81 divorced. She again starts a new relationship with another lesbian woman and
they live happily and peacefully. The English language short story above gives another depiction that being
homosexual is not happening because of a particular reason or factor. Homosexuality is portrayed as an alternative lifestyle which everybody can try,
explore and choose to live in. It is another sexual practice which people can explore. That is like what Butler believes that sexuality is not something fixed. It
is slippery. There is no fixed categorization for sexual identity. Thus, for some people they can easily chance their sexual orientation or practice. Either from
homosexual to heterosexual or from heterosexual to homosexual as depicted in the English language short story above. In which in the Indonesian language short
story, this issue is not found.
7. Becoming a Lesbian because of Unhappy and Unharmonious Marriage Life
The last cause of becoming a lesbian found in the studied short stories is because of a woman’s unhappy and inharmonious married life. Some short stories
clearly portray a woman who falls in love with another woman and become a lesbian, because their inharmonious marriage life with their husbands. These
women at the beginning are portrayed as heterosexual. They do not have any sexual orientation to the same sex. In other words, the short stories portray wives
who are from broken homes where their marriage life has gone bad. The marriage life of those women, who later become lesbians, is portrayed as a very boring or
82 hurtful life. Their marriage life is portrayed as a life which is filled with lying and
no harmony. There are two main problems that become the cause of those marital
disasters. The first is bad and cruel husband’s character. The second is the fact that the wife cannot be pregnant. In some short stories, both those in Indonesian
and English language short stories, the husband is portrayed as an arrogant, rough, and who does not give enough attention, affection and love to his wife. The
husband even betrays his wife sexually. This is done either secretly with another woman or sometimes it is even openly known by his wife.
In “Potongan-Potongan Cerita Di Kartu Pos”, the wife who later becomes a lesbian is very lonely because her husband is too busy and rarely comes home.
Trembling unbelievable, Maya is back up to her bed. Then realize, no Dani in bed. Slowly she began to sob. PPCKP, 75 That night
Maiya is alone in the room. For two days Dani did not come home. She wanted to cry and lays restless in bed.
108
PPCKP, 78 The worst thing is the fact that causes her husband to rarely be at the home is
because he is having affair with another woman. “I know she isn’t happy. She is no longer get attention from her
husband. You know Dani starts seeing another woman....” PPCKP, 73
“Perhaps, because now she has problems in her marriage with Dani, but she is trying to cover it” PPCKP, 76
109
The same betrayal issue is portrayed in “Dua Perempuan Dengan HP-nya”. Two wives are having the same sex relationship. The one whose name is Sandra
108
“Gemetar tak percaya, Maya kembali naik ke tempat tidurnya. Lalu menyadari, tak ada Dani di ranjang. Perlahan ia mulai terisak. Malam itu Maiya sendirian dalam kamar. Sudah dua hari
Dani tak pulang. Rasanya ia ingin menangis. Tapi ia berbaring gelisah di ranjang.
109
“Gue tau kok, dia nggak bahagia. Sudah nggak lagi dapat perhatian. Dani mulai selingkuh…” Mungkin karena perkawinannya dengan Dani sedang bermasalah, tapi berusaha ditutupi.
83 has a good marriage life and kids. However, I do not discuss it in this part. I
discuss the wives who have happy married life and good husband in the next part, in Lesbian vs Heterosexual Marriage Bisexual Not Merely the Answer. What I
discuss here is Susan, the wife whose husband is having affair with his secretary. Susan has already known about her husband’s betrayal.
“Don’t you know? What the hell, your married boss is? Listen Married”
“Do you want to marry him? Go ahead I don’t care” Concubine
“Yeah Indeed you’re a concubine If not, what are you then, hah?”
“…. The most important my partner is not someone’s husband, like you do” DPDHP, 27-28
110
In Susan’s dialogue with her husband’s concubine named Linda on the phone, she shows her anger. She says that she does not care about her husband anymore.
Moreover, she says that she does not take someone’s husband like Linda does. One can conclude that this lesbian character protests heterosexual woman who
disturbs and destroys her marriage. Unlike lesbians who do not disturb someone’s husband and destroy someone’s marriage.
