Hazel’s struggles in making her parents happy

46 She tries to avoid her parents as she believes that she’s will leave a scar in her parent’s life. She did not want to hurt other people and she tries to minimize the casualties of her death in the future. She frequently compares herself as a grenade, which will blow up and hurt people around her. “I’m a grenade,” I said again. “I just want to stay away from people and read books and think and be with you guys because there’s nothing I can do about hurting you; you’re too invested, so just please let me do that, okay? I’m not depressed. I don’t need to get out more. And I can’t be a regular teenager because I’m a grenade.” Green, 2012:6 Hazel feels that her parents doing so much for her and she cannot repay them with anything. she did not want to leave them to suffer when she dies, as she calls it “too precious” and she wants them to be happy whatever happens in the future. Her condition is temporarily stable and she realizes that it won’t last forever. In the other hand, when Augustus diagnosed that his cancer back and spread everywhere, Hazel feels that shes previously experienced it and she feels thankful that she can pass through it. “I know,” I said, although I didn’t, not really. I’d never been anything but terminal; all my treatment had been in pursuit of extending my life, not curing my cancer. Phalanx for had introduced a measure of ambiguity to my cancer story, but I was different from Augustus: My final chapter was written upon diagnosis. Gus, like most cancer survivors, lived with uncertainty. Green, 2012:11 In the quotation above, she explains how she can go through all of her medication when Phalanxifor saved her life until the present time. On the other side, 47 she cannot be sure how long the meds can treat her cancer. Augustus has a different story, where he was cured and no one imagines that his cancer was back and now threatening his life. Hazel knows about the uncertainty of the cancer survivor, but she’s too scared to tell Augustus about it. “Why? Why would you even like me? Haven’t you put yourself through enough of this?” I asked, thinking of Caroline Mather’s. Green, 2012:8 After Hazel knows about Augustus’ ex-girlfriend who died of cancer, she asks him about his feeling. She did not want to leave as his ex-girlfriend did, which leave him desperate although he stated that he did not hurt because of it. Her feelings were based on her belief that Augustus were the healthy one and she is the grenade.

4. Hazel’s efforts in order to be closer with Augustus

Living life as a teenager, won’t be too far from friendship and romance. Hazel, as a teenager she trying to get many friends but unfortunately she did not get much of them. After she dropped out from her school, she only has Kaitlyn as her friends. Kaitlyn presence emotionally and physically affects Hazel’s development of a relationship with other people aside from her parents. Sometimes she feels envy to Kaitlyn, as a normal and healthy person who have many friends compared to her. Hazel feels comfortable when she’s with Kaitlyn, as she can talk some issues about Augustus and else. 48 “I am not a bunny, and I am not in love with Gus Waters or anyone,” I answered, way too defensively. Wounded. Like Caroline Mathers had been a bomb and when she blew up everyone around her was left with embedded shrapnel. Green, 2012:6 At first, she did not want to be close with Augustus or anyone. For her, Augustus just a boy she met in the Cancer Support Group and she did not mean to be close to him or anything. She realizes that Augustus were cured and she did not want to be near with him. She did not want to be a bomb or a grenade who blew up and hurt anyone around her. She put away her feelings so she won’t be hurt, anyone. When she’s been closer to Augustus she cannot deny her feelings anymore. “I’m not going on dates,” I said. “I don’t want to go on dates with anyone. It’s a terrible idea and a huge waste of time and—” Green, 2012:6 Being a cancer survivor, which affects physical abilities and appearances makes Hazel vulnerable teenage girl as her esteem in very low level. She did not confident enough, even to speak in the front of people in her Support Group. His esteem gradually improving as she interacts with new people, such Augustus and Isaac. Hazel realizes there are many people like her, cancer survivors who live their life to the fullest every single day. She’s amazed at Augustus confidence about how he sees the world and feels sorry about what she thinks of her whole life. Although her life wasnt normal enough compared to healthy people, she wants to be powerful in facing all her problems.