Carla does not find the meaning of life in this moment also because she does not have a freedom of will, one of the bases of Logotherapy. Frankl 157-
158 states people who have a freedom to take a stand on every condition they face must have responsibility. Here, on the limitations, people have the ability and
freedom to change their life condition in order to gain a more qualified life. Unfortunately, in this case, Carla does not have it. She is trapped in her self-
reproachful feeling. Furthermore, she is not able to change the condition because she has promised to her father for keeping the secret. She is determined by the
power out of herself, which in this case is the power of her father. It also lets her become an introverted person.
b. The Failure of Being a Good Nun for God
Carla’s will to meaning is also seen in her willingness to be a good nun for God. Unfortunately, Carla’s struggle to be a good Nun for God also fails later
when she finds a frustrated feeling as she cannot take a stand on some problems. She feels hurt when she is not allowed to learn to play the piano. Her superior is
afraid that Carla does not have any talent for music at all. Furthermore, when Carla wants to learn to drive, she is refused again. The refusal brings her to
desperate frustration Van Raay 234-235. She cannot take a stand on the conditions she faces. Self-pity beckons
seductively causes the hidden emotions to open slowly. Although her loyalty to the Society is intact, she does not have the Spirit of the Society any longer
because she feels refused. She gets a feeling of boredom there. Finally, she decides to leave the convent.
My loyalty to the Society was still intact – so much so that I had never
opened my mouth to anyone on the outside, not even my parents – but it
was true that I no longer embodied the Spirit of the Society, which relied entirely on joyful obedience and a respectful and intimate association with
superiors Van Raay 253.
Carla’s failure to find the meaning of life through her struggle to be a good nun for God can be seen from her frustrated feeling. Frankl 168 states that the
frustration is a result of the condition when people cannot find the meaning of life. in this case, Carla suffers from her failure so that she finds the meaningless
feeling, bored feeling, and apathy.
c. The Failure of Being a God’s Callgirl
Becoming God’s Callgirl makes Carla feels happy at the beginning but not
in the end. Her vision of God’s Callgirl does not run as well as Carla thinks in the
beginning, even she finds a meaningless life. It happens in one of occasions when Carla meets Phil, her client. Carla wants to give the best service for him. Phil
confides that he has had a great pleasure with her. It makes Carla happy. Unfortunately, it changes when Phil finally feels remorseful to betray his wife.
The remorseful feeling makes Phil infinitely lonelier. His spilling of sexual energy has proven to him how an empty life is without love and a real intimacy. This
situation makes Carla feel concerned to re- consider her vision of being God’s
Callgirl Van Raay 338. Carla’s experience with Phil changes her thought about a relationship. She
thinks that her relationship with her clients is false. She wants to be a real person in a real relationship while she works. She knows that her fantasy of the Chinese
nun is not real. Besides, she starts to feel confused about her vision of being God’s Callgirl and then finally she finds the meaningless life again.
After Phil left that afternoon, life would never be exactly the same again. More than anything, I now wanted to be real. To learn to be real, so my
reasoning went, i needed to define more exactly what was good and what was bad. Having thrown out my Christian God at the end of 1969, I failed
to replace him with any other sort of God. I felt now that I was missing
something in the depth of me, a longing that wasn’t being fulfilled by my work. There must be some kind of wisdom out there that surpassed what
the Catholic Church had to offer; I just hadn’t come across it yet. I wanted an ultimate truth, something that could command my entire devotion Van
Raay 339. Becoming
God’s Callgirl is not an appropriate profession and it is against positive values
in society. However, God’s Callgirl is a prostitute that gets negative estimation in the society. She has to accept that morality often breeds
prejudice, which the local council once banishes her. Furthermore, Carla has a visit from the Vice squad one day. From these experiences, she realizes that there
is no respect for God’s Callgirl which excites the desire psychical and spiritual energies as her vision. God’s Callgirl is considered as a common denominator of
vice Van Raay 342. Carla loses her ha
ppiness of being God’s Callgirl. At the age of forty-five, she realizes that she is getting older. Her hands are becoming slowly but surely
ruined from being coated in oil so often. Her muscles and veins are beginning to stand out. She does not have any good things of becoming a prostitute anymore.
She also has no profession to fall back Van Raay 342. Carla wants to try hard to leave her work as a prostitute. The pure
enjoyment which she uses to know is no longer there. Unfortunately, she keeps deferring to really leave her work because of being paid well and meeting her kind
