“Coming Out” or “In the Closet”?

124 apparently does not influence their will to be together as a partner. Yes, youre right. Im just dreaming too high and forget who I am. I don’t think there would be an office worker who wants to.... Yes I want, I interrupted her quickly, it is not a problem for us. BHK: p. 60 146 From this dialogue between Tia and her partner Tia realizes that she does not deserve to be her partner because she is only a street musician while Her is an officer. However, she directly proclaims that social class does not matter for her. She wants to have this relationship with Tia. She accepts Tia with all her conditions. The difference in this story is that the lesbian with low status does not face the problems faced by the character depicted in the English language short story “To Dance with No Music” above. She does not have rival and no need to compete with other women. This can be understood because in “Bukan Hari Kemarin”, the characters are not in the same position as those in “To Dance with No Music“. In conclusion, these two stories reveal that lesbian lifestyle options are not only available for middle and for high-class people. The same sex sexual practice also exists in lower class people. The couples are from both middle and lower class people. This problem is not only faced by a lesbian in the English language short story but also in the Indonesian language short story.

2. The Steps Taken by Lesbians to Overcome Problems Due to Their Sexual Orientation and Relationship

a. “Coming Out” or “In the Closet”? 146 “Ya, kamu benar. Aku hanya bermimpi terlalu tinggi dan lupa siapa aku ini. Mana mau seorang pekerja kantoran ….“Aku mau,” potong ku cepat, “itu tidak perlu kita permasalahkan.” 146 125 Siker defines: “Coming Out is the commonly used phrase that describes the process of claiming one’s identity as gay, lesbian, or bisexual and communicating that identity to others.” He explains that: “Historically, the meanings associated with coming out have changed in response to developments in both gay and heterosexual culture. Although coming out is most often thought of as an action by gay and lesbian persons, actually, it is an act in which all persons engage in on a daily basis”. 147 He continues to explain that in regards to sexual identity, individuals make choices about how they express themselves to others in almost every encounter they experience. For example, heterosexuals come out every time they introduce a spouse, wear a wedding ring, or engage in office talk about their boyfriends and girlfriends. Another problem faced by a lesbian and her partner is the issue of whether they should “come out” or “keep staying in the closet”. This issue often brings lesbians into conflict. Both lesbians in some of the Indonesian and English language short stories commonly conduct their relationship secretly; in other words, they hide it. It becomes a problem because the lesbian couples are often having different opinions. They are in conflict about either to keep hiding their relationship or be open to their family and public. It can be understood that some lesbians are not happy having a “hide and seek” relationship with their partners. They usually persuade their partners to come out, to stop hiding who they truely are and stop wearing a mask to hide their identity as lesbians. This situation is portrayed by Blaine and her partner, Leah in “The Eyes of March”. 147 Jeffrey S. Siker, Homosexuality and Religion. An Encyclopedia, Greenwood Publishing Group, Inc: USA, 2007, pp. 95-96. 126 Blaine wants to be free and stop hiding her relationship with her partner Leah. She is not happy with their secret relationship. She is no longer able to tolerate it because they are constantly lying, hiding and worrying all the time. Thus, she wants them to come out but it will endanger Leah. Thus, Leah always disagrees because she is afraid of her family and her husband’s family. If they find Leah having an affair with someone else, worse enough a woman, they would make her life like hell and possibly kill her because her husband family comes from a royal family. I was miserable, and I knew that Leah was too. I hated that we had to be secretive. I hated always having to meet her in such clandestine ways, but I knew that she had no other choice. We often traveled far and wide just so we could meet up someplace and spend time together. This had been the case tonight. A goddamn two-hour drive just to have dinner. Never in my life had I been secretive about a relationship, and I’d never been relegated to seeing a lover only on occasion. I mean, I loved Leah, but meeting once, maybe twice a month just wasn’t good enough