62 perceive their feeling and sexual orientation like the way lesbians perceive their
feeling in Indonesian language short stories. They feel they are different because they have homosexual desire which do not belong to the common sexual
orientation and practice. The issue in English language short stories is not viewing sexual orientation, feeling to the same sex and relationship as a given or destiny,
something natural, normal, unable to be changed, hence it is not a mistake and as forbidden love as well as sin. In Indonesian language short stories, it is clear that
the concepts of homosexual desire and relationship are framed in religious doctrine influences, whereas in English language short stories such concept does
not even exist.
B. The Root of Herstory in Becoming a Lesbian
This part discusses the backgrounds for becoming a lesbian based on the stories that I discuss. I look at the reasons or the causes which make woman
become a lesbian. Becoming a lesbian may include one of these factors: 1 personal choice, 2 spontaneous or accidental feelings, 3 a result of long term
interaction with another woman a close friend turns a lover, 4 an early exposure to homosexual and environmental factors, 5 experiencing or exploring
new sexual practices, and 6 unhappy and inharmonious marriage life.
1. Becoming a Lesbian as a Choice
In four Indonesian language short stories, a choice is the background for the characters to become lesbians. These short stories clearly imply that being a
lesbian is matter of personal choice, a conscious and free choice. We can find
63 through these examples how lesbians reflect her feelings and sexual orientation as
a choice. In other words, they choose their sexual orientation. However, it can be interpreted that they actually feel and realize that they have homosexual desire
naturally and then they choose to respond or follow their desire. The homosexual desire which arises naturally to those lesbians can be associated with a given or
destiny as has been discussed at the beginning of this chapter. Yet, in terms of whether they want to answer this homosexual desire and to live that way, it is a
matter of choice. In other words, even though naturally they have homosexual desire, when they decide not to respond and follow it then they can life not as
homosexual. Therefore, between destiny and choice might not be seen as two different things. The homosexual desire which arises in someone’s heart can be
understood as destiny, but to accept or to repress it into act or lifestyle is part of choice.
In “Bilik Religious” by Lez Moslem, the lesbian character, Dila has to end up staying in a religious institution after her parents found the truth about
their daughter’s sexual orientation. They found her diary revealing their daughter’s relationship with her lover. Since that day the family who used to live
in harmony becomes cold toward each other. Consequently, Dila has to be quarantined in a religious institution to get religious therapy which her parents
believe can change Dila’s choice about her life to live as homosexual. The quotation below shows that for Dila being a lesbian is part of her life choice:
Previously, she was already shufted with religious sermons to change her life choices. … But her desire to be with the woman
she loved has trample feet on a choice, the choice that has led her
64 into a religious quarantine chamber where now she had been
staying for a month. BR, 32-33
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The religious institution depicted in the story in which by Dila herself calls it as Bilik Religious
Religious Chamber inclusive of teaching actually cannot change someone’s personal choice, especially in regard to sexual orientation. “Dila
inwardly thinking, religious throngs are incapable to change the choice of four teenagers”.
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BR, 41 The four teenagers Dila means here are her and her lover as well as a gay couple whom she meets in that religious institution.
In “Menggapai Langit Ke-7” by Estha Vadose, Kirana, the lesbian character also states that being a lesbian is her personal choice, part of her life
choices. Thus, she is ready to face any consequences of the choice she has made for her life.
”This time let me sacrifice the feeling of my heart for my mother’s good. I will consider this burden, which will remain there in my
heart and life as the consequence of the life choice I made... this is the way of life I choose and I have to be resposible for this”.
ML7,118
92
This same issue is also portrayed in “Sebilah Pisau Roti”. The lesbian character would like to make her friend view her feelings as normal. She wants her friend
to be honest to herself that indeed she is a lesbian. She has to be brave to make choices about her desires. She convinces her friend that being a lesbian is part of
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Sebelumnya, ia sudah dijejali kotbah reliji untuk mengubah pilihan hidupnya. … Namun keinginannya untuk terus bersama perempuan yang dikasihinya telah memijakkan kakinya pada
sebuah pilihan; pilihannya itu telah menuntunnya memasuki sebuah bilik karantina relijius, yang kini sudah ia diami selama satu bulan.
