Low Self-esteem The Causes of Kemal Basmaci’ s Obsessive Love

blinking. He often does so whenever he feels angry with her. Getting annoyed by Kemal’ s behavior, Fusun tells him not to do that again. Instead of verbalizing the reason behind his action, Kemal murmurs ashamedly. “It was threatening to become one of those evenings when I could not rise from my chair. Deploying my will power, I finally did, and murmuring that it had gotten very late, I removed myself p.349”. The quotation also shows Kemal’ s tendency to murmur while also describes his lethargic attitude, another sign of low self-esteem, as he needs to deploy his will power only to get up from the chair. Another sign of low self-esteem is anxious feeling. Kemal gets anxious and nervous very easily. Often times, the reason behind his nervousness do not mean anything at all for other people. “Whenever I entered a new house, I would always feel uncomfortable until I knew how many rooms it had, which backstreet the balcony looked out on, why a table had been positioned in a particular way p.238 ”. The quotation shows an example of a very minor thing that causes Kemal feeling anxious. He needs to know every detail of a house he goes into in order to feel comfortable. “Even though I had prepared myself for this, the sight of so many people I had known all my life clapping for us and warmly smiling made me as giddy as a child p.111”. Kemal also feels anxious about being in the spotlight. Instead of feeling happy when the guests cheers on and congratulate him in the engagement party, he feels uncomf ortable and dizzy. “Look at you with your legs twitching again. Why don’ t you walk off your nervousness and come back p.309”. When feeling heavily anxious, people might start to tremble. The quotation shows Kemal has his knees trembling as a result of his anxiety, as he waits to see Fusun. Guilt and fear are emotions people commonly feel whenever they do something bad. In people with low self-esteem, however, guilt and fear seem to be felt more easily and sometimes without clear reasons. “Without speaki ng, we walked up the street. Was I troubled by my indifference to a little girl’ s witnessing such a thing? I felt guilty, but I wasn’t quite sure why p.37”. Kemal and little Fusun run into the feast of sacrifice while walking outside and accidentally see a lamb’ s throat being slit. Kemal feels guilty as he thinks little Fusun might be scared upon seeing it although she seems to be unphased. The fact that Kemal feels guilty is rather bizarre, especially as he does not do anything wrong. “Perhaps I’ m afraid of life, Doctor” p.176. The quoted line shows Kemal’ s answer when being asked by a psychiatrist as to why he is depressed. His answer shows Kemal’ s fear attitude toward life in general, which is a symptom of having low self-esteem. Another proof of Ke mal’ s unexplainable guilt and fear is when he watches a soccer match. Somehow he feels that the upbeat atmosphere of the stadium has the power of lessening his negative feelings, although he has no reason to have such feelings in the first place. “In this festive atmosphere, with men on the field and in the stands conjoined in ritual embrace and congratulation, in this sudden community I felt my guilt recede, my fear transform into pride p. 43”. The quotation shows Kemal’ s low self -esteem as he often unreasonably feels guilty and fearful. People with low self-esteem are often strucked by shame which, similar to their guilt and fear, is unexplainable. “I should have stood up and gone to sit next to Fusun. But I couldn’ t, for a strange shame had immobilized me. I was like a teenager refusing to sit with his parents at the cinema, but also unwilling to acknowledge the source of his shame p.277”. In the quotation, Kemal meets a friend of his mother. He feels obliged to sit next to her although wanting to move next to Fusun. His realization for wanting to sit next to Fusun instead of with his mother’ s friend causes Kemal to feel ashamed. It is normal to want to sit next to someone he is close to, so Kemal’ s shame is exaggerated and unreasonable. Kemal sensitivity seems to contribute to his shame. As he is able to sense the atmosphere of a place, he knows when things are off. “If her chatter to diffuse the situation seemed too forced, I would feel ashamed and remain silent p.292”. Kemal’ s frequent visit to Fusun’ s family sometimes raises awkwardness among them. While Kemal is ashamed of himself for visiting them too often, his shame is very much intensified when he senses that Fusun’s mother, being the friendliest and most hospitable person in the house, tries hard to ditch the awkwardness. People having low self-esteem do not just feel ashamed of what they do but also of themselves. “Actually, I had no desire to share my collection with others, nor did anyone know I was hoarding things — I was ashamed of what I was doing p.374”. Kemal has a collection of knick knack stolen from Fusun’ s house. He loves to take things from every visit so that he can cherish the moment they spend together. Kemal’ s ashamed feeling to let others see his collection is a proof of his low self-esteem. People who have a healthy