Why do I have to be in trouble with this stupid man’s behavior? The point is... I care nothing about my husband
anymore. You get it? I can go with whoever I want and it’s none of your goddam business Understand? DPDHP, 27-28
111
110
Apa kamu tidak tau sih, kamu punya bos itu sudah kawin? Dengar baik-baik. Sudah kawin” “Kamu mau kawin sama dia? Kawinlah Dasar simpanan”
“Ya, memang simpanan Kalau bukan, kamu itu apa?” … yang jelas pacar ku bukan suami orang seperti kamu”
111
“Kenapa aku harus jadi susah karena kelakuan laki-laki memble itu?” Masalahnya aku tidak peduli lagi dengan suami ku. Paham kamu?
Aku pergi dengan siapapun yang aku mau. Tidak ada urusan apa-apa lagi antara kita. Jelas?”
84 A similar situation is found in A.K. Naten’s story, one of the English
language short stories called “The Eyes of the March”. A woman named Leah who later becomes a lesbian, after meeting Blaine, a come-out lesbian. Leah had
to get married with a man named Graham Pryce III because of her family pressure, especially her parents pushed her into marrying him because he is from a
wealthy, influential, and politically well-connected Pryce family. Unfortunately, it is not a happy marriage life. Leah is not happy in this marriage. Her husband is
portrayed as a bastard. Actually, she wants to quit this marriage and leaves him, but she cannot. She is too afraid because her own family and her husband’s family
pressure. She also told me what a bastard Graham was and
how her
parents pushed
her into marrying him
anyway… Leah said often that she wished she could just leave
Graham, but she knew what her family would do if she did. Her family and her husband’s family would
make her life a living hell if she tried to leave or divorce. And if they found out about me—hoo boy, it would
certainly be worse than hell. TEOM, 65-66
Until one day, Leah finds her love with a lesbian named Blaine. And since their meeting Leah becomes the same sex lover. Leah’s traumatic bad
experience in her marriage leads her to homosexual relationship with Blaine who is indeed a lesbian.
Another woman who finally becomes a lesbian because of her unhappy marriage life is found in “To Dance with No Music”. It is clearly
stated by the narrator’s words that she had married foolishly and divorced bitterly. One day, she met a lesbian and set their life together.
85 I had married foolishly and divorced bitterly. ….
Then I enter her orbit. We came to each other late, already middle-aged and set in our ways. TDWNM, 67
In the quotation above, the narrator informs that she and her couple are engaged in relationship quite late. It is when they already reach middle-aged, and then they
decide to spend their life together. It shows that in lesbian relationship, it is not merely started in young age. Homosexual desire can be there when one’s reaching
their mature age even in middle-aged. Different to the previous stories with broken marriage themes, in one of
the Indonesian language short story, entitled “Tahi Lalat Dipunggung Istriku” though the themes is still set as unhappy marriage life, in this story becoming a
lesbian is addressed in different angle. It portrays that becoming a lesbian is also as a matter of spontaneity. Her broken marriage plays important reason why she
can involve in the same sex relationship. The main reason is that her husband no longer has sexual desire to his wife, whom he has been living with for 27 years.
He does not love his wife like before. He also does not want to make love anymore because of a missing mole in his wife back. He really likes this mole.
Thus, he loves his wife so much. He even states he loves his wife deeper because of this mole. He always kisses it every day and in every time he has chance to
touch and kiss it, for example when she is sleeping, taking a bath, getting dress, cooking in the kitchen and before they have sex. He will visit that mole first. Im
86 so in love with my wife because of her mole. My lust increases everytime I think
of or see that mole.TLDI, 103
112
At the beginning she does not have any problem with her husband’s habit towards that mole. After 27 years passed, she starts feeling jealous, angry and
even begins to hate her mole. She is no longer happy and does not enjoy when her husband touches her back and kisses that mole again and again. This jealousy
arises because she feels that the only thing her husband cares is that mole. He no longer kisses her forehead, lips and other part of her body, only that mole. She
becomes mad because of her husband hobby in kissing her mole: “I know that my husband is truly in love with the mole on my
back. He said that it is sexy and the prettiest mole he had ever seen. He loves touching, kissing my back and that mole for so
long. He also often spreads his sperm over the mole when we are doing sex. But, by time he no longer kisses me. He just
kissed my back. He forgot to kiss my lips, my forehead or my cheek only that mole. I have to ask him first to kiss my lips, if I
don’t do so, he won’t remember. In every chance, he always kisses my back. I hate that mole Im jealous”. TLDI, 107
113
So, one day she tells the story about that mole and her husband to a woman who always provides massage service in her house. She has massaged her
for 10 years. Her name is Ratri and has never married. Ratri suggests to her to remove that mole permanently. The next day Ratri accompanies her to the doctor,
a skin specialist to remove that mole with laser technology.
