On Sister Regina’s Perception of Serving God

Having had no children of her own, she’d rarely felt small bodies curl against this way. Their shoulders reached the sides of her breasts which were bound firmly inside her habit, as if to deny the fact that she was female. The feel of the children gathered against her filled Sister Regina with an expansive rush of maternal love. p. 101 This maternal love Sister Regina feels is a kind of instinct that usually happens in every woman. Now this maternal instinct comes to Sister Regina and makes her uncomfortable for the first time since she has lived as a nun. She stood awhile in the cavernous coolness, alone and confused about what was happening to her. Had she chosen wrong? Had she wasted the best years of her life on a vocation for which she was not meant? Fear struck and she hurried inside, kneeling to say a quick prayer of application. Dear God, what is happening to me? Why do these thoughts persist and why can I not be happy here as I’ve always been before? p. 125 Every nun is prohibited to get close with any seculars, including children. The religious vows prevent Sister Regina from becoming too close to them, even in the time they need it. This rule now makes Sister Regina feels as a stranger in her community since she does not think any longer that it is a good rule. “I’ve begun finding faults with so much about my life within my religious community ─the personal ways of all the sisters, their aggravating habits, and the fact that we are allowed so little freedom. Then there’s Sister Agnes admonishing me not to get too wrapped up in the lives of the children I teach, and it makes me angry, yet I’m not allowed to discuss it to anybody.” p. 145 In years she has been serving God with being a nun, praying for people, and teaching children in school. However, after getting close with children, especially Anne and Lucy, she starts feeling that praying and what she has done is not enough to serve God she really glorifies. Moreover, when her motherhood grows stronger, she does not even feel comfortable with the nun’s living that is full of rules. Sister Regina cannot forget about Krystyna, a woman that has just died, leaving for a husband, Mr. Olсzak, and two children, Anne and Lucy. Everybody is in grief when Krystyna died, and so does Sister Regina. Krystyna is a good woman, good neighbor, good wife, and good mother. Here, the incident happened to Krsytyna makes Sister Regina feels unsatisfied with her life. She also sees in the wives and mothers in town a life that she has never known. Compared to Krystyna, as a nun, Sister Regina feels that she cannot serve God optimally. She wonders if a woman cant serve God just as well by being a good mother, a good wife, and a devoted layperson in the Catholic Church. Sister Regina chose her words carefully. “The death of Krystyna Ol сzak has had a more profound effect on me than I ever believed possible. “In what way, Sister?” ”She was…” Sister Regina didn’t know how to put it. “She was the most nearly perfect mother, and daughter, and wife and parish supporter I’ve ever known. When she died, I guessed I began assessing what she had given to the world and comparing it to what I as a nun give to the world, and for the first time I began questioning what my grandmother and the nuns always said, that a life as a religious was the epitome of service to God. I felt …” Sister Regina’s voice dropped to a softer note. “… I felt that if they had lied to me. For Krystyna Olсzak served God in as noble a way as I ever did. Perhaps nobler, for she had to do it without a book of holy rules that automatically takes care of all the vicissitudes of life. p. 186 She is beginning to feel that the rules which govern the life of a nun; sets nuns apart from “seculars” unnecessarily. She cannot be close with children, looking after them, and bringing up them, meanwhile she believes that children are God’s gift. During her struggle of her vocation, Sister Regina does not forget to pray for the best. She is not a woman who likes to do something in a hurry, for she does not want to make a wrong decision. Her patience helps her endurance in passing this problem by praying to God everyday. Even when her Mother Superior and her family ask her to pray more, Sister Regina does it with whole heart. According to Freud, as cited in Fudyartanta 2005:122, instinct has an aim, PLAGIAT MERUPAKAN TINDAKAN TIDAK TERPUJI prevailing one’s balance by eliminating any disturbed stimulus. In this novel, the growth of Sister Regina’s maternal instinct has been disturbed by the strict Holy Rule that makes her uncomfortable. This disturbance causes a psychological tenseness and therefore, she tries to remove the disturbance. According to Freud, as quoted by Ferdinand Zaviera 2007: 22, an oppressed will, impulse, or desire will be still alive in the unconscious mind, and will require to be satisfied anytime. Finally, Sister Regina tells Mother superior that she decides to quit from the community. I made a retreat last August for exactly this purpose, and I’ve said so many prayers since, and meditated and done penance. I’ve gone through the whole agonizing process, searching my soul, asking myself and God what is truly right for me, and I believe that God and I have reconciled ourselves to my decision. p. 189 Now Sister Regina has different a way of thinking about serving God. She finally expresses her true feeling about the community that has made her get confused. She has a new belief that being a mother and raising children will better than being a nun in God’s eyes for she can do more good things than in the community. However, the process of her decision takes several months and she must live as a nun until then. During that process, Sister Regina still does all her activities in the community. Yet, she always prays to God and Mother Mary, asking for help so that she can pass her problem well. She said a Novena to Our Lady, asking for special help, and sought a plenary indulgence by praying rosaries and fasting. And she was especially nice to Sister Mary Charles, her least favorite, offering it up for the forgiveness of her sins. And she tried to spend a lot of time with kids. p. 244 Finally, her patience and effort bring her to something that she has been longing for a long time. She does not realize that the six months of waiting has passed and now she can leave the community. It is very hard for Sister Regina to leave the community since she is not allowed to say goodbye to her students or to the other nuns. “Am I … I mean, am I not to be allowed to say goodbye to the other sisters? “Not even Sister Dora? A disapproving quirk of Mother Superior’s eyebrow said she would brook no wavering on this issue. If not Sister Dora, then surely not to the children . Sister Regina glanced over her empty classroom. p. 258 However, there is a strong power that convinces her to move on. It is her maternal instinct that makes her believe that she can serve God better outside. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “It simply wasn’t the life for me.” p. 264

