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B. I choose want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit to be free from
feeling hurt injustice.
C. Reminder Phrase = Hurt injustice when name _____ doesn’t give me what I need.
6. Frustration and anger because this person is not giving me what I need in this relationship.
A.1. Even though I feel frustration anger when name of person____doesn’t give me what I
need, I deeply and profoundly love myself.
A.2. Even though until now I felt frustration anger when name of person____didn’t give
me what I needed, I now accept himher as heshe is and feel my self-worth and fullness of being.
B. I choose want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit to be free from
feeling frustration anger. C. Reminder Phrase = Frustration anger when
name _____ doesn’t give me what I need.
A possible ideal way of interacting with an aloof
The use of the pronoun he is arbitrary I would like to remember that he has a problem
and is closed up because he fears being open. I also want to remember that I am not to blame for
this reaction and that I am worthy and safe and can solve my problems even if he never opens up.
I will stop pressuring him and give him space to be alone so that he will gradually begin to feel his
own need for contact with me. I will explain to him that I need and want more
communication but that I see the negative results of pressuring or nagging him about it.
I will also explain that I will be overjoyed if he would approach me when he feels the need to
communicate more deeply, but that, until that time, I am going to start taking responsibility for
my needs and my life. I am going to stop feeling that I am to blame for
his silence and am going to start engaging in various activities which fulfill me and give
meaning to my life. I will also explain that I would be very happy for him to partake in any of those
activities with me, should he wish. I am going to stop waiting for him to open up and
will start paying attention to my responsibilities, to my creativity, to my learning and growth
process. I have so many other things in my life that can give me happiness. And when he is in the
mood, I will enjoy communicating with him.
Possible positive beliefs
These beliefs will allow us to have harmonious relationships with those who play the role of the
aloof.
a. Life gives me exactly what I need at every moment so that I can learn my next lesson in my
growth process.
b. I am not responsible for the other’s silence. c. He loves me and cares for me even if he cannot
express it.
d. His aloofness is a result of his own fears and anxieties.
e. Giving him his freedom and space is the best way to allow him to open up.
f. He is not my only source of happiness in life. g. My self-worth is not dependent on his ability to
open up to me or not.
h. I can be fulfilled within myself even without someone to communicate with.
i. I can fulfill my needs by communicating with God daily.
j. I have many good friends and family members with whom I can communicate.
k. Being loving, allowing his freedom and accepting him as he is are the best ways to
encourage his opening up.
A possible I-message to an Aloof
We can then communicate with them perhaps like this.
“Dear, I have something important which I would like to express to you and if you want to answer
me that would be fine.”
“There are times when you are silent, inexpressive or even seem sad or angry. At those times, I do not
know what you are feeling or thinking, and I sometimes think that perhaps I have done
something which has offended or hurt you, or perhaps you do not love me any more.”
“I also start thinking that you do not have enough trust in me, or do not feel close enough to me to
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share what you are feeling with me. Then I begin to doubt my self-worth as a spouse or perhaps
parent or other role.”
“When I see you like this and make those interpretations, then I sometimes approach you
trying to find out what is happening. Sometimes you respond and sometimes you do not. When you
do not, I feel hurt and believe that you do not care about me and our relationship.”
“I now realize that it doesn’t help to pressure you to communicate with me. I am going to try to
leave that to you. I just want you to know that I love you and I want and need to know more about
what you are feeling and thinking, but that I am going to leave that up to you.”
“And if, in fact, I have done or do something which has offended or hurt you, I very much want
to hear it.”
“I will try to leave you all the space you need to feel from within if you want to communicate with
me more deeply. Do you have anything you would like to tell me
now?”
When dealing with Aloofs, we will need to deal with the following in order to maintain our love but yet not be controlled by them.
1. Rejection ignored because they do not pay any attention to us or share with us their feelings and thoughts.
2. Loneliness alienated because we cannot share with them. 3. Fear guilt that we have done something wrong.
4. Unloved because they do not show us love. 5. Hurt Injustice because I am giving but not getting what I need.
6. Frustration and anger because this person is not giving me what I need in this relationship.
