95 First is the feeling of confusion with her own feelings and sexual
orientation. This is often a result of trying to refuse and fight her own feelings and desires to women. Motive behind this refusal is the fear of being considered
abnormal. On the other hand, once she is able to accept her desire, she is not ready live as a lesbian. Secondly, when falling in love, she does not have courage
to disclose her true feelings. Thirdly, for some women, it is pleasing to become a lesbian; however for others, it is considered as a mistake or a sin.
1. Feeling Confused with Her Own Feelings and Sexual Orientation
In several stories, there are feelings of panic inside the lesbian characters, when it comes to a reality that they have emotional and sexual desire toward the
same sex. They are depicted to be in a dilemma, because though they can fall in love with a woman, they feel confused with their sexual orientation and tend to
avoid their feelings. They feel that loving another woman is a mistake; therefore, they are not ready to become lesbians. As illustrated in one of the Indonesian
language short stories, “Sebilah Pisau Roti”, the Lesbian character faces two contradictory conditions. A serious conflict within herself is clearly figured. She
understands her candid feelings; however, at the same time she perceives that her feeling is wrong. “I am very depressed. I realize that this is wrong, but I cannot
fight against my feelings.” SPR, p. 97. She tries to deny her own feelings, but she fails. She is not ready to be such a person, as depicted by this quotation
“However Im not ready to be a lesbian” SPR, p. 95
120
. In this story, the character
120
Aku tertekan sekali. Aku sadar ini salah, tapi aku tidak bisa melawan perasaan ku. Bagaimanapun aku tidak siap jadi lesbian.
96 realizes that she has homosexual orientation, but she tries to deny her feelings. She
pretends and lies to herself, saying that she had not fallen in love with her female friend; however she is unable to escape the truth.
The more I pretended not to understand, the more I understand, I want you I replied with a stutter… I do not
want to be hypocritical, pretending not to understand. Lied. No Im honest with you, I love you. Want to make love with
you Im ready to bear all the risk if this hurts everyone. SPR, 92-93
121
The reason why this character denies her own feelings and sexual orientation is that she is afraid of being considered an abnormal person. As it is
shown in a dialogue between the main character and her friend Dewi, in which Dewi advises her not to think about her feelings and desire to the same sex as
normal or abnormal. “No need to think and feel being normal or abnormal
because of your feeling toward her. Ah ... she actually likes you. She is just afraid of people assumption. She is afraid
of being considered as abnormal person. Hypocrisy” SPR, 95-96
122
Similar to “Sebilah Pisau Roti”, in “Driving Philosophy”, the lesbian character experiences the same problem. She actually realizes and acknowledges
about her own feelings and sexual orientation. But she faces a big dilema inside
121
“Karena semakin aku berpura-pura tidak mengerti, makin ku mengerti, aku menginginkan kamu” dengan gagap aku menyahut p.92 Aku tidak mau munafik, berpura-pura tidak mengerti.
Membohongi mu. Tidak Aku jujur pada mu, aku mencintai mu. Ingin bercinta dengan mu Aku siap menanggung segala resiko jika ini melukai hati semua orang.
122
‘Untuk apa jadi merasa normal atau tidak normal. … Ah, dia suka sebetulnya sama kamu. Cuma takut sama anggapan orang. Takut dibilang tidak normal. Munafik
97 herself even though she can accept her condition: that she has homosexual
tendency. She does not want to be a lesbian and not ready to live as a lesbian. “I don’t know, Anna. On the one hand, I know this is
who I am. On the other hand, I am just not comfortable with being that person. I want to experience l ove, but
frankly, my parish would tar and feather me and run me out of town if they thought for a second that I was a
lesbian. My commitment to my calling is stronger, I guess, than my personal needs. Or maybe I’m just
afraid and hiding in a comfortable pew. Still, I’m not really happy living a lie.” DP, 84
The above stories are different from “Sebilah Pisau Roti” where the lesbian character tends to deny her own feelings. The lesbian character here
accepts her condition but she does not feel comfortable to live with a lesbian identity. As she clearly states in the quotation above, she would not only have to
face her internal conflict, but also the social conflict which can rise if she finally decides to live as a lesbian. Since it is related to the parish where she works, she
would be chased away from that town. She faces contradictory feelings. She is not happy to live in a lie. On one side she wants to experience love, but on the other
side, as she states, her commitment to her calling to the church is much stronger than her personal need or perhaps she is just afraid and uses the parish work to
hide who she truely is. These two stories depict that the internal problems faced by lesbians are
not always a matter of acceptance or denial of their own feeling and sexual desire to the same-sex. The conflict extends to whether they really want to be a lesbian
and live with all the risks for living out a lesbian lifestyle. The characters which
98 are facing these conflicts need to take time and consideration before they finally
decide to become and live as a lesbian or not. Different to the previous stories, in “Menggapai Langit Ketujuh” the
lesbian character faces an internal conflict which is not about the fact that she knows her feelings but keeps denying them or is not ready to be a lesbian. In this
story, Kirana, the lesbian character, emphasizes that being a lesbian is her choice, but at the same time, she also feels that it is a sin. The issue between her choice to
be a lesbian and this choice being a sin is clearly shown in the following quotation;
This burden will keep always staying in my mind and and life. I consider it as a consequence of the life choice I made.
But, I hope God still listen to my prayers for all my sins. MLK7, 118.
123
The lesbian’s internal conflict is related to her own choice and considering it as a sin. In several Indonesian language short stories, there is a
tendency to consider the same-sex feelings and relationships as sin. This is
narrated in “Menggapai Langit Ketujuh” and “Hari Ini Esok dan Kemarin” which have been discussed earlier in Chapter III.
In Indonesian language short stories, there is a denial process experienced by lesbian characters when they realize that they have the same-sex feelings and
sexual desires. They have internal conflicts with their condition; not only they are afraid of being considered as an abnormal person but also the feeling of being
a sinner. This is contradictory to the lesbian characters in the English language
123
Beban yang akan selalu ada dibenak dan hidup ku ini aku anggap sebagai konsekuensi dari pilihan hidup yang aku buat. … namun aku berharap Tuhan masih mendengarkan segala dosa-
dosa ku selama ini.
99 short stories who openly accepts her condition. She does not experience such
feelings or dilemmas, as lesbians in the Indonesian language short stories face. However, there is a similar situation depicted in both Indonesian and English
language short stories. It is an issue about whether the lesbians are ready or not to become and live as lesbians. Despite the fact that they have different ways of
reacting to their own feelings, still they are not ready to become and live as lesbians.
2. No Courage to Disclose Her Feelings
