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What else can we do?
Given this situation, we can do the following to create a more loving and growth-conducive
relationship:
1. Take full responsibility for our reality. 2. Free the other from any responsibility for our
reality.
3. Perceive the other as our teacher and learn through both his or her positive and negative
attributes. Learn to emulate the positive, and to understand, accept and deal with the negative.
4. See what lessons we need to learn through the other’s behaviors that annoy us.
5 . Learn to communicate more effectively with the other through I-messages and active
listening
6. Understand the other’s: a. Needs such as: affection, love, approval,
freedom, respect, unity b. Beliefs such as: I am in danger, I am not
worthy, my freedom is in danger
c. Reactions 7. Do not speak to others about our loved
one, but only directly to him or her except, of course, to a counselor.
8. Participate in groups for the purpose of self- knowledge and creating interpersonal harmony.
9. See a professional counselor together. 10. Participate in each other’s activities.
11. Express love and admiration such as: a. Gratitude for help and service
b. Acknowledgment of what the other
does
c. Recognition of the other’s abilities,
qualities and virtues
d. Love and appreciation 12. Meet regularly for communication on all
levels. This is best done on a weekly basis.
13. Visualize the other in light and send love on a daily basis.
Some possible Emotions Concerning Communication which we might need to work with.
1. I fear telling the truth because I do not want to hurt himher. 2. I fear telling the truth because I do not want to get into a conflict.
3. I feel ashamed to tell the truth. 4. I fear getting hurt if I express the truth.
5. I fear that I will lose my self-worth. 6. My pride does not allow me to express the truth.
7. My competitive nature does not allow me to express the truth. Much the same as five and six
8. I feel uncomfortable expressing positive feelings because:
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Chapter Twenty-four
EFT and Obstacles to Harmonious Love Relationships
Although each gender tends to express itself quite differently, most philosophical teachings agree
that the soul is neither male nor female. As souls, we incarnate into a gender in order to learn
through that experience. Through our experimentation with the various qualities of each
sex, we are seeking to experience our true whole self.
Until we do eventually experience our inner fullness, we naturally seek to find completion
externally through a love partner.
This effort toward attunement with the opposite sex brings stability, joy, security and affirmation,
but it is not without problems and challenges. One main challenge is being able to understand,
respond to and find solutions for differences when they occur. We have already dealt with this subject
in the chapter on EFT and communication.
In addition to differing needs, men and women have different ways of and motives for
communicating. Both, of course, use communication as a means to express needs, to
prove they are right, and to establish their self- worth.
Studies have shown, however, that women use communication to create an emotional
connection, thus the communication itself is the purpose. Men seem to perceive
communication as a means toward some result, such as solving a problem.
Therefore, we often have the situation in which a woman will start a conversation about a subject,
not because she wants a solution, but because she experiences a connection through the
communication itself. The man however, feels that communication has only one purpose - - to arrive
at a conclusion or solution, after which there is no need to communicate.
Thus, in general, women feel men are “aloof” and men that women are “interrogators”.
This is especially true whenever a woman wants to talk about emotions. Men generally do not feel
comfortable talking about emotions. If they are talking about the woman’s emotions, they are
likely to feel they are to blame and are being criticized since the woman is not happy. If a
woman expresses an emotion, she usually wants recognition of the fact that she feels that way. A
man does not realize this and seeks, in the least possible amount of words, to convince her there is
no reason for her to feel this way. He seeks a solution. She then loses her vehicle of connecting.
If the woman wants to talk about the man’s emotions, the situation is even worse. First of all,
in most cases, he does not know what his emotions are. He has been trained for a whole
lifetime not to feel, to hide and shut off his emotions. Secondly, even if he has some
awareness of what he feels, he feels totally demeaned if he has to admit that he feels self-
doubt or fear. Men, in general, do not like to admit their fears or weaknesses.
These, of course, are generalizations, and there are exceptions.
Women need to understand that when men are aloof or do not communicate their feelings and
thoughts, it is often simply because they function differently and not because they do not love their
love partner. They experience unity, not so much through words, but rather through actions, such
as working to make money and providing for the family.
Men, on the other hand, need to understand a woman’s need to generate feelings of unity and
love through verbal communication. Men need to acknowledge women’s feelings rather than find
reasons why they shouldn’t have them.
Women’s Complaints About Men
Throughout thirty years of working with couples and groups, I have observed the following
complaints women have about men. These
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observations have been made in a Mediterranean society and may, of course, differ from yours.
1. They are not understanding enough. 2. They are not sensitive to feelings and needs.