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Dalam hatinya Dila berfikir, jejalan reliji tak mampu mengubah pilihan empat orang remaja yang terlahir sebagai manusia bisa.
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Biarkan kali ini aku yang berkorban perasaan demi kebaikan ibu ku. Beban yang akan selalu ada di benak dan hidup ku ini aku anggap sebagai konsekuensi dari pilihan hidup yang aku buat… Ini
jalan hidup yang aku pilih
65 one’s personal choice. Thus, she does not need to think it as a normal or an
abnormal action; it is all the matter of a choice. “Do you think those who are gay and lesbian odd? No, not at all We are the one who are odd, you know Are they
wrong? No? Because being homosexual is a matter of a choice”. SPR, 95
93
Different to the previous short stories, in “Bunga Sakura di Hati Nia” by Sakura, the lesbian is portrayed as someone who experiences a traumatic
experience with men. First traumatic is the fact that she has irresponsible father and her own experience with her x-boyfriend. Nia who is now working in Japan
never meets her father. The only story she knows about her father is that he leaves her mother and moves to Japan after her mother get pregnant. The facts about her
father and her own bitter experience with her x-boyfriend cause traumatic feelings in her life. She does not want to open her heart or have any romantic relationships,
either with men or women. Because of her traumatic experience it is difficult for her to trust anybody, including her own close friend who truly loves her, An.
Actually she also has feeling toward her. But, she always rejects her. “She wants to protect you, Nia. Your trauma will not end except you are the one end it”
BSDHN, 79
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Then, at the end of the story, she realizes that she loves An. She tries to be honest to herself about her feelings. She makes decision to be in relationship
with An. Then she chooses to be with her to the rest of her life.
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Apa kamu pikir mereka yang jadi gay, jadi lesbian aneh? Tidak Kita saja yang aneh Mereka salah? Tidak Ini persoalan pilihan
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“Dia ingin menjaga mu Nia. Trauma mu tidak akan pernah berakhir kecuali kamu sendiri yang mengakhirinya.”
66 “Tomorrow, I will start my new life with you An. I know the risks
I have to be responsible for choosing her as my partner in life. Mom might be extremely shocked, probably. But, I’ll hide this
secret. Because, sometimes the forcing truth brings no good. Forgive me, Mom I can fool others but I can’t fool my self
anymore about my feelings. Love is a choice and a choice is a risk in life. BSDHN, 87
95
This story pursues an issue of having traumatic experience with a man and choice can be understood as one package. Because of a traumatic experience
with men, a woman can choose to become a lesbian and to live that way. Being a lesbian as a matter of personal choice is depicted clearly in these stories. I found
this issue in the Indonesian language short stories but not in English language stories. It is my understanding that the Indonesian literature would like to voice
that love and sexual orientation is part of one’s life personal choice. In the context of Indonesian language short stories, lesbians are expected to repress or
ignore their sexual orientation. The lesbian characters in the short stories that I have analyzed consciously choose not to repress their homosexual desires, but to
follow it. As it is their choice, it is absolutely followed by consequences. Some consequences are sweet and others are bitter ones. However, they are ready for
the consequences. Therefore, lesbians demand to be accepted by the society and to be be given a place around them as who they are.
However,
since being a lesbian is part of choices that are made in life, lesbians should be fair in this case. It is understood that lesbians who
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Besok akan ku jalani hidup baru bersama mu An. Aku tahu resiko apa yang harus ku tanggung jika memilih An sebagai pasangan hidup ku. Mungkin ibu akan syok berat. Tapi aku akan
menyimpan rahasia ini. Karena kadang kejujuran tidak membawa kebaikan, jika dipaksakan. Ibu maafkan aku. Karena memang hati ku tak bisa di bohongi. Aku tak bisa menghianati perasaan ku
sendiri. Cinta itu adalah pilihan dan pilihan adalah resiko dalam hidup .
67 spontaneously feel homosexual desire, have freedom to choose whether they
want to ignore or repress their homosexual desire and tries to avoid doing homoerotic act or they want accept it and to live this way. In my opinion, when it
comes to social environment in which lesbians demand to be accepted, society also has the freedom to choose whether they want to accept or decline the
existence of lesbians in their environment, since, again it is all the matter of a choice, which everybody has right to maintain a position.
2. Becoming a Lesbian Purely because of Spontaneous or Accidental Feelings