112
“Aku sangat cinta pada istri ku karena tahi lalat itu. Berahi ku meluap-luap setiap aku teringat atau melihat tahi lalat itu.”
113
“Aku tahu, suami ku sangat mencintai tahi lalat di punggung ku. Seksi, katanya. Katanya juga, itu adalah tahi lalat tercantik yang pernah dilihatnya. Dia sangat suka meraba punggung ku,
berlama-lama menciumi punggung ku dan tahi lalat itu. Dia juga kerap menyemburkan spermanya di atas tahi lalat itu saat kami bercinta. Hingga suatu hari, aku tak pernah lagi diciumnya. Dia
hanya mencium punggung ku. Dia lupa mencium bibir ku atau kening ku atau pipi ku. Aku harus memintanya dulu untuk mencium bibir ku, jika tidak dia tak kan ingat. Setiap ada kesempatan, dia
selalu mencium punggung ku. Aku mulai membenci tahi lalat di punggung ku, aku cemburu.”
113
87 As the story goes on, after she removes the mole in her back, their happy
marriage life starts to be a disaster. Her husband totally changes. He feels so stressed out in losing that mole. He no longer has passion towards his wife and
loses his sexual desire to his wife. That night we made love in fail. It was the first time I was not
excited after 27 years of our marriage. I was upset and immediately went to sleep. My wife was pissed off and we slept
fully dressed and showed our back each other ... The next night , we tried to make love again. I went along her entire body which
began to wrinkle to find that mole and kissed her back. But, again , I can not see the mole there. I ask my wife again where the mole
on her back has been missing ... Once again Im not excited, we were unsuccessful to make love again and sleep by showing our
each back”. TLDI, 104
The next day, I started to feel crazy. I was thin because I don’t have desire to eat. My missing toward that that missing
mole is getting worse. I no longer touched my wife. When I saw her sleeping I just feel like seeing a pile of body. Lackluster.
Actually my wife is still beautiful. Her body is also not that fat. But why am I not excited about her? I did not pitch lust. Once
again, I gently stroked her back ... But I didn’t find any signs of that mole there. TLDPI, 106
114
Losing that mole is depicted not only affecting his sexual desire toward his wife, but also strongly affecting his psychological demeanor. He is no longer a
person who has passion for his life. Every day he goes and comes home with cold
114
“
Malam itu kami gagal bercinta. Itu adalah kali pertama aku tak bergairah setelah 27 tahun kami menikah. Aku kesal dan langsung beranjak tidur. Istri ku juga kesal, kami tidur saling
memungungi setelah berpakaian lengkap. … Malam berikutnya, kami mencoba bercinta lagi. … Aku kembali menyusuri tubuhnya yang mulai keriput, lalu menciumi punggungnya. Sekali lagi, aku
tak menemui tahi lalat itu disana. Kembali aku tanyakan pada istri ku kemana tahi lalat di punggungnya hilang … sekali lagi aku tak bergairah, kami gagal bercinta lagi dan tidur saling
memungungi lagi”.
Hari berikutnya, aku mulai merasa gila. Aku kurus karena tak makan. Rindu ku pada tahi lalat itu semakin menjadi-jadi. Tak lagi ku sentuh istri ku. Saat aku melihatnya tidur, aku hanya
seperti melihat seongok tubuh. Tak bergairah. … Sebetulnya istri ku masih cantik, tubuhnya juga tak lantas jadi gembrot. Tapi kenapa aku tak bergairah padanya? Aku sama sekali tak terberahi.
Sekali lagi, aku mengelus punggungnya dengan lembut…Tapi tak ku temukan tanda-tanda tahi lalat itu ada.”
88 and unfeeling face. Whenever he goes to work or when he comes back from work,
he never touches his wife, touches her back, nor does he kisses her. The days I lived without passion... I went to the office without
any desire to work, go home see my wife with a body which is not as beautiful as it used to be. ... Im not excited. I no longer
touch her. TLDI, 105
115
The wife starts feeling regret for removing the mole behind her back. Loosing this mole totally changes the way her husband treats her. Their happy and
harmonious life change drastically and becomes unhappy. I cried, suddenly regret for having rid of that mole. The days I lived
without passion. My husband does his daily routines unwillingly. He never touched me, not even touched my back neither kissed
me. TLDI, 108
116
Even her husband has started sleeping with a prostitute woman who has a mole in her back. He fantasizes the mole is his wife’s back when he is performing
intercourse. Even though he acknowledges that his wife’s mole is the most beautiful mole and none can compare to it.
