusiasm and cheating, Baez‟s lack of confidence, which was rooted from her diffultness, also made her
passive in class. “In English class we were asked to use English. At that time I didn‟t have the courage to do it” B86. Baez didn‟t ask a lot questions in class
B86. However, even though was not enthusiastic and passive in class, Baez‟s lack of confidence contradictorily made her try harder for the National
Examination, especially when compared to her preparation for School Examination B3. According to Baez, the National Examination score purely
showed one‟s academic capability B87. Meanwhile, School Examination was not that pure. “It was probably because the teachers considered the students‟
attitude” B87. Because Baez was not confident with her English academic capability, Baez then tried harder for the National Examination. She tried less
hard for the School Examination because, even though she was not confident with PLAGIAT MERUPAKAN TINDAKAN TIDAK TERPUJI
103
her academic capability, she thought she had nice behavior. “I never did anything bad. That‟s why I felt calmer” B88.
6. Friends’ Acceptance: For Baez, friends‟ acceptance was very important. Thus, Baez would not do things which were not acceptable in friendship circle,
even though if that was what she needed to improve her English. Baez, for example, could not hear her teacher voice because it was too soft B9. Even
though Baez knew she needed to ask questions because of this, Baez chose to remain silent. “There was this student who asked a lot of questions. Asking what
had been explained already. If I asked I‟m afraid my friends would say, „It has been explained already‟” B89. In her English course, the situation was a bit
different. The number of the student was only half of the number of the student in her class. “There were more or less 18” B90. This was why Baez was braver to
ask more questions. Other than that, Baez often had more time to study face to face with the teachers there B91. Because the potential for her to be judged by
her friends was less, Baez felt relaxed in her English course. Regarding cheating, Baez also put her friends‟ acceptance first than other
things. Cheating is an activity which is considered wrong in educational world. However, Baez chose to keep doing it. Baez was not worried that it was
considered wrong in the context of educational world. Instead, Baez was worried about what her friend would say if, after cheating himher, Baez‟s score would be
higher than himher. “Usually those who cheat would have higher score than those cheated. I was afraid my score would be higher than a friend I cheated.
Fortunate ly, my score was lower” B92.
