Happy but Guilty Lesbian’s Internal Conflicts

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3. Happy but Guilty

Another internal conflict experienced by the lesbian characters in the stories I examine is the feeling of guilt that disturbs them even while they feel happy to have a same-sex relationship. For some of the lesbian characters, establishing a romantic relationship with a woman brings happiness. However, some feel that such relationship betrays marriage bond and raises regretful feelings. This case is depicted in ‘Hari Ini, Kemarin dan Esok’ as shown below: Really? she asked, thrust her face toward me, kissed my lips. Youre willing to leave him for me? “But I hate to do this to him, I said spontaneously. I hate to be a person who destroys her own household. Youre just looking for happiness, my love. Everyone can understand that. Don’t you feel a little responsible for all this? I ask curiously. If not because of you, Ill never leave him. HIEK, 35 124 From this conversation, it can be seen that having a same-sex relationship does not always mean happiness to woman, especially to a married woman who later commits to a same-sex relationship. To this woman, it is an act of betrayal. She has destroyed her own married life, especially because she has a good husband. Even though she feels happier loving a woman, at the same time she feels guilty: If you know, I said sharply. I never pretended to love him. And like most wives who cheated, I plan my leaving 124 “Benarkah?” ia bertanya, mendekatkan wajahnya ke arah ku, mengecup bibir ku. “Kamu rela tinggalkan dia untuk aku?” Tapi aku benci harus melakukan ini kepadanya,” tutur ku spontan. “Aku benci jadi orang yang menghancurkan rumah tangganya sendiri.” “Kamu hanya mencari kebahagiaan, Sayang. Semua orang bisa mengerti itu.” “Tidakkah kamu merasa sedikit saja bertanggung jawab atas semua ini?” Tanya ku penasaran. “Kalau bukan karena kamu, aku takkan pernah meninggalkan dia.” 103 carefully. I brush every inch of the floor of our house until spotless shiny, wipe the dust in every room, and-except hisown clothes-I left all that weve bought together as well as your personal things. I must be fair. Then, I cook your favorite lamb leg soup,... I imagine in previous years, here, sailed the life we believe is ours. Now Im lost. HIEK, 37-38 125 As depicted in the quotation above, the lesbian character actually loves her husband and they have a happy life. Unfortunately, she is not able to have children and it is portrayed as the cause of her unhappy married life which becomes monotone. Thus, she finally tries to find her own happiness. She finds it from being with a woman. And she plans to confess to her husband and then leaves him to live with her lesbian partner. However, as seen in the last sentence she said “Kini aku tersesat” Now I’m lost. This sentence indicates, thought she feels happy with her lesbian partner, eventually this lesbian character feels guilty. Thus she feels lost or misguided for having this homosexual relationship. From the analysis about the lesbians’ internal conflicts above, several conclusions can be formulated. First, lesbian characters in English language short story can be more open to their feelings and sexual orientation compare to lesbians in Indonesian language short story who tend to be confused and deny it. They realize more readily that they have homosexual orientation and understand their personal feelings. They do not feel confused and deny their feelings and sexual 125 “Asal kamu tahu,” ujar ku tajam.”Aku tidak pernah berpura-pura mencintainya.” Seperti kebanyakan istri yang berselingkuh, aku merencanakan kepergian ku dengan hati-hati. Ku sikat setiap inci lantai rumah kita sampai mengkilap tak bernoda, mengelap debu di setiap kamar, dan—kecuali pakaian ku sendiri—ku tinggalkan semua yang pernah kita beli bersama atau masing-masing untuk mu. Aku harus adil. Lalu, aku masak sup kaki kambing kesukaan mu. … Ku bayangkan tahun-tahun sebelumnya, di sini, mengarungi bahtera kehidupan yang kita percaya adalah milik kita berdua. Kini aku tersesat. 104 orientation to the same sex like the lesbians do in Indonesian language short stories. Secondly, different to the lesbians in Indonesian language short story that consider being homosexual as a sin and they are not ready to become a lesbian because of afraid of being considered as an abnormal person , lesbian in English language short stories do not see being homosexual as abnormal and sinful. She does not want to live as a lesbian because of fear of the social conflict which can rise because of living with that identity. However, she is not happy to live a lie. The lesbian characters in both Indonesian and English language short stories face a similar conflict that they not ready to identify themselves as lesbians. Thirdly, lesbian characters in English language short stories face other possible conflicts that are not found in Indonesian language short stories. The internal conflicts are lack of self-confidence and courage to disclose their feelings when they fall in love because of their age gap. The ways people judge old-young couple makes them feel hesitate to start or have relationship with a younger or older partner. The last conclusion is that lesbian characters in Indonesian language short stories also face another conflict not found in English language short stories. It is the feeling of happy but guilty to have homosexual relationship.

B. Lesbian’s External Conflicts