131 as a mistake. “But why then when I honestly admit the truth, you labelled me as
wrong?” LYMD, 50
151
Therefore, as Siker emphasizes: “depending upon one’s religious and social context, coming out can be a difficult and arduous task for gay, lesbian, and
bisexual people. Essentially, they must set themselves in opposition to the norms and expectations of the majority of society.... Depending upon the surrounding
environment, one may risk losing contact with ones family of origin, losing one’s job or career status, losing one’s status as clergy or laity in some organized
religions, and losing the security of freedom from homophobic harassment and violence.”
152
From the quotation above, it is noted that religion and societal norms are among factors that make the process of coming out not only difficult but also
stressful and risky. Munro explains that the reasons why some lesbians prefer to stay in the closet or only come out in certain areas or situations in their lives,
because of the possible bigger risks which can come over toward them after coming out. Since not all workplaces and families are cooperative, being fired,
lost their family or community, be the object of harassment and violence are the guranttee for lesbians to face.
153
Thus lesbians need to consider the circumstances when and where they need to come out.
b. Pretending to Love Man and Getting Married Heterosexually
Another solution used by lesbians and their families is usually done through marriage bond. Either a lesbian is forced to marry a man by her parents or
151
“Namun kenapa saat aku mengakui dengan jujur hal yang sebenarnya, kalian justru mencap ku salah?”
152
Jeffrey S. Siker, Homosexuality and Religion: An Encyclopedia, pp. 95-96.
153
Kali Munro, Lesbian Relationships: A Collection of Articles, pp. 12-13.
132 the lesbian herself decides to marry a man. Because of family and social pressure,
lesbians choose marrying with a man as a solution. In Indonesian culture marriage is considered to be a sign of a successful
life. Being married with children is considered one of the highest achievements in life. Hence, it is used by lesbians to cover their true identity. In “Saga”, after
being separated from her partner by their parents, the main character has to pretend to love men. She starts relationships with one man after another but none
of them can win her heart because she does not desire men. She keeps pretending to preserve her reputation. She wants to make her family and people around her
think she has been ‘normal’. One day she agrees to get married to a rich widower named Erald:
How hurt my feeling in that time was. And those hurt feelings were almost disappearing when one by one man got into my live
in turn. I tried to open my heart for them, but I felt empty toward them actually here inside my heart. But for the sake of my
reputation before parents and family, I acted like normal woman, who adores man, even when my heart has tied only to Lorena.
Until Erald, the most gallant, modern, and handsome widower in my village insist me to marry him. I gave up. And I tried my best
to be a good wife for him, although I returned to be hurt again in and uncertainty.
154
Saga, 85 However, as it is portrayed in this story, this marriage becomes a very
annoying and full of sorrow. Getting married to a man is often a fearsome and awful experience faced by many lesbians. Lesbians marry heterosexually for a
154
“Betapa sakit perasaan ku saat itu. Dan sakit itu hampir pudar ketika ku kenal lelaki demi lelaki yang singgah menghampiri ku. Aku hampa pada mereka sebenarnya. Tapi demi menjaga
reputasi di depan orang tua dan sanak keluarga, aku tampil seolah perempuan normal, yang memuja lelaki, meski hati ku tertambat hanya pada Lorena. Hingga Erald, duda ganteng paling
parlente dan modern dikampung ku secara setengah memaksa meminang ku. Aku menyerah saat itu. Dan berusaha sebaik mungkin menjadi istri yang baik untuknya. Meski akhinya aku kembali
terluka, terlunta-lunta.”
133 variety of reasons; some of the examples include hiding their sexual orientation or
showing off to parents, family and society that they love and have desire toward men. They do so in order to make them to be considered “normal” as well as to
keep their reputation before the family and society. The lesbian’s marriage life is portrayed as very unhappy and full of suffering:
Erald just came home. I didn’t know from what night club or any pub he was. A very sharp smell of women blending with the
perfume of hookers. Then, forcefully he opened my vagina. Not even gave me a chance to make myself ready. Saga, 84
155
“Hey, what are you fantasizing about?” He kicked my butt, I sighed. Then he poured my body with cold beer. It felt so hurt
because the beer hit my wounded nipples which nearly broken by his bite two days ago. I shivered, bear the pain. Saga, 86
156
In “Ketika Langit Senja”, a lesbian character named Ken has to see her partner get married with a man. Her partner is her best friend and they have been
in a relationship for 5 years. Her partner’s parents ask her partner to get married. Thus, her partner wants them to come out to the family, so that the pressure to
marry a man can be stopped. On the other hand, Ken herself is not ready to disclose their relationship because she is very close to her partner’s parents. Their
parents know that they are very close friends. She does not want to bring a conflict into the family. Thus, she finally decides to stay in the closet.