anymore. …this was driving me insane. “Honey, you know we can’t go on like this Meeting only here and there, when you’re able to sneak away and I have a free evening. TEOM, 66- 67 Another obstacle that brings lesbian characters in the dilemma of whether to come out or to stay in the closet is the matter of respect and politeness. This is clearly depicted in “Driving Philosophy” where a lesbian couple decides not to come out because they want to respect their neighbours and keep their privacy. They realize that though their neighbours can be tolerant to their existence, the 127 society still has a paradigm of normal and abnormal. Therefore, they decide to stay in the closet. I’m sure the neighbours suspect what the relationship between Bren and me is, but they don’t ask out of politeness, and we don’t tell out of a need for privacy and normality. “I understand. I’ve no desire to come out either.” Anne Azel, DP, p. 84 In some of the Indonesian language short stories, staying in the closet or hiding their sexual identity is one of the solutions taken by lesbians in order to keep their relationship a secret. Some of the lesbian characters used this solution because it is the safest way. In two of the Indonesian language short stories “Bunga Sakura Di Hati Nia” and “Menggapai Langit Ketujuh”, the lesbians decide to stay in the closet because they do not want to hurt their mothers. They believe their mothers will not be able to accept the fact that their only daughters are lesbians. Therefore, they do not want to disappoint their mothers, a single parent who has given them birth and brought them up. The mother’s feelings are the most important reason for those lesbians to stay in the closet. In “Bunga Sakura Dihati Nia”, the lesbian character is described as being in a dilemma when the parents especially the mother asks about when she will get married, who her boyfriend or a candidate companion of her life is. It is portrayed as very difficult for lesbians to declare the truth and admit to their parents that they do not like men. That in fact she is a lesbian, a woman lover, especially in Indonesian families. 128 But, there’s no way I could tell to my mother that i don’t like man. More and more if i tell her openly that I am a lesbian. Perhaps, she will get unconscious even dying. BSHN, 66 148 In “Menggapai Langit KeTujuh”, Kirana goes to her hometown to visit her mother after 2 years. Besides missing her mother, the other reason for her coming home is to come out to her mother. She wants to tell her mother the truth of her life choice and what kind of life she has in Bandung. She wants to disclose to her mother that she does not like men and she has been living with a same sex partner in Bandung. She does not want to keep lying about a husband candidate when her mother asks about it. However, Kirana is confused whether she really has to disclose everything or can keep hiding the truth about her sexual orientation. Principally, Kirana wants to overcome the trauma of hiding her sexual orientation. On the other hand, she knows this fact will hurt her mother a lot, especially because she is the only child and her mother is a single parent. She raised Kirana by herself. She does not want to disappoint her mother who has loved and brought her up. This predicament situation is narrated in a dialogue between Kirana and her friend, Marion in the bus, on the way to her home town: After all this time I go through this life, the more I feel this burden becoming tougher. Do you think its good if I reveal all this burden to my mom? I have been a liar for so long before my mom. Im tired. Kirana said in a weak voice. Im not sure your mother can accept all of your confession. You know that, right? If the world out there cannot be that easy to 148 Tapi, tidak mungkin aku akan mengatakan kepada ibu bahwa aku sama sekali tidak menyukai yang namanya laki-laki. Dan lebih tidak mungkin lagi aku akan berucap begitu lantang bahwa aku seorang lesbian, yang ada mungkin ibu akan langsung pingsan bahkan langsung meregang nyawa. 