amount of self-esteem will not be ashamed of what they do, even be proud of it, especially if it causes them to feel happy. Another proof of Kemal’ s low self esteem is shown below. Late at night, when I had sunk into the cushions on the L-shaped divan, the raki I had drunk with Tarik Bey would make itself felt, and I could almost drop off to sleep, watching the television screen with one eye open, and with the other it was as if I were looking into the depth of my soul; I would feel the shame I had at other times succeeded in banishing, the shame that life had brought me to such a strange place, and an anger would well up urging me to get on my feet and leave the house. p.298 Frustration, as pointed by Melanie J. V. Fennell, is one of the many signs of low self-esteem 2009: 10. It is not uncommon for people with low self-esteem to get enraged suddenly. The distress feeling is usually caused by not being able to change something. In the above quotation, after feeling happy for having dinner with Fusun’ s family, Kemal suddenly feels ashamed and angry upon realizing that he has no other world but at Fusun’ s side. It is implied that Kemal feels frustrated as he is unable to get rid of his obsession though it disgraces him. Having low self-esteem might lead a person to feel an unusual body sensation that can take the form of feeling tired and tension Fennell, 2009: 11. In Kemal, this body sensation is present in the form of tingling sensation when he is either happy or excited, even though he merely does everyday things. I was very happy. But this was not an elation I could weigh in my mind and understand. It was something that I felt on the nape of my neck when I answered the phone, or at the tip of my spine when running up the stairs, or in my nipples when ordering food at a Taksim restaurant. p.49 Having a tendency to be self conscious is another sign of low self-esteem. People with extreme self consciousness think that they are constantly being judged and evaluated by others. They may, as a result, become worried as to what other PLAGIAT MERUPAKAN TINDAKAN TIDAK TERPUJI people think of themselves, as shown in below quotation. “What is it?” I suddenly realize that I would be unable to say that it was a quince grater. If I did, it seemed to me they would instantly understand that I was obsessed with Fusun and had for years been visiting four or five times a week the house she shared with her family, such a hopeless and humiliating situation as to oblige them to see me as a man with strange inclinations, harboring evil. p.380 The quotation shows Kemal being interrogated by a soldier while driving home from Fusun’ s house. The soldier asks Kemal about the tool he puts beside him in the car. Kemal is paralyzed and unable to answer what it is, as he assumes that if he tells him the soldier will learn that Kemal suffers from obsessive love. He is afraid to be perceived as a creepy man with strange habit of collecting things. This is a proof of Kemal’ s self consciousness, because it is impossible that the soldier will draw such conclusion based on only asking what it is that Kemal brings with him in the car. People with low self-esteem have the need to get approval from others to feel good about themselves. They need to be reassured that they are liked and accepted. Below quotation shows Kemal’ s need for other’ s approval. It was not uncommon for me to feel this way on those dark, dire nights when Fusun’ s expressions had displeased me, when she had offered hardly a smile, and even less if I brushed against her, intending nothing, but having done so, requiring a sign of assurance. p.298 In the above quotation, it is described how Kemal feels dejected to see Fusun being unhappy when Kemal visits her. Kemal then intentionally brushes against Fusun to see how she will react. By doing so, Kemal hopes to get a kind of approval that he is not the cause of Fusun’ s bad mood. He needs to feel liked and accepted. Another proof of Kemal’ s approval from others is shown as follows. My present also helped me with awkward first moments after my arrival. During the early years, I’ d bring pistachio baklava, Fusun’ s favorite, or water pastries from the renowned bakery in Nisantasi. Then I would take my place discreetly, very much like a pupil who has come to class late. p.293. As Kemal feels ashamed to visit Fusun’ s family very frequently, he feels the need to “buy” the approval of Fusun and her parents that he is accepted there. To get it, Kemal will bring something every time he comes. He either brings gift or favorite food of theirs. Oversensitive to criticism is also a trait often exhibited by people with low self- esteem. Other’ s criticism might drive them overly offended as it signifies that they are wrong and incompetent. Below is the quotation describing Kemal’ s oversensitivity to criticism. “Kemal Bey, if at all possible, let’ s try and avoid this. Is your brother aware of all this?” Kenan asked. He explained that we could not possibly manage alone, and if we failed to fulfill the order in time, it would harm not just Satsat but the prospect of the other firms involved, and subject us to heavy penalties in the New York