4.3.2 On Sister Regina’s Way in Dealing with a Problem

One of the obvious facts about personality is that it is constantly changing and developing. The change is called as development and it can be better or even worse. Hurlock 1976:6 defines that personality development is “a stage in growth of constantly hanging and evoking process within an individual”. Still based Hurlock, changes in personality do not occur by themselves. In this novel, the changes happen in Sister Regina’s personality. Her emotional determinant influenced by her maternal instinct determines her personality pattern. Sister Regina has lived in the religious community for several years with other sisters and the Holy Rules that limit their movement. It is long enough for Sister Regina to get know about the habits of every sister in the community. This can be known from their daily activities. In Sister Regina’s opinion, there is a sister that quite disturbs her thought. Her name is Sister Mary Charles. Sister Mary Charles is older than Sister Regina and she also teaches at parochial school. Sister Regina starts feeling the inconvenience when she sees Sister Charles does not treat students well. In Sister Regina’s point of view, Sister Charles likes to punish students in an extreme way. Because of Sister Charles’ habit, Sister Regina even has a feeling that Sister Charles is the same as a tyrant. Sister Mary Charles, grade five and six, a tyrant who elicited satisfaction out of whipping the naughty children with a strip of rubber floor tile in the flower room. Sister Regina thought that what Sister Mary Charles needed was for someone to bend her over the lowest bench beside the gloxinias and wail the tar out of her backside one time, and see if she might change her ways. p. 41 This also explains that a sister is just a common people like any others. As a sister, Sister Regina also can feel emotion such as like or dislike. There is a slight emotion of anger that obsessed her. Sister Regina does not like the way Sister Charles teaches her students. To Sister Regina, Sister Mary’s behavior is not proper for children at those ages. Moreover, the special affinity of Sister Regina towards children makes her take more pity because of Sister Charles’ deed. However, Sister Regina does not take any action concerning that matter. Sister Mary Charles is her senior so that she should know better about teaching children. Moreover, every sister has to obey the Holy Rules; poverty, chastity, and obedience. The chastity means that every sister must deal with simplicity and purity, including the pure of heart. That is why Sister Regina tries to eliminate her emotion of anger towards Sister Mary Charles.