129 accept the presence of the same-sex relationship, more and more now that youre willing to deal with your mother. Kirana, you have to remember Your mother has been struggling to raise you by herself alone. You must be aware of that. Don’t disappoint her. MLK-7, 113 149 In this story staying in the closet is used as a solution for two reasons: first, Kirana does not want to disappoint her mother or hurt her feelings. Secondly, she does not want to destroy her relationship with her mother. For all those reasons, she decides to stay in the closet. In “Hari Ini, Esok, dan Kemarin” by Maggie Tiojakin, a wife decides to keep hiding her relationship with a woman named Elena. She has a love affair with this woman for several months. Though she wants to come out to her husband, she always postpones the conversation. It is because she knows that this secret will hurt him. As narrated in the story, this woman’s marriage life is depicted as boring. Even though her husband is a good man, she feels bored and she can not get pregnant. Then one day, she meets a lesbian, Elena. And soon they are in love and commit to a same-sex relationship. She feels happy for having this woman in her life. However, at the same time she feels guilty because she betrays her own husband. The decision of staying in the closet in front of her husband also positions this woman to be a bisexual. 149 “Setelah sekian lama aku menjalani kehidupan ini, semakin berat aku merasakan beban ini. Apakah menurut mu ada baiknya aku mengungkapkan semua beban ini pada ibu ku? Telah sekian lama aku merasa jadi pendusta di hadapan ibu ku. Aku sudah lelah.” Kirana berkata dengan suara lemah. “Aku tidak yakin ibu mu dapat begitu saja menerima semua pengakuan mu. Kau tahu kan? Dunia di luar sana saja tidak akan mudah menerima kehadiran hubungan sesama jenis. Apalagi sekarang kau mau berhadapan dengan ibu mu. Ingatlah Kirana, bahwa selama ini ibu mu berjuang seorang diri membesarkan mu penuh kasih sayang” 130 Different to the previous stories discussed above where the lesbians prefer to keep staying in the closet and lie to their family, friends and society, another Indonesian language short story ‘Lelaki Yang Menetas Di Tubuhku’ by Ucu Agustin the lesbian character finally decides to come out. She wants to stop lying to herself about her feelings and sexual desires. Thus, she comes out to her father and mother. She confesses about her condition, that she is lesbian and she loves a woman. Moreover, to her colleagues at her work place, she comes out by introducing Naoko, her life partner as her wife. “About right or wrong. In your honest opinion, where my position is? Deceiving others is easy. But lying to myself is killing me. Therefore since last month I decided to swallow drugs to avoid early death. I named the formula: honesty aspirin. I met my Mom and Dad, admitted my real condition. I also formally introduces Naoko to my colleagues as my life partner; my wife.” LYMD, 50 150 In this case, the lesbian character uses coming out as the solution to her sexual identity. By coming out and telling the family and friends, she hopes to release her psychological pressure. By being honest to herself and people about who she truly is, people can accept her the way she is. Yet, after she comes out as narrated in the story, her parents and friends’ responses are not as she expected. When she tells them the truth, she is judged negatively and this truth is considered 150 “Karena tentang benar atau salah. Di manakah posisi ku menurut mu, sebenarnya? Berbohong pada orang mungkin aku mampu. Namun berbohong pada diri sendiri rasanya mau mampus saja. Maka sejak sebulan lalu akhirnya ku putuskan untuk menelan obat supaya aku tidak mati cepat. Aku menamai formula itu; aspirin kejujuran. Ku temui Ibu dan Bapak mengakui keadaan ku sebenarnya. Ku kenalkan juga Naoko pada rekan kerja ku secara resmi sebagai partner hidup ku; istri ku.” 131 as a mistake. “But why then when I honestly admit the truth, you labelled me as wrong?” LYMD, 50 151 Therefore, as Siker emphasizes: “depending upon one’s religious and social context, coming out can be a difficult and arduous task for gay, lesbian, and bisexual people. Essentially, they must set themselves in opposition to the norms and expectations of the majority of society.... Depending upon the surrounding environment, one may risk losing contact with ones family of origin, losing one’s job or career status, losing one’s status as clergy or laity in some organized religions, and losing the security of freedom from homophobic harassment and violence.” 152 From the quotation above, it is noted that religion and societal norms are among factors that make the process of coming out not only difficult but also stressful and risky. Munro explains that the reasons why some lesbians prefer to stay in the closet or only come out in certain areas or situations in their lives, because of the possible bigger risks which can come over toward them after coming out. Since not all workplaces and families are cooperative, being fired, lost their family or community, be the object of harassment and violence are the guranttee for lesbians to face. 153 Thus lesbians need to consider the circumstances when and where they need to come out.

b. Pretending to Love Man and Getting Married Heterosexually