The question is what is the cause and effect of this marital problem that makes his wife involved in the same sex relationship? What has made her sexual
orientation change? Indeed, there are two lesbians character in this story. The first character is the wife, who mentions herself in the story as I. Through the wife
character, lesbian is portrayed as someone who seems easily or spontaneously switch her sexual orientation from heterosexual to homosexual. Meanwhile the
115
“Hari-hari ku jalani tanpa gairah. … Aku pergi ke kantor tanpa ada keinginan untuk bekerja, pulang melihat istri ku dengan tubuh yang tak seindah dulu lagi. … Aku tak bergairah. Tak lagi ku
sentuh istri ku.
116
Aku menangis, tiba-tiba merasa menyesal telah membuang tahi lalat itu. Hari-hari ku jalani tanpa gairah. Suami ku pulang-pergi ke kantor dengan dingin. Dia tidak pernah menyentuh ku, tak
juga menyentuh punggung ku. Tak mencium ku pula.”
89 second character is named Ratri is a lesbian and never gets married. Ratri is
portrayed as lesbian who takes advantage from this couple’s disharmony marriage life. She does so to get involved in the wifes sexual life. It happens when the wife
is complaining about how her husband changes after she removes the mole while Ratri is massaging her naked body. Then the wife cries on her shoulder. Ratri uses
this moment to stimulate her body with sensual romantic touch. What should I do, Jeng
117
? I complained about my husband to Ratri when she was massaging my naked body, crying. Ratri then
stopped her massage. I sat down and cover my half body with a towel, she handed me a tissue. I wipe my tears.
Forget it, Jeng. Forget him in this time being,” Ratri said softly, then hugged me. I cried on her shoulders. I felt his warm
breath on my neck and her soft lips instantly stuck in neck. She pulled my towel, gently touched my chest. There’s a touch I miss
for so long time. TLDI, 108
118
This reflection on this memory makes her enter into a homosexual relationship. It is perhaps to free herself from the pain which her husband caused
her or to cure her disappointment about her broken marriage. Yet, there is a strange case here. How can a heterosexual woman who has been married for 27
years, very easily let the massage woman to kiss her neck and touch her breasts, without any sense of feeling strange or startled responses, rejection, or anger? She
just enjoys it. How could two women be so easily involved in a same-sex relationship? It is quite strange, because generally sexual orientation is understood
117
Jeng is a word used to call a Javanese adult woman
118
‘Gimana ini, Jeng?’ Aku mengeluh pada Ratri tentang suami ku saat dia sedang memijat ku. Aku telanjang tengkurap sambil menangis. Ratri lalu menghentikan pijatannya. Aku duduk,
menutup separuh tubuh ku dengan handuk, selembar tisu diberikan pada ku. Ku usap air mata ku. “Sudah, Jeng. Sementara lupakan dia,” Ratri berkata dengan lembut, lantas dipeluknya
aku. Aku menangis di pundak Ratri. Ku rasakan napasnya yang hangat di tengkuk ku, dan bibirnya yang lembut seketika menempel di leher ku. Dia menarik handuk ku, menyentuh dada ku dengan
lembut. Ada sentuhan yang lama ku rindukan.
90 as permanent identity. Thus, it is not that easy to figure out if there is a wife who
is easily turns her sexual partner from man to woman as spontaneously as that. The sexual relationship which is portrayed here illustrates that people sometimes
feel curious and enjoy in experiencing something new an uncommon. Then the sentence Theres a touch I miss for so long time. The word
“touch” sentuhan here is not clear, what kind of a touch is it? Is it a woman touch? If the answer is yes, it means that before her marriage she had loved and
had sexual orientation with another woman. However, there is no either implicit or explicit statement which explains about the background of the wife’s life before
marriage. On the other hand, if the “touch” sentuhan here means like her husband’s, then the question arises: are man’s and woman’s touches the same?
