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Remove Pain – Physical and Emotional
A possible ideal way of interacting with an Interrogator
The use of the pronoun she is arbitrary I would like to remember that my self-worth is not
dependent on what she thinks. I want to also remember that she most likely acts like this,
criticizing and trying to put me down, because she herself doubts her own self-worth. She needs
affirmation and is seeking it by searching for my mistakes or getting me to pay attention to her and
answer her questions.
I would like then to explain to her, that I respect her and her opinions but that I prefer not to get
into this game in which she keeps doubting or criticizing while I try to prove that I am right. I
may not be always right, I do make mistakes as I am not perfect, and I will think about what she
has said and get back to her on the matter if it is important. But I will not continue this game with
her.
We can have totally different beliefs about some matters and still love each other unconditionally.
Thus, I chose to love her without needing her approval or agreement on some matters and hope
that she can do the same.
I will also explain that if she needs my attention or wants to communicate about something then she
can simply express that need without getting into this criticism trip.
Possible positive beliefs a. My self-worth is independent of what others
think. b. My self-worth is also independent of the results
of my efforts. c. The interrogator is often seeking self-esteem
through my attention. d. We can love each other even when we do not
agree. e. I am lovable even when I do not prove that I am
right.
f. I am perfectly safe even when the others do not agree with me.
g. I learn through my mistakes. h. I am not perfect and I make mistakes. I can
admit this without losing my self-worth and others’ love.
i. Being right does not attract love. Love attracts love.
j. Life gives me exactly what I need at every moment so that I can learn my next lesson in my
growth process.
A possible I-message to an Interrogator
“Dear, I would like to discuss a problem I have with you regarding our communication. I
continuously feel that I am in the position of answering your questions and doubts about what I
am doing. I feel that you are frequently correcting and doubting me. This puts me on the defensive
and sometimes I get into the role of the victim and at other times I become an intimidator, or do the
same to you and become your interrogator.”
“This way of communicating saddens me. I believe that we can communicate much more honestly
and harmoniously. For this reason, I am going to try to accept myself even when you doubt and
criticize me. I am going to stop answering your questions and apologizing to your accusations. I
am going to try to be happy even when you are not satisfied with me and when you criticize or accuse
me.”
“Please do not misunderstand this. I love you and want you to be happy and I want us to be happy
together, but we cannot be happy this way, with your playing the lawyer and my playing the guilty
one. I cannot lose my self-respect any more in this game.”
“I want you to know that I love you even when I do not try to get you to agree with what I do.
How do you feel about this?”
When dealing with Interrogators, we will need to work with the following in order to maintain our love and yet not be hurt or controlled by them.
1. Self-doubt guilt, shame when the other doubts or criticizes us. 2. Fear of being wrong making a mistake.
3. Rejection demeaned of my intelligence or self-worth. 4. Pain Injustice because the other is not being fair. Not giving us the approval and support we need.
5. Frustration anger because the other is preventing us from feeling good about ourselves. 6. Antagonism for self-worth because we want to prove that we are right and the other is wrong.
Robert Elias Najemy
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Remove Pain – Physical and Emotional
Chapter Twenty-two
EFT Dealing with Intimidators
We suggest that you read the previous three chapters before this one.
1. Intimidators control us by making us fear them. They keep us from asking for anything or
