Suspicious The Characteristics of Kawashima Masayuki

35 worried about what would happen to him if Yoko became closer to Little Rie. That is why the author concludes that he is anxious. Still explaining about the quotation above, Kawashima became anxious when he faced a certain situation and condition related to someone he loved, cared about and liked. He became anxious toward something vague in front of him. The following quotation will show how Kawashima Masayuki became anxious when he was disturbed by his own thought. Here, he felt anxious when the tension in him increased. At the time when his emotion and thought were in tension, some questions appeared in his mind and it ended into fear and anxiety that were united to disturb his own thought. “Yoko had awakened but hadn’t seemed to notice anything, and for the moment, standing on the empty street of their neighborhood in Kokubunji, away from the room with the sleeping baby, he felt a certain degree of relief. It’s just my neurosis, he reasoned with himself. I just get freaked out imagining I might stab the baby. It’s not as if I actually want to stab her. Who doesn’t imagine things that make them anxious?” Murakami, 2007: 20. The above quotation shows how anxious Kawashima Masayuki was. His emotion and thought made him think clearly toward all acts and imaginations that he wanted to do. Here, his anxiety appeared every time he got closer to his baby, which caused him to sweat and at the same time, the desire to stab his baby increased and then continue to imagine that he might stab his daughter. The imagination that appeared in Kawashima Masayuki’s mind is caused by the reaction that he felt and thought of. Through this novel, the writer sees that his anxiety had already messed up his mind. All question and things that he was 36 thinking are influenced his anxiety. Murphy said that a secret that appears in the main character’s mind reveals some oddity from Kawashima Masayuki’s life. The last evidence that also supports Kawashima Masayuki’s anxiety can be seen when he met a young prostitute named Sanada Chiaki. In the story, Kawashima thought that Sanada read his note about his plan to stab someone. Here, Kawashima did not know that actually Sanada had mental illness. She was described as a person who had bad experience in childhood life and got abused by their parents. That is why every time she felt uncomfortable with the situation in front of her, she would hurt herself and Kawashima made her feel insecure because he shouted ‘idiot’ to her p.89. In short, Kawashima did not realize that Sanada Chiaki was a fragile person, just like him. Below is the quotation showing that he was anxious after he prevented Sanada from committing suicide. “Kawashima grunted agreement and stood up. It was then that he noticed his overnight bag lying on its side against the opposite wall, and a shiver emanating from his bitten finger rippled through every cell in his body. He experienced a surge of nausea and looked over at the girl, who had turned her back to him and was climbing into her slip. I have no choice now, he thought, and the chill and the nausea merged with a peculiar bubbling excitement. I have no choice but to kill her. If she read the notes and lived, there couldn’t be a next time. She’d be sure to tell someone: I had a client like that once” Murakami, 2007: 117. His anxiety appeared when he realized that Sanada was so close to his notebook that she would be able to read all his plans. Here, Kawashima got anxious because he could not let Sanada uncover all his plans and tell anything to anyone. Thus, he was thinking to kill Sanada as an effort to keep himself safe and to overcome his anxiety. 37

3. Fearful

Kawashima Masayuki is described as a fearful person. The abuse that he received during his childhood made him afraid and fragile. Every time he was scolded by somebody, he felt guilty and thought that he need to be punished or he would be left alone. His fear of losing someone made him do everything to relieve his fear in order to keep that person to stay with him. It can be seen from the quotation below. “The woman had just go back from work and was sitting before the mirror, removing her make-up. He tried to hug her from behind, and she wouldn’t let him. All she said was, ‘Don’t touch me,’ but her manner was so cold and harsh that it terrified him. He put his arms around her again, and again she spurned him, prising his fingers loose this time and shaking him off. ‘Stop breathing your fucking thinner fumes on me’ she snarled. Kawashima was devastated. All he could think was: I need to be punished. She’s mad at me, but she won’t hit me, so I’ve got to be punish myself. If I don’t, she might leave. He walked to the heater and shoved his right hand into the pot of boiling water” Murakami, 2007: 26. The conversation happened when Kawashima stayed with a late-thirties stripper who was his ex-girlfriend. Kawashima stayed with her for nearly two years and he felt comfortable with her. One day his ex-girlfriend was angry at him because of his passive attitude. At first, when his ex-girlfriend was angry at him, he did not take it seriously because he thought that she just showed common anger for a while. For him, it was impossible if she was really mad at him because he thought that he was the only one who cared about her. Actually his ex-girlfriend was really mad at him until she did not allow Kawashima to touch her. At that time, her manner was so cold and harsh until it terrified Kawashima. The reaction when he was scolded already made him feel insecure and afraid that his ex- girlfriend would leave him. 38 More evidence that shows his fear is when he heard the voice that he used to hear at Home. That voice made him remember the situation and condition at Home a place for children who get abused by their parents. Every time he heard it and remembered his past life at Home, he would imagine it then he became terrified and fragile. He remembered what he felt when he was at Home. There, he saw that many kids at Home were similar to him, children who wanted to be loved and cared by their own parents. Therefore, every time he remembered a life at Home, he felt afraid. It can be seen from the quotation below. “Keeping them closed was no more defence against the images that accompanied the sparks than plugging his ears was against the voice from inside, the voice he heard echoing off the interior walls of his skin. Only voices and images from the external world could neutralise those from inside. That was why Kawashima’s greatest fear-far greater for him than the fear of death – was of losing his sight and hearing to some illness or accident. Cut off from actual sights and sounds, with the unchecked terror swelling inside him, he knew he’d go mad in no time” Murakami, 2007: 141-142. Another fear that also terrified him also can be seen when he thought that what his mother used to say to him when he was a kid was right. It happened when Kawashima was at Sanada’s apartment. There, he learned about Sanada until he remembered the terrifying story that he got from his mother. Usually, when his mother got angry and beat him, his mother also said bad words to him like he would hear voices that could not be heard by people around him, he would be manipulated, and would become crazy like his mother’s friend who suffered from schizophrenia p.152. Below is the evidence that shows his fear of being manipulated by his own thought.