Anxious The Characteristics of Kawashima Masayuki
38
More evidence that shows his fear is when he heard the voice that he used to hear at Home. That voice made him remember the situation and condition at
Home a place for children who get abused by their parents. Every time he heard it and remembered his past life at Home, he would imagine it then he became
terrified and fragile. He remembered what he felt when he was at Home. There, he saw that many kids at Home were similar to him, children who wanted to be loved
and cared by their own parents. Therefore, every time he remembered a life at Home, he felt afraid. It can be seen from the quotation below.
“Keeping them closed was no more defence against the images that accompanied the sparks than plugging his ears was against the voice from
inside, the voice he heard echoing off the interior walls of his skin. Only voices and images from the external world could neutralise those from
inside. That was why Kawashima’s greatest fear-far greater for him than the fear of death – was of losing his sight and hearing to some illness or
accident. Cut off from actual sights and sounds, with the unchecked terror swelling inside him, he knew he’d go mad in no time” Murakami, 2007:
141-142.
Another fear that also terrified him also can be seen when he thought that what his mother used to say to him when he was a kid was right. It happened
when Kawashima was at Sanada’s apartment. There, he learned about Sanada until he remembered the terrifying story that he got from his mother. Usually,
when his mother got angry and beat him, his mother also said bad words to him like he would hear voices that could not be heard by people around him, he would
be manipulated, and would become crazy like his mother’s friend who suffered from schizophrenia p.152. Below is the evidence that shows his fear of being
manipulated by his own thought.
39
“People like the one his mother had described were called schizophrenics. And one of the symptoms of a schizophrenic breakdown was the delusion
that someone or something was manipulating you, making you say things or do things against your will. I didn’t plan to kill her, officer. It was
beyond my control. The girl started stabbing her own leg, and after that she begged me to kill her. She lay down naked on the bed, and when I
planted the knife in her she was very happy and died smiling. Imagine saying something like that, Kawashima thought. They’d put me in the
nuthouse for sure. If anyone’s manipulating me, though, it isn’t this girl. She’s just a servant, a slave.” Murakami, 2007: 152-153.
The statement from Kawashima’s mother really influences his life.
Children are usually easy to save memories and it happened to Kawashima. Since he was kid until he had become an adult, he could not forget every single word
that came out from his mother’s mouth. Kawashima thought that what his mother used to tell that he had already been manipulated by the condition that he had
faced was true. That is why he started to think about what he would have to say if he was interrogated by the police if he killed Sanada. Here, he thought that it was
not Sanada who manipulated him but some random suicidal erotomaniac that wanted him to go insane.