courts. “The arrow has already left the bow. We’ ll have to carry on without Turgay Bey.” Kenan remained in front of me, insisting that I needed to speak to Osman. “Kenan Bey,” I roared, “you are not working in my brother’ s firm. You are working for me” “Kemal Bey, please don’ t take offense. Of course I’m aware of this. If you don’ t ring him right away to talk about a matter this important, he is goin g to be very upset. Your brother is aware that you’ve not been having the easiest time recently, and like everyone else, he only wants to help you.” The words “everyone else” almost detonated my anger. I was tempted to fire him then and there. p.172 The above quotation shows a conversation between Kemal and his employee. Out of jealousy toward Turgay Bey who once admires Fusun, Kemal cancels a business plan with him. His employee advices him not to do so and to at least consult his brother beforehand. H owever, it is clear that Kenan’ s wise advise offends Kemal. As a result, Kemal feels the urge to fire Kenan straight away. Kemal’ s overreaction also shows that Kemal is angry and frustrated easily, which are also the signs of low self-esteem. Having low self-esteem also means having a tendency to be a people pleaser. This is rooted from their need to feel liked by other people. Therefore, it is common for them to bend to other people’ s wish and demand. Below is a quotation showing that Kemal is a people pleaser. I surveyed the tables at the back of the garden, hoping to catch a sight of Fusun, but she seemed to have vanished into thin air. Misery spread through my body. “Are you looking for someone?” “My fiancée is waiting for me, but of course I’ d love to sit down and have a drink with you. . . .” They were very pleased, and at once they pushed together their chairs to make room for one more. No, I didn’ t need a place setting, just a little more raki. p.115 The above quotation shows an occurrence in Kema l’ s engagement party with Sibel. In the middle of the party, Kemal scans the ballroom hotel, looking for Fusun. When asked, Kemal answers that he tries to spot Sibel in the crowd. Although he does not want to make small talk with the guests and wants to walk around looking for Fusun instead, Kemal states that he will be very happy to sit with his guests, a statement to which they response in delight. The quotation is a proof that Kemal is a people pleaser.

2. Dysfunctional Family Background

Family background, especially the characteristics of the parents and the relationship among family members play an important factor in the development of obsessive love. The majority of obsessor comes from an unhealthy family which provides them with insufficient love, respect, approval, and protection, thereby making them feel abandoned. Subconsciously, this feeling of abandonment drives obsessors to desperately and compulsively regain the lost love. However, obsessors will shift this connection compulsion from parents to their object of obsession. Forward, 2002: 172-174. Kemal comes from an upper class and bourgeouise family in Istanbul. However, throughout the novel it is implied that he does not have the most loving and supportive kind of family, which very likely be one of the causes of his obsessive love toward Fusun. Susan Forward states that parents whose characteristics are domineering, highly critical, and highly perfectionist might indirectly ruin a child’ s self -esteem and make them feels unloved and rejected. This case is found in a large number of obsessors Forward, 2002: 180. Therefore, it is very possible that both Kemal’ s low self -esteem and obsessive love are rooted from having a parent that falls exactly into those types of characteristics. Below is a quotation suggesting that Kemal’ s mother is a highly critical and domineering person. “They should ban miniskirts on anyone who doesn’ t have the legs,” she said, frowning at another guest. Then: “It wasn’ t us who seated the Pamuk family all the way at th e back” she said in answer to a question posed by my father, whereupon she pointed out some other guests: “Look at what’ s become of Fazila Hanim. She used to be such a beauty, but nothing remains of it. Oh, I wish they had left her at home, if only I hadn ’ t seen that poor woman like this. . . .Those headscarf people must be relations of Sibel’ s mother. . . .I’ ve had no use for Hicabi Bey since he left that lovely rose of a wife and his children to marry that coarse woman. I’ m going to trash Nevzat the hairdresser — that shameless man gave Zumrut exactly the same style as me. Who are these people? Look at the noses on that couple —my God, don’ t they look just like foxes?” p.104 In the above quotation, it is described how Kemal’ s mother gives sharp comment a nd criticism about nearly anything and anyone during Kemal’ s engagement party. Her criticism, though, is not the constructive one as it is mostly about other people’ s appearance and physical features. It is also implied from the quotation that his mother is an authoritarian figure as she thinks someone should make a rule about who should and should not wear miniskirt for the sake of appropriateness. When Fusun rose ceremoniously from