155
Ia baru pulang dari night club atau pub mana, aku tak tahu. Aroma perempuan menusuk, berbaur dengan parfum perempuan-perempuan malam. Dibukanya dengan paksa liang wanita ku.
Tak diberi aku kesempatan untuk bersiap.”
156
Aku menghela nafas ketika Erald menendang bokong ku. “Hei, kamu melamun apa?” Diguyurnya tubuh telanjang ku dengan bir dingin. Sungguh pedih
sebab mengenai puting payudara ku yang masih luka ia gigit hampir putus dua hari yang lalu. Aku mengigil menahan sakit.”
134 Do you want our relationship keep continuing secretly like this?
It still not too late if you want us to fight for everything? What shall I say? Fight everything means to fight for our sincere
and extraordinary love whereas in the eyes of my parents and Rani’s is an irrationality? It’s the same to kill myself. I have
considered Rani’s parents like my own, and vice versa. Then everything will be destroyed easily, at least I myself have already
known how they would react and the ending is. Mentally, I am not ready. KLS, 104
157
Letting her partner to marry with a man and having her relationship with her secretly are used as solution for this lesbian couple. They use this solution to
overcome problems they face because of the family pressure to marry a man. Since they love each other and they cannot stop this relationship, a win-win
solution is finally created by this couple; by marrying the man and at the same time secretly keeping their relationship. The solution used by this lesbian
character can be seen as part of her struggle to fight for her relationship with the woman she loves. However, this solution brings Ken into a dilemma. It is not easy
for her to let the woman she loves live with a man. She feels pain inside her heart. On the other hand, letting her partner marry with a man actually forces her
psychologically and sexually to have two relationships at the same time. How does it feel to imagine the person you love so much spend
the whole day with someone else? Imagine him passing the nights in the arms of someone else? It’s so painful indeed. But it is a
consequence of my choice. I have to blind eyes and ears, especially my heart. KLS, 105
158
157
“Apa kau ingin hubungan kita akan sembunyi-sembunyi seperti ini terus? “Masih belum terlambat jika kau ingin kita memperjuangkan segalanya?”
Apa yang harus ku jawab? Memperjuangkan segalanya berarti memperjuangkan cinta yang bagi kami setengah mati tulus dan sangat luar biasa sedangkan di mata orang tua ku dan orang tua
Rani adalah sebuah ketidakmasukakalan. Bagiku itu sama saja dengan bunuh diri. Orang tua Rani sudah ku anggap seperti orang tua ku sendiri, begitu juga sebaliknya. Lalu semuanya akan
hancur dengan mudah, paling tidak aku sendiri sudah tahu akan bagaimana reaksi mereka dan bagaimana pula endingnya. Aku belum siap mental.
158
“Bagaimana rasanya membayangkan orang yang sangat kau cintai menghabiskan waktu sepanjang hari bersama orang lain, membayangkan tubuhnya melewati malam-malam dalam
135 These two Indonesian language short stories portray the decision of being
married heterosexually to cover their true sexual orientation is more because of family pressure and the social demand or social standard of life. As explained by
Beollstroff that “...when gay men and lesbi women speak about the imperative to marry, they emphasize parental pressure. Parents’ hopes that their children marry
reflect not just nationalist discourse but ethnolocalized beliefs about kinship.
159
” Therefore, the parents’ expectation about marriage incorporates understandings of
marriage as social duty. This imperative of marriage at the end forces lesbian to deal with heterosexual marriage and bisexual relationship even though they are
eventually a lesbian.
c. Lesbian vs Heterosexual Marriage: Bisexual Not Merely the Answer