There is an impression in this story that one’s sexual interaction or practice can be easily changeable spontaneously if sensual stimulation happens in one’s body and
the body will respond to it automatically to the stimulation. Thus, this story supports the Queer theory which believes that human sexual orientation is not
something permanent. It is not something fixed and static. It is very flexible and fluid, it is able to be changed. Sometime sexual orientation is just being there
without any certain reason or factor. Secondly, the factor of marriage disaster in Indonesian family is the issue
of unable to have children. In two Indonesian language short stories, the cause of disharmony in the family begins when the wife cannot get pregnant. This situation
automatically makes the family does not have any child. The husband and the wife are sad, disappointed, and frustrated. The family life is portrayed as unhappy
91 life without any children inside the house. As it is portrayed in “Dua Perempuan
Dengan HP-nya” and “Hari Ini Esok Dan Kemarin”: Were divorced It’s already clear, easy, and definitely. We do not have
children You can have kids from Linda. DPHP, 30
Two years after that, you are marrying me. The following year, a family obstetrician decided to throw my uterus in order to save my life. HIEK,
36
119
Commonly, the pupose of marriage in an Indonesian family is for procreation, and one of wife’s main duties is to bear children. The tradition and
culture in Indonesia believe when a wife cannot bear children, she is considered an imperfect woman. It is because she cannot fulfill her expected destiny which is
giving birth to children. Thus, it causes problem in marriage for Indonesian family. In addition, husband may use it as weapon to betray the wife.
Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that before these women become lesbians, they have problems in their marriage life and they are not lesbians at the
beginning. At that time they did not have sexual tendency towards other women. Nevertheless, the sufferings in their marriage life have caused traumatic issues to
arise within themselves. These stories seem to show that there is no safe and comfortable place besides men. The women get married to achieve happiness and
harmonious family life. However, the situation and condition they find in their marriage—like the husband who has an affair with another woman and no child in
the family—trap them to find happiness in other ways. Hence, all these situations
119
“Kita cerai Hal itu sudah jelas, gampang, dan pasti. Kita toh tidak punya anak” “Kamu bisa punya anak dari Linda.”
“Dua tahun setelah itu, kamu lamar aku. Tahun berikutnya, seorang dokter kandungan keluarga memutuskan untuk membuang rahim ku demi menyelamatkan nyawa ku.
92 seem to trap woman into finding her own way in life to reach happiness,
emotionally and sexually. It causes them change their sexual orientation and choose to love woman. The lesbians in these short stories finally start
relationships with women, because they feel happier, safer and more comfortable by having this emotional and sexual relationship. They get everything they want
and need; love, respect, affection, care, secure and wisdom from the women, the things which they never gain from men. Women know what women want and
need. If they can get what they want from someone even if it is from the same sex then they will take the chance and get it from them.
After the discussion above there are several conclusions reached about the way lesbians perceive their feeling, sexual orientation and relationship. In
Indonesian language short stories, some lesbians perceive their feelings as predestination and others perceive it as forbidden love, a mistake and a sin.
Meanwhile in English language short stories, lesbians perceive it as being different. Lesbians in both Indonesian and English language short stories have
similar ways in perceiving their feelings, sexual desire or orientation and relationship that it is natural, normal, unchangeable and not a mistake.
The similar reasons that cause the woman characters become lesbian in those short stories lie on the result of long term interaction, spontaneous or
incidental feelings, environmental factor and early exposure to homosexuality, and unhappy heterosexual married life. While the differences are in Indonesian
language short stories becoming a lesbian are portrayed as a matter of personal
93 choice while in English language short story it is to explore and experience new
sexual practice.
94
CHAPTER IV LESBIAN’S EXPERIENCES:
CONFLICTS AND DISCRIMINATIONS
“As you and I are women, love becomes a wound to the civilization”.
Karena aku perempuan dan kamu perempuan, cinta menjadi luka bagi peradaban.
Cok Sawitri, Sebilah Pisau Roti This part discusses the conflicts faced by lesbian characters in their private
life. The conflicts discussed include internal and external conflicts. Internal conflicts refer to those within the emotional and mental condition of the
characters. The external conflicts refer to their conflicts with partners and
families as well as discriminations experienced by lesbians in their life. This discussion provides not only findings pertaining to these internal, external
conflicts and discriminations but also to their struggles to overcome the conflicts. To provide more information, this writing also provides an analysis of the
possible solutions that lesbians and their families have taken related to their sexual orientations problems.
A. Lesbian’s Internal Conflicts
In some Indonesian language short stories, lesbians are portrayed as having internal conflicts from their own feelings when they fall in love with
women. It cannot be simply ignored that lesbians have psychological conflicts inside themselves as they try to understand their own feelings. In the following
paragraph I outline the different kinds of internal conflicts found in these stories.
