The Symptoms of Obsessive Love Love at First Sight

on it. While creating drama may bring a sense of excitement, obsessors may also get disappointed by little setback from the drama itself Peabody, 2005: 40-43. vi. High Level of Tolerance for Suffering in Relationships Obsessors often have a very high level of tolerance when they are faced with abuse and neglect by their object of obsession. They would rather befriend with any kinds of pain resulting from relationship with their object of obsession than face the possibility of separation or breaking up. The high level for tolerating can be traced back to their childhood. As a child, obsessors were powerless to change the neglect and rejection from their parents. Therefore, from then they had learned to adapt themselves by settling themselves familiar and comfortable with pain. They do not think that they deserve better relationship Peabody, 2005: 50-51. vii. Being Ruled by Libido While some obsessors are more obsessed in attachment, bonding, and a fantasy to “live happily ever after” and therefore are ready to cling to their object of obsession even without sex, there are a great number of obsessors who is ruled more by their libido. In addition to having a tendency to eroticism, these obsessors often confuse lust with love, get dominated by sexual needs, become blinded by the sexual attraction of their object of obsession, and consider passion as the most important aspect in their relationship as opposed to commitment, communication, honesty, and some other important aspects in a healthy relationship Peabody, 2005: 54-55. viii. Controlling Techniques Due to their fear of losing their object of obsession, obsessors feel a strong need to keep and maintain their relationship with the object of obsession. They need to have the upper hand in the relationship to ensure its continuity. To have the control over the relationship as well as their object of obsession without risking losing them in the process, obsessors likely use manipulation instead of the more direct controlling techniques. Peabody, 2005: 55. ix. Unhealthy Preoccupation Being preoccupied with a new lover in a new relationship is very common and it is not necessarily considered as obsessive love. However, when the preoccupation grows too strong and driven by obsession, it is likely the case of obsessive love. Obsessors will often neglect family, friends, and activities they used to enjoy just to focus their attention on their object of obsessi on. As time goes on, obsessor’ s world seems to get narrow Forward, 2002: 9. The root of their withdrawal from the world is their own belief that they have found the person they have been looking for in their whole life. The belief often comes without reason. Susan Forward is quoted as saying: Obsessive lovers truly believe--sometimes without realizing it — that their “One Magic Person” alone can make them feel happy and fulfilled, solve all their problems, give them the passion they’ ve yearned for, and make them feel more wanted and loved than they have ever felt before. Forward, 2002, 21

b. The Causes of Obsessive Love i. Low Self-esteem

“A person is not going to become an obsessive lover unless he or she has low self- esteem” Peabody, 2005: 31. Susan Forward states that rejection and abandonment of the parents sabotage the obsessors’ self esteem and self confidence to be independent and in the end it makes obsessors cling to their object of obsession 2002: 173. Obsessive lover is always an individual who has such a very low self-esteem. How much they have the self-esteem can be seen easily from the way they view themselves and the way they behave around other people. In her book titled Overcoming Low Self-esteem, Melanie J. V. Fennell mentions the list commonly had by people with low self-esteem, those are seeing themselves as invaluable, difficulty asserting needs andor speaking out, avoidance of challenges and opportunities, bowed posture, hushed voice, hesitancy, anxiety, guilt, shame, fear, anger, frustration, uncomfortable body sensation, fatigue, low energy, tension, underachieve in school and work, self consciousness, oversensitivity to criticism, approval-seeking, eagerness to please, and not taking care of themselves by smoking and heavy drinking 2009: 10-12. ii. Dysfunctional Family Background In the case of a healthy family, parents will provide children with love, respect, approval, and sense of security that will develop the child’ s self-confidence and courage to be emotionally independent without feeling abandoned. However, obsessors come from an unhealthy family in which the parents are unable to bring the sense of love, respect, approval, and protection. As a result, the child is timid about being emotionally independent while at the same time tries to gain the unfulfilled love and connection with the parents. To sum up, a person who is deprived of family love may end up growing up as an emotionally dependent adult with low self-esteem, an excessive hunger for love, and a tremendous fear of abandonment and separation, thus being the root of obsessive love Forward, 2002: 172-175. Aside from the actual physical or emotional abandonment and rejection, there is another issue which left a person to feel unloved which is the characteristic of the parents themselves as is stated below “There is another form of rejection that can hamper a child’ s self - esteem, sometimes overt sometimes not, that I find in the family background of a surprising number of obsessive lovers. This rejection results from parents who withhold approval, who have such unrealistic expectations that their children never stand a chance to measure up. These parents are invariably domineering, highly critical, and highly perf ectionist” Forward, 2002: 180. iii. Chemical Imbalance Chemical imbalance in the body is gained as a result of excessive consumption of alcohol and drugs. Alcohol, especially, is thought to have effects on mood and temperament, while distort one’s a bility to think logically. Depression and feeling overly moody are also common effects on heavy drinking. Many obsessors have underlying addictive behavior that can worsen their obsessive love, as stated below.