the table and went over to Lemon’ s cage, I got up, too. “For God’ s sake, don’ t bother with that bird while we’ re still eating Don’ t worry, you have plenty of time left to spend together. . . . Stop, stop right there, I’ m not letting either of you back at the table until you’ ve washed your hands,” my mother cried. p.463 In th e above quotation, Kemal’ s mother exhibits authoritarian characteristic when she strictly forbids Kemal and Fusun to sit after going near Fusun’ s birdcage. She demands them to wash their hands although they do not actually touch the bird. This occurrence h appens in Fusun’ s house as Kemal’ s mother visits Fu sun’ s house for the first time. The fact that Kemal’ s mother being only a guest yet not stopping her to command the house owner suggests that Kemal’ s mother is a bossy figure. In fact, Kemal’ s mother carri es her bossy and domineering figure into how she handles the family. “My mother had previously banned the customary serving of peppermint and strawberry liquor in crystal glasses on a silver tray, because sometimes my father drank too much p.35”. The quo ted line shows how Kemal’ s mother seems to be in charge in the family, instead of Kemal’ s father, as she is the one who deems what to have and what not to have in the house though what she bans is part of a tradition. Kemal’ s mother is also a very proud p erson. She knows that she is seen PLAGIAT MERUPAKAN TINDAKAN TIDAK TERPUJI by others as having a very high status, both materially and socially. “When my mother liked or generally approved of someone, she would make sure they heard it when she discreetly told us so, because she enjoyed seeing their embarrassment proof of her own power p.136”. It is implied that Kemal’ s mother is extreme about liking and disliking someone. She never hesitates to let people know how she views them, be it good or bad. The above quotation shows that she enjoys seein g Kemal’ s employee getting embarrassed after Kemal’s mother praises him. Usually people are happy when praised, so embarrassment is likely caused by being praised by someone highly admired and reputable. Another similar characteristic of Kemal’ s mother th at might contribute to both Kemal’ s low self -esteem and obsessive love is controlling. It seems that Kemal’ s mother likes to supervise Kemal. “Then, changing course, she said,”There’ s going to be a party on Esat Bey’ s wha rf this evening; they sent a man ov er with an invitation. Why don’ t you go— I can have them put my chair under the fig tree, and I can watch you from here.” p.260. Kemal is a man in his middle thirties. However, the quotation shows that her mother still likes to supervise his every move, e ven at a party. This is a proof of her mother’ s controlling and domineering behavior that might lead Kemal being a self- conscious person. In her book titled Obsessive Love: When It Hurts Too Much to Let Go, Susan Forward also states that highly perfectionist parents make a child feeling rejected and unloved 2002: 21. This is because highly perfectionist person is very hard to impress as they always find even the slightest mistake in every situation and therefore tend to hold praise and approval from their children no matter what they do. Below is a quotation describing Kemal’ s mother’ s highly perfectionist characteristic. From time to time she would grumble: ”Sidika and Saffet are related both to me and to your dear departed father, so their names should have come just after Perran and her husband. Sukru Pasha’ s daughters, Nigran, Turkan, and Sukran, have also been put in the wrong order. There was no need to include Uncle Zekeriya’ s first wife, Melike the Arab. After all, she couldn’ t have been married to your uncle for more than three months. That poor little baby of your great-aunt Nesime, who died when she was two months, her name wasn’ t Gul, it was Aysegul. Who did you go to for your information when you were writing this up? p.227 The above quota tion shows Kemal’ s mother perfectionist trait as she criticizes Kemal making many mistakes when putting the names of his distant family in his father’ s death announcement in the papers. Kemal’ s mother feels it is essential to put all the names in the right order and with the right spelling. Aside from having a highly critical, perfectionist, and domineering mother, Kemal comes from a family whose relationship between each member is unhealthy. Susan Forward states that obsessive love is caused by unhealthy family in which one’ s need for respect, warmth, love, approval, and protection is not met 2002: 173. Below is a quotation implying an unhealthy relationship in Kemal’ s family. After we had both fallen silent, my mother wagged her finger at me ominously a nd said, “Be careful You’ re about to become engaged to a very special, very charming, very lovely girl Why don’ t you show me this handbag you’ ve bought her. Mumtaz”—this was my father’ s name— “Look—Kemal’ s bought Sibel a handbag” “Really?” said my fathe r, his face expressing such contentment as to suggest he had seen and approved the bag as a sign of how happy his son and his sweetheart were, but not once did he take his eyes off the screen. p.10